I will probably not be coming back here again after the last edits/gallery clean-ups, so I'm bidding you all goodbye. I'll miss you.
BIO I was materialized in 1987 when two aimless Dungeons & Dragons players screwed up the last verse of a spell that was supposed to make them both rock stars. They adopted me as their own and moved to Strafford, NH. Secure in my anonymity, I await the apocalypse, in which I am to join the unholy army of disgruntled angels and demons for their final assault on the realm of man. Until then I plan to sit around and not do much of anything with my life.
EDIT: not making fat jokes anymore.
EDIT: ...or ageist jokes.
On other sites I go by numol, meatwad, aphid, yhigte, Lexa Todd, Andrea Todd, your hair is good to eat, and prungus.
*** A note on deletion, courtesy, and owning your own bullshit ***
The lead-in is about these subjects in general, but about halfway down (starting at "Now on to a related incident:") is where I apologize for my head-scarf girl images ("Eidolon" and "Eidolon Typography"). EDIT: Also want to apologize for the Riker-with-Aguilera's-Body pic that was my image here for a while, because I realized it could be insulting to trans people -- the "butch guy's face on hot chick's body" meme does seem to be making fun of you, which isn't something I'd thought of before. So I'm sorry for being an asshole about that, too.
EDIT: ...Aaaaaaand for the numerous examples of "OOOH *EXOTIC*" tropes showing up in my old Photoshops. It's disgusting and I'm sorry.
Recently, I've been going through my journal and my posts and cleaning up some language I don't use anymore. I still swear a lot, and sometimes (well, often) use gross metaphors, and don't think there's anything wrong with that, but there are some words I used to say that were pretty nasty re: being neurodivergent and/or having certain types of disabilities. I'd never even given it much thought, and it's only recently that I've been hanging out in parts of the Internet where people actually talk about stuff like that talk about stuff like that a lot, hurtful language and such, and it's right out in the open because the people talking [usually] don't have to worry about careless dicks [like me, thank God I didn't open my mouth in those places back then actually i did and i'm sorry for that and also for lying] and bullies [EDIT: also like me]. You know, safe spaces. I mean, calling someone an asshole is just calling them an asshole, but using words that tell people [even indirectly] they're worthless because they may be neurodivergent or because of their disabilities is not okay, period.However, there's also the subject of how deleting something you said = hiding the evidence. The only way I could think of to remove the hurtful words without burying them in the backyard was to take them out and then add an edit that declared that I had taken them out, as well as giving some hint as to what they were without actually repeating them (wherever possible). Any suggestions of better ways of doing this would be appreciated -- this was just a way I'd seen done before that seemed like a decent compromise.Now on to a related incident: a couple of years back, I made a couple of images with a woman wearing a head scarf made to look like an evil goddess ("Eidolon" and "Eidolon Typography"). The woman in the stock photo was White, so I didn't see a problem (my ridiculous "Muslim = brown person" association was such that I didn't even consider white Muslims)... even after the woman herself suggested that it might be a problem. I figured that because she was, I assumed (in my disgustingly bigoted way), not Muslim (I did not, and still don't, know her religion, if any), she didn't know what she was talking about, but later I realized that she was right. Also, in one of the images I made with her stock photo, the colors of the whole picture were darkened so it did look like she had a brown face. So yeah, pretty racist/xenophobic [wait a minute, there's plenty of Muslims in the US] AND anti-Muslim on a number of levels -- the fact that it was an accident doesn't excuse it.Even worse, my solution to this was to hide the evidence. I figured that no one should see the image(s) because depending on who they were, they might be hurt by the racism/xenophobia anti-Muslim crap, so I deleted them... without leaving an acknowledgment of my assheadedness in their place. Because although by that time I'd learned enough to know what I did was wrong, I hadn't learned that my attempt to fix it was also wrong, as well as dishonest and cowardly.Well, this is my acknowledgment. This is my apology. I am sorry. If you saw one or more of those images and were hurt by them, if they made you upset because they were just another one of the many, many messages sent again and again that tell you that you're evil or monstrous because of your race, ethnicity and/or religion... I am sorry for doing that to you, and also for covering it up afterward. I apologize for contributing to those memes because just perpetuating that bigoted crap in itself is hurtful, even if nobody who saw it was upset. Nothing can excuse what I did.I'm not asking to be forgiven. I know from experience how forgiveness can be very much like an excuse, a "pass". I also know your forgiveness is none of my business, and I'd have no right to ask for it. I just hope my apology lessens the hurt.And to anyone inclined to defend me or excuse what I did: DON'T. I do not want to be defended. What I did was wrong and should not be defended or excused.EDIT: "Xenophobia" wasn't the right word -- lots of Muslims in the US. Editedit: Also "____-phobia" used to describe bigotry is ableist appropriation.EDIT: I mean the whole "Muslim = foreign" meme is hideously common enough without me buying into it, hot damn I am fucking up today.EDIT: Clarification -- added parts between "parts of the Internet where people" and "I mean, calling someone an asshole". People do talk about social stuff and language in places I frequented back then, including here, but I just didn't see those conversations because I was lost in my own colon and wasn't looking for a way out at the time. Editedit: ugh changed this paragraph because I basically blamed the moderators and trolls for my own willful ignorance.ANOTHER FUCKING EDIT: Since my last edit I read the dictionary definition of another mental-ability-related word I used in this entry, and although a lot of people will tell you it's not a slur, it sure sounds like one when you read its definition (link), so I took it out. And yes, I realize the irony of my using it here. So I'm sorry for fucking up about that, too....And another Edit: Clarification -- I don't know what religion, if any, the lady whose stock photo I used subscribes to, and the way I put that before kinda made it sound like I did know, so I re-worded that. Also, I realized that I should be apologizing for saying/doing fucked-up things regardless of whether or not anyone was actually hurt by them, because saying/doing those things in the first place is shitty, so some of the apology shit got re-worded too.
