I really need help with this short poem. Where to place punctuation, where to break the lines... Thanks in advance. Sunparched sky, looking as thirsty as the baked earth beneath my dusty feet. This path i tread has seen so many travelers seeking refuge from the drought external and internal. Something is needed to fill the empty spaces within. A soul in harmony with its mother cries out for rain.

Sunparched sky, looking as thirsty as the baked earth beneath my dusty feet; This path i tread has seen so many travelers seeking refuge from the drought, external and internal. Something is needed to fill the empty spaces within; A soul in harmony with its mother cries out for rain. Hope that gives you an idea. I think the first two periods are too much of a stop though I am not sure if a semi-colon is the right thing either.

Well ... when in doubt I always go for a severe trim: shave off any superfluous words and then re-assemble the most effective phrases in such a way that the line breaks and puctuation indicate how I would like the piece to be read. I can't resist the temptation to 'have a go' using your words - so here goes! Sunparched sky, thirsty as baked earth beneath my dusty feet: This path I tread has seen so many travelers seeking refuge from the external and internal drought. Something needed to fill the empty spaces within. The soul in harmony with its mother cries out for rain. In the end, it comes down to personal preference - and 'my' version may not even approach your intended message

One could get really stark and trim away the redundancies; i.e., what is a space if not empty? Parched sky, Thirsty earth, Refuge sought From the drought, External and internal, Spaces eternal. A soul and its mother cry out for rain. But then it wouldn't be your poem anymore. You need to read the poem out loud and lay it out according to the natural pauses of your voice. That's a good starting place, I've read from poets. I'm not one, obviously. I have no ear. But others do. Apologies for the slaughter of your words.

Sunparched sky, thirsty as baked earth; beneath dusty feet. This path has seen so many, travelers seeking refuge from the drought; external and internal. Something is needed, to fill the empty spaces within. A soul, in harmony with its mother; cries out for rain. - - - - - - - - - - - Just thought I'd give it a try. I prefer splitting your lines into thoughts that could go either way. The ambiguity of the blocks forces you into reading more stuff between the lines. Sorry for butchering your poetry. I'm going retreat back to my modeling. Cheers! - M-nster

Actually, M, I like it. I do think it is confusing when a short (or long) poem moves between omnipresent, first person, and third person points of view within a few lines. I think poetry, like prose, benefits from deciding on a point of view and sticking with it so it's easier to follow.

Look at it like a television script... when you change a thought within your scene, and have more to add use a comma. When you're done with an idea, and the camera would flip to contrast that idea, but still in the same scene, use a semi-colon. Then if you're going to a different scene on the same day...use a period A new stanza comes when you tell everyone to pack it up and go home. You'll pick it up where you left off tommorrow. Silly idea, but sometimes when I'm writing a poem thinking like that helps.

I think, for myself and I speak for no one else, is that the problem of shifting views comes from not really having a clear fix on what I'm trying to say and just who the heck is speaking. It all sounds much better in my head than on paper anyway so I thrash about trying to bring the sound in my head out on the page and there it, often, dies. But I need to get out of this thread. A nonpoet has no place on it. Proof before send. Proof before send. Proof before send.

Thanks all of you for your assistance and advice. Sometimes the things that pop into your head dont look the same on paper.. as dialyn said.. and you are just not sure what would happen IF. dialyn why would you say you have no place in that thread? it was good advice!

I try to avoid giving advice on poetry because I don't write poetry (not really). The advice is sound when applied to prose, which I am more familiar with. Prying loose the sounds that have been rattling in your head so that you can make others hear them the way you do has got to be one of the harder skills to master and still seem natural on the page. I have been known to pace back and forth, while I read aloud a paragraph or piece of dialogue over and over, trying to find the bump in the rhythm. Unfortunately, I often miss because of my inability ability to hear delicate changes in sound. That's why I said I don't belong in this thread. We have real poets here. I shouldn't be treading on their ground. But I am glad you understood what I was trying to say...that part of the creative process is very familiar to me.

Heck, this is a fun challenge! Here's my take on it: Sunparched sky, Thirsty as the baked earth beneath my dusty feet. This path I tread, Echoing so many travelers, Seeking refuge from all manners of drought. A soul cries out for rain To fill the empty spaces within.

LOL...it seems as if Charmz has unintentionally uncovered a new way for us to exercise our writing techniques and demonstrate different approaches. :) I'm very impressed. Good job, all. Proof before post. Proof before post. Proof before post.

And to rebut the "I don't belong here, I shouldn't say anything" crowd: Sometimes it helps more to hear from a "non-writer" or "non-poet" than a literary geek. I've seen situations where people fussed all over a story, examining all the possible symbolism they could put in, etc., only to have a "regular, non-English major" point out that the story was utterly boring and didn't make any sense. It doesn't matter how many quaint literary references and masterful allusions you put in if the story is duller than a bowling ball. All the clever rhymes and meters in the world don't matter if the poem makes no sense. Sometimes it takes a "non-poet" to see the forest AND the trees. Cheers!

I think it's just intimidating when you know there are people who know poetry backward and forwards, and have all the lingo down pat. I don't know an Alexadrine from a terza rima, and I admire people who do, which causes me to feel stupid for daring to comment on things I'm ill informed about (not that it necessarily stops me...I'm just self-conscious about). Even when I push myself to participate, I'm very aware of my shortcomings. Your words are well taken, Crescent, but it's hard to overcome long standing feelings of inadequacies in this area. On the other hand, I do appreciate learning new things so I don't want anyone to think I don't appreciate the poets sharing their information. And this mini-challenge (however unintended) was fun to see unfold.

I wish I could say "hell ya, thanks, Crescent!", but I think that I will just hide here behind dialyn and quietly say, "thanks". :oP Beating a hasty retreat back to pushing points and playing with polygons. - M

hmm.. and who says it was unintentional? I love it when people get involved and several viewpoints are given. It is great to see reaction to your words as I believe all of us artsy type units are glory hounds! So far, actually Moebius' take is my favorite. But, each person has added a different dimension to a simple bit of musing. For that I thank you! (stirrin the pot)

Ah, well, apologies for underestimating you, Charmz. It was a good idea. And I too like Moebius's version, whoc I think can safely come away from the polygons any time the impulse to write appears. :)

Here is some help for people that are wondering what is a sonnet and form? Lets see, hummm, a sonnet? I haven't written a sonnet since, hummm, I can't remember. Anyway, there are two kinds of sonnets. Italian and English, also known as Petrarchan and Shakespearean. The Petrarchans first eight lines are called an octave with a rhyming scheme of abbaabba. and the next six lines are called a sestet with a rhyming scheme of cdcdcd. The English sonnet has three quatrains of abab, cdcd, efef, followed by a couplet gg. And then there is Edmund Spencer, And me, And Thee. say to yourelf, I will write a Sonneet.

LIAR I've seen the way you look at me, From the corner of my eye. And if you think I've seen you, You look away and just smile. I've watched you watch me walk, When you think I can not see. I have heard you thinking thoughts, Of what you would do with me. Every time you come over, You come to be with just me. Many hours we spent together, And you never want to leave. Tell me you never wanted me, or cared! Tell me you never loved me, I'll dare!