For the past hundred years Britain has slowly been placing operatives within normal homes of the United States. This is ofcourse, the real reason I moved to America. It is now, at long last, time for these "sleeper" agents to awake and fullfill their purpose... "NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE" by John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the /Oxford English Dictionary/. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are! welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in /Frasier/). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as /"Taggart" /will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as /"Men Behaving Badly"/ or /"Red Dwarf"/ will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, /"God Save The Queen"/, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day." 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation.

Can we still keep our Christmas lights? Cough hehe Peace

oooohhhhhhhh.....Drawbridge is gonna be so sorry he posted that!

Message edited on: 01/28/2005 13:11

I thought the reason you moved to America was Tequilla ?!?

Answer to #15: "...I shouted out, 'Who killed the Kennedys!'; when after all, it was you and me..." (Sympathy for the Devil - the Rolling Stones)

I thought everyone knew that. :^)

Did Cleese really write that? It would seem so, it sounds like him.

Are you ready to turn the other cheek and listen to jokes about bad teeth, lousy cuisine, and in-bred royals? :^)

Never let it be said that we Americans don't have a sense of humour. :^D

And the only game more boring than association football is cricket. What is cricket, anyway, did someone try to cross baseball with croquet? But I wanna tell ya, ladies and germs...

Message edited on: 01/28/2005 13:53

Dear Mr Drawbridge, Having received and having been in the process of processing your application to become a citizen of the United States of America we are pleased to informalize you that since your posting of the post on the Renderosity/Bryce Forum Web site we are revoking your application. Details of how you may relocatize to your country/state of origin may be found at your local airport. G W Bush Prez-eye-dent United States of Amer-eye-kay

weird limeys....

Oh yeah,........explain "Bangers" to me again !

Damn Roomaniacs!

Tequila -Not really. but Grey Goose vodka was hard to come by in my English village. Teeth jokes - We Brits have good teeth which (in most cases) are ours and not "da vinci veneers". I've been watching The Swan too much. Lousy cuisine - Not true! England has some of the best Chinese, Indian, Italian and French restaurants in the world. In-bred royals - Well, they're German anyway, so who knows what they get up to? Bryster just reminded me that I wanted to mention... My green card interview is on thursday!! WOOHOO! Try getting rid of me after that! Drac - You're an honourary limey mate!

Bangers = sausages

Sackrat - Bangers - Pigs intestine stuffed with bread, water, herbs, sawdust, spices, gristle and no more than 3% pork.

no more than 3% pork. or beef

I had to spend about 10 minutes the other day explaining to my step son what "Gissus a butchers" means.

John Cleese is just brilliant, has anyone seen the training films he made a few years back for British industry? After having seen those I am still trying to imagine John Cleese trying to teach americans to spell things properly. Could be hilarious. And Drawbridgep..try him on "Wotcha me ol' china" next!

BBWWWWWWWWWWAHAHAAAAAAAAA !! Thanks for the larf - I needed that! PS - Now I know why I prefer Quorn sausages ;-)

And to think John Cleese walks around not more than a mile or two from where I am sitting, :P really. He gives speeches and stuff at Cornell, my own daughter went and saw him give a talk last month. And no, I've never seen him that I'm aware of, also Whoopie Goldberg has a home not far either and no, again I have never seen her that I'm aware of either :( (Now if either of them would come into the public library at night! I might just get to see them, lol)

When I was in Chicago before christmas, I actually had someone stop me with the line 'wow do you really speak like that? - I thought that was just hollywood actors - can you say jaguar for me? please....'

Love it! Though I wouldn't trade Florida for the whole UK. Even though Frances ate my house.

chohole. You from the South of England? I had a friend from Lincoln and he had no idea what Wotcha meant. Must be just a southern pansy phrase. There's loads of Cockney I have to explain. We watched Lock Stock the other day. I spent more time translating than watching. The only time I got caught out was "Keep ya Alan's on." Since Bryster and I cross posted about 3% pork, then you KNOW it's true. Gog - I have people comment the whole time. Like I'm the only Brit in Indiana. Except for the chap in our local offie, who's parents were from Brighton!! (Offie is another thing I had to explain)

Ehehehehhh baaah gummm! When I wher't lad, I rememburr when sosiges wor sosiges. Non ov yer genetickulie modiefried wotsit finghies yuve got nawadays. Ehehehehhh baaah gummm! Eh stick't cettul on will ya - and dont f'get to warm't pot.

