The Siren's Song (poem) by naria
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Description
(I think it needs work, and any advice will be greatly appreciated :-) thanks!)
~Naria
The song of the siren
Calls the sailor through the mist
Hypnotized, his vision fails
Lost in the void of song
The fog thickens as he gets close
Drunk on her music his mind dies
And the vessel nears the jagged rocks
The enchantress atop them
Bidding the captain to his death
Crashing upon the rocks
The ship splinters and sinks
The captain; his body broken; awakens
From the drunken dream
Of the siren
Comments (3)
BARAHOTTA
your words creates powerfull pictures. so nice . you should write some lyrics for Chris De Burgh :))
tjames
I liked it. You carried the (aw) sound until l5 then lost the flow. I don't see how you can put a line break there because then your message would be lost. If the sound sense and message could get past that rip, then rhis would be a great poem. I liked it, but I think you're still whipping this one.
RaysOfLight
Very recently, I watched the disney version of Sinbad the sailor, and I have to say, this really reminds me of the part with the sirens. When it comes to poems, I dare not touch on the writings to do anything beyond pointing out spelling or grammar mistakes. I see no spelling or grammar mistakes in this, so I can't offer you any corrections as such. The only suggestion I will make, is to make "Lost in the void of song" into "Lost in the void of the song". other than that, you've achieved a very visual poem with very few words, and that is really impressive