I hereby declare, from this day forth to eat roast lamb at every opportunity. I shall carry a jar of mint sauce in my handbag and wear sheepskin even on the hottest day with pride. I shall hang out at farm auctions and laugh.
I shall insist on new wool, no more acryllics for me.
Lanolin.....I want lots of it.
You may be wondering what it is that has started this tirade? Perhaps you wonder what a poor sheep could have done to deserve my eternal anger?
It's simple, but worst of all it's the truth. A flock of sheep used stealth and unfair ovine tactics to break into my car and steal my lunch.
I know, you don't believe me but it's true.
Okay, so they didn't actually break into the car if you are going to get picky. I suppose I did leave the door open when I stepped away from the car for a moment, but I was halfway up a hill in the middle of the Welsh countryside. Apart from a group of disaffected youths smoking drugs in a clapped out car there was no-one around for miles.
How was I supposed to know that sheep liked ham and tomato sandwiches? .
Oh yes, I know, you think these wooly terrorists are stupid but you are wrong. I suspect the military have known about them for years. Think about it, why else send the squaddies on military exercises in Wales?
You want to know about their tactics? Hmmm perhaps you could let me shower first. I am sure I can still smell some of them. What else but dirty tricks could you expect from dirty creatures?
.....
to be continued later, but it's quiet in here so I thought I'd post a couple of things. This is first draft typed straight into the forum. What do you think?
Shanna runs away wondering what name to use in the forums from now on.......

Very Kafka like............I think.......

My first impulse is to start in on sheep puns, but I won't torture you. ;-) This definitely grabbed my attention. It's a bit short to comment on, but it seems like it will be a fun read when you have it done. I hope you're going to continue with it. Out of curiosity, are you from the U.K.? I'm just wondering because a few phrases seem very British. Cheers!

I think traditional gyros have lamb meat. You might start there they're actually pretty good. And don't change your name to mine, no one will take you seriously. Your user name is too cool to waste anyway. I liked 'clapped out car'. It may or may not be a common UK adjective but I liked it. Only thing that bothered me was why get so worked up over a sandwich? Maybe you could elaborate why the sandwich was so important. Had you been looking forward to eating it all day? Was it your last one? If I knew the importance of it I would be more willing to crusade against sheep with you. LOL.

I am British, and have to confess I have a new yellow post it note attached to the monitor of my pc. "NEVER POST PISSED IN A FORUM" ps....it's actually true, the flock did mob me yesterday. Being outwitted by sheep was a new all time low in my desire to be Lara Croft when I grow up. Always assuming I can find a way to reverse the ageing process long enough to do it again. Oh and the "don't hurt me" bit.....I take it back. I'm thick skinned.

Yes it's funny. Yes I'm British too so I'll be loyal. Yes it's a great start. Yes I have that same post-it note (or I did until it fell off through being ignored). But DAMN IT I'm still grinding my teeth - my web site is sheep65.com ;-)

I went to your sheep65 site and get the impression you were educated to university standard. I want to learn to write in a way that doesn't make people grind their teeth so please explain in words a girl who never stayed on for A levels can understand. The reasons behind your comment went straight over my head. How can I make it better? What did I do wrong? Perhaps you would consider rewriting this (or anyone else who feels like it) piece? So I could see where you think I've gone wrong. Hurt me. As long as you help me.

I was being honest Shoshanna - your piece is funny and a good start. It's very short at the moment so I can't say that it's more than a start. I like it. It wasn't your writing that made me grind my teeth, it was declaring war on sheep. Hence the ;-) wink. Sorry if I was cryptic :-)

Well, I liked it. I think the descriptive language is funny, following the basis for the story. It goes without saying that I wouldn't dare try to make it better by a rewrite. (side note: isn't it funny when people say "it goes without saying" and then they say it?)

Filthy, smelly, ruminating bleaters ... taking up valuable grazing space that could be used for the raising of beef cattle ....