You really are from up north aren't you Len? Hull if I remember correctly? So you are a Northern B*stard and probably DO talk like that. ;-)

Ehhh m'lad. Now den, al be avin non of yer suthern nancy rubbish d'ya hear :-)

Bluddy migratorororararay sonso. Ehh, now comon't lad admit it, tha's missin't old Ingland in't thee ;-)

Aye, dun't know wot yer missun lad. Log fires, wuddun beam't ceelings, smell of't cuntryside, Red-Dawrf on't box!

Ehehehehhh baaah gummm!

Ok Phil, so Len is a northern barsteward and I am a southern pansy...so what part did you come from before you translocated? And BTW in the south Pansies are normally male and umm sort of gender challenged.

The only time I got caught out was "Keep ya Alan's on." That hasta be 'knickers', doesn't it? My favourite is the one Del Boy uses all the time - 'syrup' for wig. I always crack up at that.

I'm a southerner, but not a pansy, that's just what the northerners seem to think. And what's worse, from Tunbridge Wells. The pansy town of the pansy south. Pog - Yeah, Alan Whicker (I googled it) I like "septics" for Americans (Septic Tank, Yank) and people who don't like Amerians are Anti-Septics.

lol - Phil, I don't really sound like that, in fact I speak quite normal (well I think I do) :-D

I must interject here and mention that cricket is the true gentleman's sport. And we kick everyone else's a**s all the time!! Mahray Proud to be an Aussie

Is it true that Lucas Electric is the reason Brits drink warm beer? (Quickly ducks a thrown banger.)

Mahray - Yeah, the cricket is embarassing since it's our sport. But who are the Rugby world champs at the moment? Pumeco - I seriously doubt anyone north of Watford speaks normally. AND I don't know who Lucas Electric are, but at least we know what beer is. Although my step son drinks Newcastle Brown. (good lad) I went to a restaurant over here a few weeks back and our waitress came over and I just said hello and she asked if I would like an imported beer. Clever girl got a big tip.

Department of Motor Vehicles: Dear my Bridgep, not only has your application for citizenship been revoked (see previous post) but the "not forth coming" driver's license that you applied for is now our private joke here at the DMV. Please resubmit all paperwork by appearing in person to stand in our fast and efficient customer satisfaction lines and we will see if we can "find" your name in our system. Have a nice day. Regards, Ms. Ima Jerk Secretary of DMV

Cricket is very easy to understand. There are 2 sides. One is in and the other is out. The side that is out tries to get the side that is in, out. Then when the side that is out has got the side that is in, out, the side that was out goes in. Simple, really.

Message edited on: 01/28/2005 20:45

not to worry the U.S. and Britain will both be in the one world goverment. Just check the net it have a lot to say about the one world goverment.

Was gonna throw in some witty references to Hitchhiker's Guide with pitches and wickets and all, but that last drink knocked it out of my head and I can't find a convenient copy laying about. But I do have my towel and robe. Lucas Electric made dubious components to refrigerators and the Jaguar wiring systems, I think in the '50's, thus "warm beer". Newcastle Brown is very nice. I was once director of the "California Festival of Beers". Any beer (lager, ale, or "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," or anything that did not conform to the Reinheitsgebot)was proscribed. Only legitimate lagers and ales were allowed. Marvelous times!

Wot ever ya do, don't grass him up to da rozzers! 'cos they'll come rand and spin his drum.

Message edited on: 01/28/2005 21:37

Newcastle Brown = Lunatic's Broth as drunk on many occasion by Keith Emerson

Emerson, Lake and Palmer? No wonder he was a "Lucky Man".

Yup! On ELP equipment list for touring was a crate of Newcastle Brown which Keith used to drink on stage.

Is it true that Lucas Electric is the reason Brits drink warm beer?

I'm not a beer drinker, so can't say if it's true or not......but I've often read that the reason some beers are chilled is to do with the ingredients and brewing process. Traditional beer should taste good, but if it's brewed in certain ways (and without hops, I think) then it tastes shite, and has to be chilled so that the taste isn't noticeable. Chilling kills the taste, so makes it acceptable. It's like the difference between Cambazola straight from the fridge, or at room temperature. Or good Belgian chocolate. You'd hafta be insane to eat either of those chilled!

