Attached Link: http://home.comcast.net/~soald/teaser.html

HI!

I'm Allen and I'm starting in on the 5th (or is it 6th?) draft of my screen play. I'm far too poor to get the correct software at this point, but I think that's what I'm going to have to do pretty soon if I want to start shopping it around.
I'm playing with the idea of trying to do a web comic/graphic novel based upon what I've written so far. I'd really like comments from people on that. Also, I have posted a little itty bitty bit, the opening scenes so far, I really hope they dont get thrown to the cutting room floor. I've posted the link. I'd really appreicate comments. Oh, and if you know someone that's willing and able to pump out quality work on a shoe string (reade that as NO) budget... send em my way!!!

Attached Link: S c r i p t e r s W o r l d ; Free Online Conservatory For Screenwriters

You don't need to buy software to do a screenplay, but the site above may have some freeware/shareware that would be of use to you. An alternative is to go to your nearest library and you will find books on formatting your manuscript properly, or connect with a writer's group that has the same interest you ahve. "The Writer's Digest Guide to Manuscript Formats" is one book that might be useful to you (there's a used copy available for $1.50 on Amazon.com right now). If you're interesting in turning your storyboard into a graphic novel, you might want to go over to [Sic Ink](http://p081.ezboard.com/bsicink) where there is a lot of interest in that topic. good luck! Keep us posted on your progress. :)

thank you! I'll be taking a look at that tonight or tomorrow. Ok, I could now but I think I'm goofing off enuff at work tonight. ;) again, many thanks. :) (crosses fingers and says a little prayer, "series on calbe, series on cable...."

Hi Allen,
in case you are writing only for your own amusement or if you intend to screen the script yourself, you can do whatever you want and write how it suits your own needs. However, if you actually intend to sell your script to a producer you have to stick to some rules and be more careful with style and formating.
I have learnt a lot from these people:
http://www.scriptsecrets.net/
Maybe Bill Martell isnt writing Academy award stuff but he is a brilliant teacher and his site offers a lot of information for aspiring screenwriters.

Terry Rossio and Ted Elliot (Shrek, Pirates of the Caribbean) have a great website, too.
http://www.wordplayer.com/welcome.html
Check it out.

Allow me to point out some problems I have with your teaser. Please note, that I am talking about your screenplay. Should you adapt your story into a comic or a novel, forget my ranting.

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Here we go. Let me start with (in my opinion) your worst blunder:

QUOTE
Cut to: Large space ship, oblong shaped, entering earth orbit ala ID4

Allen, if you feel it is necessary to borrow from other artists (we all do now and then), dont hit us on the head with it! No way! You cant submit a screenplay to a production company and say, I was too lazy to describe this scene, but its like movie XY anyway. As I said, for your own amusement you can do it as you like, but Im sure, ninety nine out of a hundred script editors would reject your script at this point, and we are still on page 1. (By the way, I'm wearing a friendly smile while typing this. Even if I sound rude, I mean well :)

Let me talk about formatting only very briefly. Visit the above mentioned sites to learn more. To conform the widely accepted industry standard, you should start every scene with a header stating the location and the time. When the location changes or time is skipped, start a new scene. This gives your script an organized look and makes it easier to read.

Get rid of all your cut-tos, slow zooms, pans. etc. Do not direct and cut the movie! Dont tell the cinematographer where to put the camera and how to move it. Dont tell the the editor how to cut. And dont tell the director how to stage the movie.
You are the writer. Unless you plan to shoot the movie yourself, just tell the story.

(You can put all kinds of stage directions and technical stuff into a shooting script or a storyboard. Of course, if you dont plan to submit your script and want to use it merely as a basis for a web comic or novel, you can ignore all these rules.)

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You shall not direct. A lot of your directing is superflous anyway, like in this examples:

QUOTE
Action: Car skreechs to a stop

Of course its action. No need to point it out. (Spelling! No typos, please.)

