Hallo all, This is a prequel to an earlier post of mine here (The city was not always this dark...) New Dawn Los Angeles, March 2021 Imagine a world where nuclear weapons only appear in the nightmares of people who suffered through the bad times of the past. In this world, the tale of the splitting of the atom is used to warn children from making the same mistakes as the ones that came before them. For Ashraf Togei, the device that will make that day a reality is finally ready. He and his team of scientists have taken ten years to develop the device, New Dawn, as a way to render nuclear power as ineffective as a sand wall is against the onslaught of the ocean waves. Never again will countries be held hostage with weapons that should never have been developed in the first place. New Dawn is going to free mankind from his radioactive oppressor. The pulsating power plant in the distance will breathe its last. The time has come. He checks with his field officer for a final time. Everything is in place. Ashraf punches in the launch sequence on the control console that will change the world forever. It started fifteen years ago when Ashraf exchanged the familiar surroundings of his beloved Islamabad for California to research his doctorate thesis on alternative energy sources. The fact that he would not be joining his fathers business left his parents bitterly disappointed in him. Their refusal to see him off from the airport didnt really come as a surprise to him but it hurt him nonetheless. At least his brother, Zukeen understood why he was doing this. Ashraf regularly phoned Zukeen as a way to stay in touch with his family. At least he still cared for them even if his parents didnt want anything to do with him. It was while he was busy talking to Zukeen on a warm, sunny Californian day, when the telephone line suddenly went dead. Ashraf tried phoning him again but the operator could not reconnect them. The area where his brother stayed was not known for its reliable telephone connections so he would simply try again later. Walking to the corner grocery store, Ahraf was struck by how quite the street was. Upon entering the shop, he saw everyone there staring blankly at the television screen. The conflict between India and Pakistan had escalated into war. Nuclear missiles had been launched at major centres in both countries. Reports were still vague but it was almost a certainty that Islamabad and several other major centres had been destroyed by the first wave of bombs. The destruction was total. What little remained of the two countries, were destroyed by the nuclear winter that was to follow. Ashraf had lost everyone and everything he held dear in a matter of minutes. Now, standing atop this hill overlooking the power plant, he has a chance to make things right. If the test should be successful, the worlds arsenal of nuclear weapons would be useless by next week. Within seconds, the energy pulse from New Dawn reached the power station. At first nothing happened. Ashraf could not help but feel a twinge of doubt. What if they spent all these years developing New Dawn for nothing? Suddenly, like the death throes of a mouse finally succumbing to the deadly playful antics of a cat, the power station emitted a high-pitched screech. And then, silence filled the cool night air. The acrid smell of burnt copper hit them like a rolling tsunami. They almost suffocated from the stench that passed over them in a matter of seconds. This was not supposed to happen! he yelled at the scientist closest to him. They tried reviving the console but it remained lifeless. All around them, everything was going dark. Street lamps glimmered brightly for the final time. The darkness spread as quickly as the wind that carried the copper smell. Within hours, the world had grown dark and silent like the catacombs that he built for his family. Staring in disbelieve at the crimson sun rising against the backdrop of the dark, steel blue sky, he could not believe what they, he, had done. This was not the new dawn he had envisaged. Ashraf collapsed in a dishevelled heap on the hill before the silent power station. [Narrative by Iwan Pienaar; Image by Dark_Whisper] [This is part of the story of "Arizona 2024" - a story partly inspired by Dark_Whisper's soon to be released Character Pack.]

A story of unintended consequences, eh? Interesting concept. I've always wondered what would happen if some scientist ever succeeded in creating a black hole in the laboratory, and started sucking in the world around him. I found a few typos you might want to fix. Saw the previous story. Nice to see how it all started. Here are a few things I found that you might want to consider changing. Change at major centres to at major centers Likewise, change several other major centres to several other major centers I'd change What little remained of the two countries, were destroyed by the nuclear winter that was to follow. to What little remained of the two countries, was destroyed by the nuclear winter that followed. I'd also change a twinge of doubt. What if they spent all these years... to a twinge of doubt. What if we spent all these years... and like the catacombs that he built for his family. to like the catacombs that he had built for his family. Change Ashraf collapsed in a dishevelled heap to Ashraf collapsed in a disheveled heap Are you doing these as tag lines for the graphics only, or do you intend to develop them into a series of short stories? jon

My biggest issue is the sentence rhythm. Some paragraphs are composed only of long, winding sentences, while most paragraphs contain only short, choppy sentences. There needs to be a bit more variation for it to flow. Another typo (I do it a lot so it sticks out when I see other people do it): Walking to the corner grocery store, Ahraf was struck by how quite the street was. Walking to the corner grocery store, Ahraf was struck by how quiet the street was. Good story idea, and it looks like you'll have an interesting, coherent set of vingettes or short stories. I think a little re-writing for sentence flow would really tighten this up. Cheers!

Thank you of all the comments. I really appreciate it. Apologies for the spelling of "centres" but I live in South Africa where we have adopted the U.K. spelling of words. I will have to "Americanise" my text for the Renderosity market. As for the other suggestions Jon, I have reworked the text so the points you raise should be vastly improved in the final version. Since this is my first attempt at writing fiction, I am a bit hesitant on expanding the vignettes into a full-blown short story but am willing to try. Crescent, you are correct (as always). I will need to do quite (wink) a bit of work on the sentence structures. There is a distinct lack of rhythm in this piece as opposed to my previous posting. As far as the typo is concerned, I can't believe I let that slip through. It is one of my pet hates (that's probably why it got through). All the best and keep them comments coming, Iwan

Don't worry about Americanizing the spelling. When I saw "centres" I figured it was that darned English version. ;-) I grew up reading Agatha Christie and other English mystery novels, so I often got into trouble in school with spelling: flavour, theatre, centre, etc.

How is a writer supposed to approach this conundrum then? I suppose one has to adopt they style one is accustomed to and persevere.

I think anyone well-read in the English language will have no problem with centre, colour, etc. I would say the guidelines are consistency, and whatever an editor demands if you go that far.