Yep another EDIT: Changed the "on to a related incident" paragraph for clarification and to remove the "Muslim = brown person" association that ironically persisted in my fucking apology. And changed "head-wrap" to "head-scarf" (the term was recommended on another site). And took out the phrase "because nobody ever called me on it" -- it was disgusting entitled excuse-making on my part. Also changed "using words that tell people they're worthless [even indirectly] because they have a psychological condition or use a wheelchair" to "...because of their disabilities" -- the original was stereotyped and not inclusive at all and I'm also not sure whether "psychological condition" is an ok term. And also added to the "I apologize for contributing to those memes" sentence.
another edit: added stuff about neurodivergence because just saying "disability" isn't good enough either i think, because what people call themselves and their traits varies a lot from person to person, obviously. sorry again. and that's probably not good enough either, and there are a lot of other problems with this, i will try to fix it all later. i am sorry.
Edit (June 24, 2016): I removed the image "human piano" because I fucked up really badly there, making people's skin look lighter and extremely creepy sexualization that follows/promotes racist gendered stereotypes. Normally I'd leave the image up for accountability's sake, but given that the way I did the image is exploitative, it felt wrong to leave it viewable. I've been having mental issues and am not yet functional enough to do a proper apology that explains everything wrong with the image. I am very sorry for all of this.
Comments (7)
zorares
Very true. I've never seen such division and hatred in an election before. It just seems to get worse and worse.
auntietk
This is great. Wow. Clear, concise, and right to the point. Nicely written! When I was done reading the poem, I actually exclaimed aloud. (I'm not prone to talking to myself, either!) Awesome work.
brigadier
Right on the money in my book. Well done. Used to be after listening to a political discussion I'd say something about going to Wal-Mart to get a new pair of shoes because it got so deep. I think this time I'm going to need waders!
dbrv6
Reasoned debate has suffered indeed in this country. The answer is not avoiding talking about politics. The issues are deeper with why people suffer such skepticism and look upon the process with disdain. A great deal of it has to do with TV and one way communication that has been the model for politics for at least fifty years now. To many people have forgotten and do not know how to reasonably sit down and discuss very divisive issues. Be an example. Throw away all the midnight political spam - most of it are out right lies anyway that are simply crutches for those that do not want to look. Listen and then when you reply do so thoughtfully and with a reasoned approach - do the research and know the topics just not what the parties would feed you via the tv. Write and make sure your opinion is heard.
beachzz
Well said, to the point, and clear as a bell--nice work!!
anahata.c
a sustained thought with some very good lineation ("forget" all by itself is perfect). I would like to see other pieces from you on this theme, not necessarily continuations: It could be a set of pieces from different angles, all on the same general theme. I say it because of the potency of what you're portraying here; this piece leaves me wanting more...In any case, you capture the tension between agreeing and not agreeing, keeping politesse but battling inside, and the fake facades of keeping up friendly appearances when there's much strife inside (deep breath) very convincingly. Not easy to capture all that. As for your comments, I became an adult during the Johnson/Nixon years, and there was rioting in the streets, people throwing things at each other, and injuries and even death. I'm not pulling a, "oh when I was your age, it was so much worse" routine; just affirming that what you describe has been around, and it's bad each time. Your ending is ironic, and shows that the speaker is as wrapped up in the lies as the people he/she speaks of: meaning in layers in other words. A suggestive piece.
Buffalo1
I agree with you totally, Lexa. Most political campaigns are run at a visceral level with a "If you ain't with us, you ain't right," attitude that really has nothing to do with issues, problems and solutions. Too many one issue voters tend to dominate each party, too. I keep telling them that they have to look at the big picture, but to no avail. That being said, this election is tame compared to some of the others we have had. Andrew Jackson's wife being called a whore in 1824 and '28 was really ugly. Al Smith's Catholicism in 1928 was another bigoted classic. As an inadvertant participant in the 1968 Democratic Convention riots, I have to say this campaign sure is better than getting dusted by Senator Gene McCarthy's Secret Service agent. No assassinations this year either, but I think Senator Obama needs twice the protection because of the racist crazies. So cheer up. We've lasted for 220 years with this system, and managed to come close to falling apart just once.