after looking back on this, there's a good share of swearing. oh well. I dunno what the fuck is going on. I seems to be having some major "issues" as a friend calls it with a million different things bombarding me at once. As of now, it would seem that my girlfriend of a year and a half/best friend of almost 4 years are now on a "break," what ever the fuck that means. My father's leaving tomorrow, yet I seem to be the only one truly happy about it. Everyone else is like "well hopefully you'll make up some day," or "Geez man, I'm so sorry for ya, you ok?" OF COURSE I'M FUCKING OKAY!!! Or at least I thought I was, but now I wonder if I shouldn't be okay, or if I'm not okay, or some other shit that I don't know. I've always felt like I've never been a great person to my Alison. The past 3 months or so, I've had a lot of self pitiuos fits, or that seems to be the only way I can see them. It seems every day I'll find some way to upset her, and of course I remember every other single time I've upset her, so it all comes back at once every single fucking time, I end up breaking down, she ends up saying really harsh things, I get worse, and then something clicks and she realizes that I ain't gonna get better unless she "fixes" me or something. I feel like she's just a tool to me, but I fucking know she isn't. She thinks she's the rason why I'm always so upset (it happens very frequently I'd say), but I try to tell her that I'm fucking pissed at myself for not being the person I should be to her, and it all becomes one big mess. She my best friend, and now I don't know what the hell's gonna happen.I know relationships aren't all peaches and cream and whatnot, but everything is just much odder than it's ever been (and nothing can seemingly top the oddness of my last relationship, but this is in a different way i guess). Anyways, I'm not crying for help, or for what I should do, or for what you all should think I should do. Please don't say don't do this, do that, or downplay or uplay anything. The cool part is, and possibly the only reason I wrote this fucking thing, is that some of you have read up to this sentence, which means you read the whole thing. ry

it's gotten a little more confusing now, so i dunno what to expect. I feel a bit better though. ciao ry

Often when good changes come our way, we can't see it happening until much later. These changes could possibly be in the works right now. You do what you can, and keep on growing. If you WEREN'T on edge right now, now THAT would be a problem! When in similar frustration, I always escape into my photography and computer. You'll find you will do your best work! A silver lining, perhaps? Hang in there Slynky!

Yes we can! Have you suggested a pillow fight yet? Great for getting out the frustrations. Plut they are harder than nerf bats! ( Iknow you didn't want this. But I figure you want something or you would have erased your message. ) Bsteph