Old Is When: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Lol, not sure about No3, did not get it, due my english problems I have sometimes, or memmory or both, dunno :P

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer." A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'you have got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" No," he replied, "arthritis."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!

#1 gave me quite the visual LOL...

hehe :D

Kemal... dietary 'fiber' helps ones bowels move along(action). ;)

A 80-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she said, "That senile old fool, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again."

ROFLMAO!!! Oh Lordy I have tears in my eyes reading all these goodies! Hurry...someone pass me a kleenex quick!! LOL

An elderly couple were sitting in the living room when the man gets up and heads toward the kitchen. "Where are you going?", asks his wife. "I'm going to get myself some ice cream," he says. "Well, bring me some, too. And I'd like chocolate syrup on mine. Don't forget now, chocolate syrup." she warns. "OK, OK, I won't forget, chocolate syrup." He disappears into the kitchen for quite a while. The worman can hear him making a lot of noise. Finally he comes back out of the kitchen with a plate of scrambled eggs in each hand and hands one to his wife. "I knew it!" she says, "I knew you'd forget the bacon!"

LOL, did you make that one up right there?

Senior Moments... Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid." When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was." An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!" When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!" Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

what a bunch of laughs to wake up to.

...and to go to bed with. ;) Nighters all, see ya in the morning.

Oh gawd, ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

So Grandpa and grandma were sitting out on the porch one evening watching the sun go down. Straight out of the blue Grandma leans over and slaps her husband in the kisser just as hard as she can. Picking himself off the deck, the old man say, "What the hell was that for?" Grandma says, "That's for 40years of bad sex!" Well things quiet down for a while until all of a sudden, Grandpa leans over and slaps Grandma just as hard as he can. Grandma picks herself up and puts her teeth back in and cries, "Now what the hell was THAT for?" The old man looks balefully at her and yells, "That's for knowing the difference..!" You know you're getting old when you wake up in the morning and you HAVEN'T got a hard-on!

Attached Link: http://www.3dkidscape.com

Gotta Share:(My favorite old man joke)

An old man, named Toshiro, lived alone in the Japanese countryside of Osaka with a pet dog as his only companion. One cold and frosty winter's night, the dog finally died.

Toshiro went to the Dojo in the village and asked the teacher, "Sensei, my faithful dog, Shibu, is dead. Could you be kind enough to hold a funeral for the creature?" Sensei replied, "No, we cannot hold funeral services for an animal in the dojo, ...there's a Buddhist temple down the road a ways, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Toshiro said, "Domo arigato, I'll go there right now. Do you think 1,000,000 yen is enough to donate for the funeral service?"

The Sensei smiled and replied, "Toshiro, Why didn't you tell me the dog was a judo player?"

~Blind Dog

Message edited on: 11/05/2004 08:55

hahaha rofl, :D CZ

Alright, while I'm on a roll, one more... JUDO DISCIPLINE FOR KIDS: On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly Judo sensei, who has taught Judo for more than sixty years, slowly walks forward up the aisle. This Judo sensei has taught many world Judo champions and has been respected worldwide for his Judo techniques, books, and lectures. He quietly walks up and stops the flustered mother with a gentle upraised hand. The old sensei leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the wise old sensei slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess's takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Sensei," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his fucking ass to the moon." ~Blind Dog

An elderly man in a nursing home was turning 100, so the staff and his friends decided to throw him a party. Things were going well and everyone was having a good time, when suddenly a huge cake was wheeled into the room. Everybody sang 'Happy Birthday' and when they finished a gorgeous stripper pops out of the cake, does a seductive little dance, sits down on the old guy's lap and whispers in his ear, "I'm going to give you super sex all night long...". The old man thought about it for a moment and said, "I'll take the soup..."