These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.  It says here.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals...

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you...

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow...

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5pm - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

OMFG...lmao. Gotta love typos and bad grammar ;)

Amish saying: "Smear me all over with jelly a piece of butter bread".

Laurie

:lol::lol:

I like this one:
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands."

Bet many husbands were brought for that one :P

Quote - :lol::lol:

I like this one:
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands."

Bet many husbands were brought for that one :P

They can have mine

Oh, and another gem:

"Throw mama over the fence a tomato"*

Quote - The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Angels with water wings needed. :)

Quote - For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Never thought about a nursery.  Wonder why . . .

Quote - Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

This must be why. :p

Quote - The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

I would think these go together.

Quote - Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

As do these.

Quote - The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "Hello.  After reading your brief profile, . . . Signed Jeanzz".

:lol: Laurie :P

Great stuff, had me in tears.

Quote - :lol: Laurie :P

Well, they can have mine. I'm auctioning him off on Sunday ;).

Laurie

Too funny!  Great post :)

LOL. That's NSFW... I got some funny looks whilst ROFLMAO :lol:

There needs to be an "Excessive Hilarity" content advisory tickbox added...

:laugh:

(by the way, I finally realised how to add proper smilies here... doh!)

Quote - Thanks

Glad to be of help.  Cool sign, btw.  :) 

Oh my, this is hilarious!! :D

Quote - Who says churches don't know how to have fun?

Hehe..one of my fondest childhood memories was church camp out in the middle of the woods, drinking wine...lol. All of us, the adults and even the 16 and17 year olds....lol. Sounds bad, but we were all out in the wilds in a controlled environment and not driving around endangering everyone ;). Lots of fun. And a very, very long time ago..lol.

A good time was had by all.

Laurie

Quote - Who says churches don't know how to have fun?

:lol: I wanna know where that church is :P

Quote - > Quote - Who says churches don't know how to have fun?

:lol: I wanna know where that church is :P

You'll just have to get in ur car and drive..lol.

I doubt they do that anymore, since ppl are so litigation-happy nowdays :P Back then, no one gave a crap as long as ya weren't hurting anyone..hehe.

Laurie

ROFLMAO

I didn't understand what kind of Church bulletins they were until I read them.

Many thanks a good laugh is very welcome, especially these days.

:thumbupboth:

That is so funny.