Trapped I used to think that the reason that my mind would race was because I had such an important life that was busy and full and that everything I did on a daily basis had meaning. I was deluded to thinking that I could solve every problem that came to me. No matter how much was thrown at me, I would be able to figure out how to fix it. I came to the realization that this racing and inability to clearly formulate a thought is not from being intelligent or being so busy with solving everyone's problems. My mind races because it is trapped. What I mistook as intelligence is actually panic. Even now I struggle to write this as I can only devote half of my conscious self to the task. The other half is analyzing everything anyone has ever said to me...every situation in hopes to find a way to escape.....yet I don't even know what has ensnared me so completely that I didn't even know I was trapped. I think that I am finally realizing what insanity is during this process. Insanity is the blowing off of steam before you explode from the pressure of being helpless to free yourself. These moments of insanity are such a great relief...moments of freedom where you can be yourself. Yet, looking back at these moments, they are frightening. Society puts such limits on who and what we can be that it is possible to let your body take over and move you through the day to day. It amazes me that being surrounded by millions of people, there is very little life in the world. It is frightening that so many are walking zombies and do not desire to truly live. Yet, everyone wants to be accepted and maybe that is the price that they are willing to pay. Maybe that is why I feel trapped.....trying to decide to accept a life that is pretty on the surface with no depth or meaning or to live with the knowledge of being surrounded by the walking dead. Yet, how do you break free from the bonds of society? To rebel against that which you have been forced to think is right seems like it would shatter your sanity. Yet it is the desire to stay sane and "normal" that robs us of life. Just the thought of trying to break free feels like someone is tearing my mind in half. If only it was that easy to do...throw away the half that you no longer wish to keep. But it is not that easy, and we are left to try to choose that which we want more. Acceptance or individuality. Some may say that a balance between the two is needed. But why? I see it as asking a musician to give up there hearing. As long as you maintain a balance, you will always be restricted.....trapped between the two.