Still running... by FallenAngelLPN
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Description
We were introduced by those that I once thought of as friends and also by those who were supposed to love me. Now, I spend each day trying to keep him at bay, to have no more of a hold on me than he already has. So, subtle at first, I didn't even know he was there, all the while, watching, waiting, taking a part of me piece by piece. I didn't notice. Each time I fell, each time, I was ridiculed, each time I was hurt in whatever way it might be that day, his grip tightened on me. Years went by, my pain continued. I learned how to minimize my pain, to shut myself off, to retreat into myself. Then I noticed him...and started to run. Denying he already had a hold of me, yet knowing he did. Intent on not letting him take more of me. Running down these roads of life, so many wrong turns, all in an attempt to lose him. Why can't I lose him? Why are these roads so full of pot holes? Why can't it be a straight, smooth road? Running from him, what am I running to? What am I looking for? I don't know...Why do I choose the roads I choose? Maybe in the confusion I will lose him? I keep running, keep making mistakes...all the while, I can feel him...can't shake him. I've hit a dead end in the road, made a really bad choice...he's caught me....I start shaking, I can't breathe. I have no fight left in me...why bother? Just give up. Would it really matter? I'm tired of running, tired of fighting him..just so tired of it all, tired of the hopless feeling. I can end it, right here, right now...but, if I do, he wins...so does everyone in my life that introduced us and kept him in my life. Do I want that? NO! I've spotted another path...I get up, brush myself off...take a deep, shakey breath...and start running down yet another road...this time, with my eyes open. No easy paths, but less destructive ones...I'm here...I'm running...I WIN!
This was written about 2 years ago..."HE" is depression. I'm still running, I'm still winning...
Comments (6)
NothingNess
Wow, you should be very proud of yourself, your writing shows that you're a strong person. Yes, keep on running. Anyone that doesn't give up on themselves or take the easy road is a winner in my book.
Wolfspirit
This is excellent writing and description of the levels we go threw often when so often many of us to "him" are introduced. I know that feeling, and yes, I ran too, and I would say I was still running, if it were not for the fact that I as you got tired of running, and as you ran more I ran more too after I caught a second, third, forth, fifth and so on bought of energy but then as I was running one day not long ago I began to get mad at "Him" and decided I would run no more. I would face "Him" and tell himno more I choose him no moreI will not run no more. I have a choice as others. My choice is that I wish to embrace my life not run from it, therefore when I wake to my days now, I consciously awareknow two parts of me are waiting for my choice and I choose happiness. I embrace her and she me. I will not even speak of "his" name because "he" is not worth my energy or my time and no longer my life either. Stand strong you can do it I know this feeling, and I stand with you. You are who you are, perfect the way you are, a winner indeed, you are learning as I as all of us through out our liveswe all bust our ass on ice "Smile" it happens HUGS!
leanndra
Ginny, This is another powerfully written and soul-shattering composition! I am so happy for your victory! Stay on that right path, and I hope one of these days to find it and we will sprint across the finish line together! Leanndra
MeredithWilson
Wow, this is great, too! We've all got our personal demons, but I have learned that they WILL go away if you only can learn to ignore them. People say I have a good memory - but what I've really got is a good "FORGETER." I've worked hard at honing it. I've fought and struggled and I can take a bad memory and fold it up like a piece of paper - and keep folding and folding until it gets smaller and smaller - and so it doesn't control my thoughts anymore. I visualize the process of folding it up - and away. I live at a hectic pace - I thrive on it - boredom is my worst enemy - because when I'm busy - all I can see is now - and the future. Then all those folded up scraps of memories don't have any room in my life! Love, Meredith
avalonfaayre
I sit and listen and recognize "him". He lives here, too.
micsteel
When you find yourself, HE will have no power over you. The first--no, the SECOND--step is to listen to what YOU want, instead of what everyone else expects of you. I spent decades not realizing that I had my own right to my own dreams, that I could decide what I was going to do today, and what I would wear... (The first step? You've taken it: Recognizing HIM! You GO, girl!)