QUOTE
Close up: Girl's eyes; pupils getting larger and larger

Her pupils are getting larger. I assume that every reader on earth will imagine this as a close up. Instead of indicating close ups, it is better to describe details. The readers mind will focus like a zoom lense.

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As a general rule, use stage directions only when absolutely necessary. Look at this:

QUOTE
Girl
(now pissed off)
Look man... just gimme the fuckin' derms, ok?

In this case, the dialog conveys her feelings. The is redundant.

Or this example:

QUOTE
Slurmnig
(feeling brave now after surving)
HA! What you gonna do, eh? Me's say nothin!

We cant see feelings on the screen. What we can see is how the characters act out their feelings. Show us a triumphant smile or a gesture, show us sweat and tears. Generally, dont tell us, show us!

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You have an unfortunate habit that makes your screenplay hard to read. Example:

QUOTE
Male Slurmnig
(This creature looks like a slug, but with a very obviously human like upper torso;
head is bald, perhaps with braided side burns hanging? Speaking to himself)
Mmmmm... here a comin a nudder one. Dis choota be lookin tassssty.

Please dont mix description and dialog like this.
Its irritating. Just write the character name and what he/she says and grant your description or action a separate paragraph.

QUOTE
Male Slurmnig
Hey der lil choota... what kin me be doin you for?
heh heh
[chuckles at his pun]

Why dont you just start a new paragraph after the dialog: He chuckles at his pun. There is no need to tie this to the dialog. Please keep dialog and action strictly apart.

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Allen, your writing style is sloppy, to put it mildly. You say, come on, its just screenplay? Please think about your readers: Script editors, directors, actors, designers among others. These people have to read hundreds if not thousands of scripts in their lifetimes. Dont bore them with camera angles and annoy them with sloppy story telling. You have to entertain them! Tell your story as vividly as you can! Or else: rejection.

Consider this example:

QUOTE
Has her arms hugging herself, hair is messed as it is raining.

Firstly, write whole sentences like you would in a short story or novel. This staccato style of yours is wearing me (the reader) out.
Secondly: Her hair is messed up as it is raining? Allen, please, show us the rain! Make us shiver. Describe the reflections in the puddles, the sounds, the cold, let the reader feel, how ugly the setting is. Dont be lazy. Show us!
(Sure, your script will get longer. But remember the redundancies :)

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QUOTE
like a fat bloated body, no hair, mostly human looking; no legs, etc;

Why etc? Tell us everything or stop after "no legs". Either you were too lazy to think up a more detailed description or too lazy to write it down. You love writing, dont you? Then please do it! We want to be told.

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QUOTE
show's a hand full of cash (multi colored bills)

Style! Why the parenthesis? She produces a hand full of multi colored bills. (... not to mention the misplaced apostroph.)

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QUOTE
Slurmnig
his sneer turning to something unpleasant

Something unpleasant? Isnt every sneer unpleasant to begin with? Dont be so sloppy.

---

QUOTE
face turns angry... and tears off a a length of the
paper and in disgust throws em at the slot in the window

This sentence is a mess. His face tears off a a (!) lenght of the paper? The dots indicate that something is missing. Nobody would accept a sentence like this in a short story. Why do you think you can get away with it in a screenplay? (Uh-oh, Im a nice guy most of the time--unless you make me read messy sentences :)

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QUOTE
NOTE: any panel/scene showing Girl- her eyes are still wide open, staring off into space

You are lazy again! Show us the girl: limb body, staring eyes, protruding tongue, what ever. Weave descriptions of her sorry state into the narration. YOU have to tell the story, dont order the reader to fill in the blanks! Serve me a delicous meal, dont just throw a recipe at me.
Never forget, a script editor yearns for an entertaining page-turner or he/she will wield the mighty rejection hammer.

---

QUOTE
Cut to: looking at the Slurmnig; he's outraged, pissed, scared all at the same time.

