Great story. I read this when it was posted and since then the story has popped back into mind a couple of times. It reminds me of some of the latin american surrealists which are some of my favorites. It is a great little story which should be published somewhere, but before you mail it off there are three things I would correct. 1. People in the middle of having their throat slashed are usually incapable of performing curses. Even if they can get air through, they are usually focused on their own struggle for survival. Have her do the curse and then let father kill her. 2. "I'm sure she would have survived the trip if she hadn't use even the last drop on me... I wish I could have died instead of her..." "use even" should be replaced by "used". 3. "I just should lay on the ground and become a part of the desert..." "just should" should be replaced by "should just". Good luck with it, Alan

I'd have to say that I prefer the longer one. The beginning, at least, seemed clearer. Getting a story to fit into length constraints is a skill of great editors probably more so than writers. Both versions were good. The story flowed, Nothing seemed implausible, no mounds of steaming bathos and no distracting mispellings or forgotton words. If there were grammar problems in there, I didn't catch them (not that good grammar is my specialty). Just for my own curiosity where does the word/phrase "sh xin" come from? Is this actual chinese or a word of your own device?

"Of course I tend to think you have to have respect for the market and for your own work before you submit anywhere. I've never had such a big ego that I thought I could afford to insult someone by sending them what I didn't consider the best I could do at the time."

I wsn't making fun of Story House. I was making fun of myself which I reserve all right to do. I actually like that my little poem. I'm sure not everyone will, but it's my sense of humor. If I thought it were defective in any way (except morraly), I would tinker with it until I had the way I like it.

Just so we're all clear, I think story house is neat. :)

Message edited on: 05/22/2004 10:31

I saw your post and I was inspired to write something. I grabbed a pen and quickly wrote it down. Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear Drinking like he doesn't care Shooting pistols in the air Dancing in his underwear Policeman says to keep it down Teddy knocks him to the ground His girlfriend cannot make his bail So he spends the night in jail. Let's see if they print that piece of crap.

I think it would work better as three scenes of an animation with cuts in between them. On paper you should show the second cut as well. The second and third parts need a cut in between. It's also not clear how Ilestra and her children fit into this story. That should probably be added to the second or third part.

I don't get the connection between the hidden paggage and the lit fires of the would be heroes gathered to defend the area against the approaching army. Where does the hidden passage go? I'm guessing that the people have gathered because they have been warned Bal-Mandrin. I think you have three pieces here. If they are animations then you can have the same voice. More than one voice is an unnecessary complication.