Pogmahone
Mine of Useless Information

Message edited on: 01/29/2005 01:49

LOLFunny stuff indeedyou cant revocate something that wasnt given but taken by force from you! Remember the Boston tea party, give me liberty or give me death, one if by land, two if by sea? Since our independence, the Brits dont have a lock on the English language. I give youEbonics! Its Ill put a cap in your ass not Ill put a cap in your arse. Corrections: Microsoft is an American enterpriseif you need to look up anything in its dictionary, then you must need lessons from us. British and Aussies are similar in that they both make constant use of the word mate regardless to which gender theyre saying toin the US, mate is a special otheras in soul mate. So when traveling to these countries, use mate and everyone will like you for iterregardless of gender. ROTFLMAOlook who feeds off political correctness! God save the Queen was in our servitude-enforced anthem, since our independence weve changed it. Nowits good to be the king. American football is just thatAmerican football, we dont play follow the leader very well, so the rest of the world could follow each other. Just like blue-jeans is American, American apple pie, American jazz, American Rock n Roll, American Internet, American Microsoft and American Coca Cola, how about McDonalds?. We will certainly continue to carry firearms because our Constitution guarantees that we can, thanks to the Brits. LOLfrom my cold dead hands By the way, how has your gun control program been goingnot too good from what we hear. LOLthe very fact that Britain must follow America in world affairs, proves that to the contrary, you are not fit to govern yourselves. Love John Cleese but leave America to the Americans. We know best how to deal with her. Go back to your sleeper cells and do what you do bestsleep! Thanks for the laughs.

God save the Queen was in our servitude-enforced anthem, since our independence weve changed it. One of the many little ploys used by the Northern Ireland Unionists to keep Irish Nationalists out of government was the requirement to take an oath of allegiance to the Queen before being allowed to take part. The one thing they knew no self-respecting Irishman or woman would do ;^) In spite of our turbulent relations in the past, I really like English people and English values. Just don't like their government :^)

Touche.....I am British and I don't like our government. And quest it's only because we still have Bush's poodle as our PM that we appear to follow, once we get him confined to Battersea dog's home and get a new and forward looking PM then we will regain our rightful place in world politics.

Chohole, sorry, didnt mean to ruffle feathers but your poddle as the liberal left chose to call him, is about the only sane person in Brittain. To many Americans, he is like Winston Churchill whom I idealize and was hated by the Brits after WWII, very ungrateful, talk about being fickle! The rest have been taken over by democratic socialists who dont know the meaning of the word real but live in an idealized world since they havent suffered any of the consequences. They have no answers, only complaints to the human question. In my ear, they are but a gust of wind Im sorry to say. They have nothing to offer, not in the least. To me, that is pathetic.

We kept the tune to "God Save the Queen" and gave it new lyrics and a new title, "My Country 'Tis of Thee". And let's try to keep the politics out of the Forum. It just stirs up bad feelings on both sides. I'd rather celebrate our differences and show affection toward the things we have in common. I would put this into all caps for emphasis, but Drac doesn't like that. :^) Please don't turn this fun little thread into something AS or Zhann have to lock. Isn't there some other board where you could air your political grievances? Or just meet in the Chat Room and yell at each other until your fingers are sore. Thanks, John

Is it me or is it that you want to see that this wasn't a politcal statement to begin with? Yes it is funny, we have said so. Yes, we are having fun with it, as far as they would allow us. We are not saying anything differnet than the initial post said.

The original post was tongue-in-cheek humor. Your post was angry and not meant to be funny. Very different.

Yup, and precisely for Tjohns reasons I am going to give up commenting on this thread. I should not have said what I did. I apologise.

No, you fail to see that although the original post was humorous it was also political. You also fail to see that what may be funny to some, may not be funny to all. So when they respond in kind, all of a sudden, its no longer funny. But believe, my post was also meant to be funny in the same light.

coins

I was referring not to your original post #40 but #43 alone. #40 was funny. #43 wasn't. I'm well aware that some people can't take good-natured teasing and are unable to laugh at themselves. They're commonly known as killjoys. Now I'm joining Chohole and moving on to more pleasant threads.

I have 3 words for you Americans LITTLE-JIMMY-OSMOND ;-)