A Glimpse Behind My Mask by FallenAngelLPN
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Description
So, you think you know me? I beg to differ. You have seen me carefree and laughing in the halls. Did you notice that the smile didn't reach my eyes? Did you know, that if I let you look behind my mask, you'd see me crying? Did you know, if you were to see my true smile, it would dazzle you? Very few see that. You say that I've got it all together. Did you know, that if I let you see the behind the mask, you'd see I'm really falling apart? You say you love my hazel eyes, have you noticed I never let you look directly into them? They are the windows to the soul, I don't want you to see into mine. You call yourself my friend, but have you noticed that you can give no more information about me than what is on my job application? Have you even noticed that I have no friends, just aquaintances? Have you noticed that when you catch me being silent, and ask what I'm thinking, I really give no real answer...just that I've dazing out, or just thinking about nothing.If you were to know the truth, there is some very deep thinking going on and you have interrupted me. You think I'm stuck-up, but if you saw behind the mask, you'd see I'm just scared of being hurt again. You'd see that when I've let people know me, let myself become vulnerable, those are the same people that have hurt me. Have you noticed, when you start to get too close, I push you away? If you really knew me, if I let you see behind my mask you'd see a very different person than what I allow. Did you know, I can tell you first hand what it's like to be verbally, emotionaly, physically and sexually abused? Did you ever know how the rumors hurt? Did you even notice that I quit trying to defend myself, to let the truth be known? It didn't matter anymore. You just verified a conclusion I came to as a child. What I think or feel does not matter. Neither does the truth. Did you even notice me withdrawing into myself? Did you know that under that carefree attitude was a person that was on a path of self-destruction? Did you know the pain I was feeling? Did you see the hoplessness I felt? No, you didn't. I hid it all, and hid it well. Along my path in life, I've found that people prey on your vulnerabilities, prey on your weakness, prey on your goals, even your joys.Use these against you. Those that you trust most, that you'd trust with your life, are sometimes the same ones that commit the ultimate betrayal to you, and use these against you. I don't have many friends, don't allow myself to. Sometimes, the hurt is too deep. Writing is my friend, has been for many years. Writing has helped me cope with pain, vent my anger, live my dreams...all without reprucussion. Or judgement. I hide in the shadows, because it is my security. To be in the open, makes me feel vulnerable. I choose to not let you see behind the mask, because it is my protection. To see behind my mask, is to see me as easily hurt and frail. I don't want any more pain....
**OK, 'experimental' I did it. Probably not quite what ya thought, but truth be told, I was having a panic attack as I was writing this. Panic attack to the side tho...I think I WILL post more...
For the rest of you...My writing has always been for myself...my outlet, my eyes only about my life and emotions. To read my writing is to read about my life, so yes, it is personal to me....Yesterday I was "Caught" saving one of experimental's writings to Favs...he IM'd me, I IM'd back and I was told yesterday that I MUST put at least one piece out there. So here it is, my first public post. Do with it as you will, take from it what you will, or just move to next subject. Just know, you've seen but a glimpse behind my mask.--Ginny
Comments (11)
Honor-ra
First thing, Great writing it punched the button and there wasn't any clanks in it. It rolled smoooth. Second Ye gods, it punched buttons and brought tears to my eyes not of pity but of sympathy.
experimental
There are two ways to get into a pool, and you have just splashed right in. What makes writing worthwile (IMHO) is the emotion behind it, and this does not lack at any turn. Kindred souls indeed.
cagewench
"My writing has always been for myself...my outlet, my eyes only about my life and emotions. To read my writing is to read about my life, so yes, it is personal to me." -- I completely understand and relate to this!!!
SJConnick
Cagewench said what I wanted to say. lol. I was terrifed to post on here too. It gets easier with time. This is a brillianly raw piece. Write what you know, and ALWAYS write for you. I hope to see more of your work.
lostandconfuzed
I can relate to everything you said here, its quite sad and I want to cry for the both of us and everyone else that has lived a life like this. The one thing that has always helped me through rough times or even just a day, is the fact that we are never given more than we can handle. Ya just gotta deal with it the best ya can and move on...easier said than done, I know. Great work, I hope to see more from you.
shaybear
this is boh moving, and sad hun. you just described my entire existence to a T. I too have been there, and I too came to the very same conclusions. but you can take heart that those who truly take the time to know us, and who truly care, are the ones who really matter. the rest of them, forget them. they are unimportant. i am very proud of you for having the courage to post this. well done my friend. shay
AnnaKirsten
There is One Who can reach your torn up heart if you will let Him... Today we remember His cruel demise as He left this world in human form. Never give up on Him.. He did not give up on us! As you write, begin to write to Him and see what happens... Think... He created the very ones who enjoyed every moment of making Him suffer. If it could happen to Him, it can happen to anyone, but He knows... And He understands...
leanndra
Ginny, I think the only difference between you and I is external! I too have experienced exactly the same things you write so powerfully about! I have set at the edge of life, dangling my feet in it, never jumping in, never embracing life. As a child, I didn't have a choice either, as an adult, I do. I choose to not take the chance. It isn't worth it to me. So I salute your bravery and am truly happy for you! Leanndra
rasputina
Well written, it really grabs you hard, and speaks to you like a narrative, if I knew your voice I'd probably of heard it like speech. Great soul bearing piece.
heartnsoul
Ha! And I thought that I was the only one who thought the door knob to the hospital was magical. As soon as I touched it, a different me appeared. Yes, I can relate on so very many levels. Well done! This took a lot of courage. I remember not to long ago at work one of the attendants came up to me and said. "you know many people take you for being a snob. That's not true, you just have to get to know people. You don't trust easily." I went home thinking, wow, is it that obvious or is it just that one person was more intuitive and observant than most. Bravo!! I look forward to reading much more of you. ~Michelle~
renecyberdoc
very deep and emotional words and glimpse behind the curtain. me male having had the luck of not beeing sexually abused but beaten the shit out of me until i knocked the shit out of my dad with one slap all his teeth where gone it was to me like an orgasm,but for years i felt guilty.but then he never touched my mother again. long long story. sometimes i wove scenes out of my early life into my renders. and you are a couragous lady. i never been to the Us of A and i was raised in free democratic luxembourg in europe here,i was taught to call a spade a spade and i cannot understand the hypocrisy of the us citizens are they all like that??no cant be. i dont want to offend knowing the USA only from tv.. i plan to go to las vegas next year with my beloved utebigsmile and renew our vows for our 25th wedding day. she is the force behind me.