it does not really follow the "rules" but then rules are meant to be broken!

from the valley floor
i watch as the first
green-gold rays
a hint of glory to come
burst victoriously from
behind blue mountains
capped with blinding white

in the distance
dim and barely heard
the crow of a rooster
lowing of cattle
snowbirds begin
their daily hunt
searching for seeds
berries to break nights fast
overhead eagle wheels
silent in brightening sky
the clouds now rosey
with morning
eyes focused on the river
hoping to spot the first
seabound salmon
coyote barks her last
song of night
gathers her brood
and sleeps
horse whickers and blows
stamps hooves
on crystilline snow
breath clouds of steam
which freeze, sparkle falling
quail thunder
from beneath sage
escaping, threatened
by my proximity
elk grazing nearby
in oatfields unconcerned
know, today,
i do not hunt
daybreak breeze
whispers through naked
branches of spring trees
sends them trembling
as with cold
scatters powder snow
from evergreens

reminds me
i walk alone
but not Alone...
i sing a song
of renewal, worship
and dream
of a cup
of cocoa

and home

Hi Charmz, welcome to the forum (I got in first!) I liked the sense your poem gave me at the end, of returning to warmth and home, after flying free across a freezing wilderness. (that's how I saw it anyway) Had a bit of trouble reading the poem though, all the lines seemed to be cut in half. I personally don't follow the rules because I don't know them, but some of our more experienced poets will be along soon & I'm sure they'll help you out. You mentioned chocolate.....as long as you're prepared to share, you'll do well here! Shanna :-) Bad at poetry, but much much worse at jokes.

chocolate is poetry of the Gods! Thanks for commenting Shanna, actually it is disjointed on purpose. I know most of the rules which is why I am determined to bend as many as possible! hugs and cocoa, Charmz

Breaking rules is fine so long as you understand why the rules are there and how breaking them will enhance the work. Some of the line breaks work well, but the continual breaking makes the poem disjointed and difficult to follow. I don't mind re-reading a section to get more of the flavor, or to find a subtlety that I missed the first time around, but I dislike re-reading just to make heads or tails out of the words. I'd break up the second section into 2 or 3 parts to give the reader time to digest each section so they could appreciate the words. The first section works so well because you have one idea, one image captured so my mind can see what you've described. I'm also in the "not a poet" department, so I always suggest that you take my words with a few pounds of salt. ;-) BTW: Welcome to the Forum!

I liked it a lot, but I cheated and read the comments before reading the poem, and thus took care to parse it as I read. It works quite nicely when the mental punctuation is added. Why, I wonder, would you want to make the reader work at that? Not meant as a criticism, just curious as to intent. The imagery is quite vivid, the closer a real gem. jon

So, basically what everyone is saying is that this would be better in a more connected style such as this? from the valley floor i watch as the first green-gold rays, a hint of glory to come, burst victoriously from behind blue mountains capped with blinding white. In the distance, dim and barely heard, the crow of a rooster; lowing of cattle. Snowbirds begin their daily hunt searching for seeds, berries to break nights fast. Overhead, eagle wheels silent in brightening sky; the clouds now rosy with morning, eyes focused on the river, hoping to spot the first sea-bound salmon. Coyote barks her last song of night, gathers her brood, and sleeps. Horse whickers and blows, stamps hooves on crystalline snow, breath clouds of steam which freeze, sparkle falling. Quail thunder from beneath sage, escaping, threatened by my proximity. Elk, grazing nearby in oat-fields unconcerned, know, today, i do not hunt. Daybreak breeze whispers through naked branches of spring trees, sends them trembling, as with cold... scatters powder snow from evergreens. Reminds me, i walk alone but not Alone... I sing a song of renewal, worship and dream of a cup of cocoa.... and home Actually the original posting won two prizes in local competition. This second is the way it was originally written.

Wow. I definitely like it better this way Shanna :-)

No. I liked it better the other way. The short lines really add to the rapid and vivid imagery. Punctuation is the only thing that was missing, as far as I was concerned. And capital letters at the beginning of sentences are usually helpful for readers. :-) I can see why it won multiple prizes. It is very good. I don't see that it would be any worse for a little punctuation, and perhaps would be better. If I may be so bold as to suggest something like this: From the valley floor I watch as the first green-gold rays, a hint of glory to come, burst victoriously from behind blue mountains capped with blinding white. In the distance, dim and barely heard, the crow of a rooster, lowing of cattle. Snowbirds begin their daily hunt, searching for seeds berries to break nights fast. Overhead eagle wheels silent in brightening sky, the clouds now rosy with morning, eyes focused on the river hoping to spot the first seabound salmon. Coyote barks her last song of night, gathers her brood and sleeps. Horse whickers and blows, stamps hooves on crystalline snow; breath clouds of steam which freeze, sparkle falling. Quail thunder from beneath sage escaping, threatened by my proximity. Elk grazing nearby in oat fields unconcerned know, today, i do not hunt. Daybreak breeze whispers through naked branches of spring trees, sends them trembling as with cold, scatters powder snow from evergreens. Reminds me i walk alone, but not Alone... I sing a song of renewal, worship and dream of a cup of cocoa, and home. Also, there are two spelling mistakes you might want to fix; rosy and crystalline. The imagery in this poem is so vivid I actually feel myself taking this walk, seeing and hearing these things as they occur. I can think of no higher praise. jon

Thank you for the punctuation jstro... And thank you for the poem Charmz, of course... I don't know if you ever think about it, but for a non English reader poetry is more difficult than prose, and it's also almost impossible to translate poetry... That's the reason I prefer to read English poems in English, but it becomes pretty hard if the poet asks some effort to the reader... I didn't read the comments first, I tried to read the poem more than once... and of course I felt like I understood it at the end... But I've appreciated you poem much more when I read jstro's post, as a matter of fact I really liked it... Now I'm going to ask a very silly question: I understand that the lenght of the verse can make some difference, but how can the adding of a point or a comma spoil the feeling of a poem? Just curious, you know, I'm not a poet and I think that if someone choses not to use punctuation he must have some reasons to do so...

No, I do feel that punctuation is appropriate. And I do like jstro's version. I suppose I should have stated in the beginning that the poem was unpunctuated due to constraints of the contest it was submitted to. In my original version.. written while lazing in the tub I may add, it was indeed punctuated and most likely wrongly. I will not claim to be expert at punctuation. Would anyone buy it if I did?

"due to constraints of the contest" Ah, well that explains a lot. And it's always a good idea to conform to contest rules. :-) I also am no expert at punctuation, just ask the poor souls that edit my manuscripts for me. jon