Dont tell, show! What is he doing? Is he fidgeting, pulling faces? Is he trembling, red-faced or pale? Dont tell, show! Otherwise, your story is bland and lifeless.

---

QUOTE
(side of neck? back of neck? between breasts?)

QUOTE
This creature looks like a slug, but with a very obviously human like upper torso;
head is bald, perhaps with braided side burns hanging? ...

Who do you ask? YOU are the storyteller! Dont give me multiple-choice.

QUOTE
... (shotgun of some type) ...

QUOTE
... a video game or kiosk of some kind ...

What type? What kind? You are the storyteller! If you havent conceived these details, why do you draw the readers attention to it by using blurry phrases like "of some kind"? Just say "shotgun". The reader does not care what kind of gun it is and a movie director will ask his art department to come up with a cool design.

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QUOTE
seeing the girl walk in closer;

Do you mean: We are seeing the girl walk in? Please avoid to involve the reader in this fashion. The narrator and the reader should remain invisible. Any mention of either of them can break the readers concentration and take him/her out of the story. Just write: She walks in.

Am I nitpicking? Look what Terry Rossio, Ted Elliot and Bill Martell have to say about it.

Just one more thing: You mention a Sigtig, a Male Slurmnig, and a Slurmnig. Do these terms refer to the same character? Its confusing (me).

Allen, I think you underestimate the potential literary quality of a screenplay. Screenplays are not just lists of scenes and camera angles. That would be a shooting script. A screenplay can be and should be great storytelling! Show us believable characters and involve us in there adventures! Im sure you can. Just do it. Again, in case you have no professional intentions, my advice is pointless.

Sorry, I have droned on and on about formatting and style and havent said a word about your story. It hard to judge, as you have posted so little of it. Well, just three thoughts:

1. Your teaser consists of two parts: a part with a lot of exposition, revealing a bit of backstory, and the sequence about the girl and some villains. I fail to see the connection. Im sure this will be cleared up while the story progresses. However, the question is, do both stories belong in the teaser? I also detected a distinct difference in tone. At least one of these two teasers would end up on my editing room floor (not that I have one).

2. To be able to get involded, the reader needs a hero, a character to identify with. Who is your hero? Shouldnt the teaser introduce us to the main character and hint at the obstacles he/she has to overcome? Until now, we only have a bunch of unlikeable scoundrels and a junky-girl. Whos the lead?

3. Maybe its just me, but I dont get the significance of the ZikZak sequence. I have no clue where all this leads to or what the movie could possibly be about. Give us a glimpse of the basic conflict. Maybe this isnt exactly teaser material.

Dont be mad at me. Even though my ramblings may sound harsh, I hope that I have backed it up with solid arguments.

Your screenplay is not yet a movie. Right now, it is a written story. Please treat it accordingly. I love to read. Write for me, sing to me!

Id like to know if you, Allen and other members, find this kind of criticism constructive and helpful or maybe annoying. Please feel free to comment on my comment.

regards
Matthias

Message edited on: 09/10/2004 05:59

Sorry, I had to repost, because the brackets I copied from the script had muddled up the HTML. Now everything should be legible.

Message edited on: 09/10/2004 05:53

Matthias Most of the notes that you pointed are to me, so that I could keep my thoughts as I went on. What's posted is the Alpha v0.0.0.0.1 version heh. Many thanks for the comments. I really do appreciate it. The links are appreciated too. I didnt want to post all of the last revision of that scene, much less the rest of the story. I know it's brutal, hard to follow and not in the exact format. I'm picking up Movie Magic Screenwriter probably this weekend. If I'm going to do this, I've got to do it right. Again, thank you for your feed back. I greatly appreciate it. Allen

In your initial post you spoke of a 5th or 6th draft. Allow me to question the wisdom of posting a rough and sketchy excerpt that neither represents your style of writing nor the present development of your story.