Haven't been in here for ages. :o) I've recovered since last time and plucked up enough courage to post again. :o) I've started a short scienc-fiction story. One of several that take place in my fictional city "Dystopia". I'm not sure where to take it though. Suggestions always welcome.Were closing up shop, Harry. The man at the back of the booth didnt respond at first, but that was probably because he still wasnt used to that name. It took him a while to wave and grunt, his ribs still aching. It would be sunrise in a few hours. Not even the flickering blue cast of the diners lights could deny that. The bartender noticed the belabored shuffle. Aye, were all getting old, Harry. Some of us faster than others, he chuckled. The big man grunted and tossed the worn travel pack over a shoulder and sauntered towards the back door. Have a good day, Mr. Red. The man grunted a third time at the last shift waitress, Glory, and stumbled out into lightening dawn. Harry Red. Not a very clever name. In the outer worlds hed been given the monicker, Hari-Rud by the Persians who ran the customs and tariff bureaus at all the major space ports. It was all because of an old port boss named, Zhe, who had a knack for languages and recognized the Latin Arius and translated it back to Persian. Hari-Rud stuck. When he came back to the middle heavens the name followed him in an Anglicized form. That was how the great bounty hunter, Arius Ulfilas, disappeared.

Cheers M

Cool - I would change things like "travel pack" to make it sound a little more technical... I like, I like...

There is quite a bit of back story peeking through here, which bodes well for a deep and interesting tale. As to where to take it, it's a mighty short segment for us to come up with ideas. Obviously, there is a reason he disappeared, and presumably, a reason for him to resurface. Some noble cause, perhaps? No idea how much you've already got worked out in you head, but with all those back story hints, I'm betting you've got a notion. I like your style a lot, and love the linguistic twists that lead to his alias. My only quibble is with the last sentence. With the "That was how..." it sounds disconnected from the tale. Maybe something like "Thus, the great bounty..." would flow better? jon

Wow... Thanks for the input! I will do a rewrite taking on board the comments and post another few paragraphs. I'm trying to keep the writing light and tight, but still meaty, (which is new for me). I'll replace "worn travel pack" with "worn Escarian carry-all". What do you think? I missed that opportunity to detail, Elminster_Zk. Thank you. I see what you're saying about the last line and I agree completely, but "Thus" doesn't fit. It sounds more like a biblical pronouncement than a "matter of fact" statement that I wanted to juxtapose with "great bounty hunter". I'll bounce that around more, but I know you're right, jstro. Thank you again... :o) M

No prob, Moebius.

Yea, after I posted it I thought "Thus" didn't quite do it either. But I'm ssure you'll figure something out. jon

Rather than back track on a rewrite, here are the next few paragraphs. The intention here is to help visualize the main character.Arius ducked down and through the service portal, easing himself sideways out into the back alley. It wasn't that the doorway was small, but even hunched down he was well over two meters tall and just under a meter wide at the shoulders. Close cropped grey hair topped a boxy skull with random patches of gristle poking up between the scars and wrinkles that cascaded down his face. It was a noble face chisled unkindly by age and experience. Narrow slits hid dark dull orbs of black on black, eyes manufactured by the Trehan guild. Beneath a wide flat nose, he had a cruel scar of a mouth that had only twice ever curled into the semblance of a smile. His ribs still ached, but he could now feel the tingling stirring of the nanobots. He'd coded in the dosage capsule back at the diner with the instructions to regenerate and downed a healthy mouthful of the nanobots. It took an hour before the army of microscopic machines was able to locate the damaged parts of his body. They would have another six hours to work on repairing and reconstructing his body before they consumed themselves completely. He would then have to take another dosage if the regenerative work was not completed in time. It was beginning to rain in the early hours of the morning. A warm, acidic drizzle according to how the droplets registered in the spectrum of his amplified vision. He drew his coat tighter around himself. Arius knew he would need to find shelter against this kind of rain. His hardened skin wouldn't react too badly to the acids, but the replacement limbs would not take kindly to prolonged exposure. "Lower Mesopotamia", he muttered. Three stops down via the tubes or a short hop on the DysTrans shuttle. He wasn't really in a hurry and the tubes did offer more anonimity.

And that's as far as I got. Feedback and critique. I don't mind starting over completely. I still am not sure where I am going with this particular character/story, but you are right... I do have a pretty well developed back story. Thank you in advance. Cheers! M

Lookin' good, Moe. I think the nanobot paragraph sounds a bit awkard, but besides that its shaping up well...

Thanks, Elminster! :o) Again, you're right. It does feel a little awkward becase I might have dumped too much "techno-babble" into very poorly crafted sentences. The pacing is wrong. I need to start introducing the technology more insiduously. I don't want to plunge my reader into the thick of things, perhaps a less obvious immersion would be better. I really do appreciate your feedback! Any suggestions on what he might find in Lower Mesopotamia? Or should I change the place name to something more oriental sounding to further fragment the reader's reference set? Thanks again! :o) M

Yeah, take out things that add again what you try to say, like in the second sentence, remove "of the nanobots" at the end, you already say it in sentence one. No, I liked that Lower Mesopotamia - reminded me of Dan Simmons ;) Well, LM could be maybe some kind of backwards technological group in their own quarter of the city- like the Merchant's Ward, but sci fi. It could be like an old-style bazaar, but selling bootleg technology, stolen parts, contraband, etc.

Hey, I like that idea... an old-style bazaar selling bootlegged technology and contraband information. "Lo-Mes" it's a natural sort of derogatory abbreviation, like low-res or low-tech. It makes sense for a man out of place to go where stuff that isn't supposed to be, is. I like that a lot. :o) That's a real keeper. Thanks! M

"Lo-Mes" - cool, I like that... No problem, M, s'what the forums'r for... -Zak

Attached Link: http://www.renderosity.com/viewed.ez?galleryid=340426&Start=1&Artist=ChuckEvans&ByArtist=Yes&Form.s

I'll preface my remarks with an indication that my opinion may well be biased as I find myself in slight awe of the writer's imagination and artistic abilities.

Story concept:

Who can pass up a good futuristic bounty-hunter story (especially one set in Dystopia)? I have already "flirted" with M on a previous attempt at a graphic that incorporated his "Santa Claus" database and SciFi corridor set (link attached wink). A bounty-hunter in the future is a common enough idea, I suppose, but if one's imagination is adequate, it can be different enough to distance itself from all the other "pulp" out there.

What is being written?

That's the first thing to be decided. Well--hehe--after one determines one has the TIME to write, M! From my perspective, and relating to the comments above, I'd say the pace feels a bit rushed. But, that assumes it's a novella/novel. When the reader chooses to read this piece, assuming it's a book of sorts, s/he already knows it's a future piece, so there is no need to rush so much "techno-babble" into the introductory paragraphs. Just my opinion. On the other hand, if it's a short story or comic, then a certain amount of "rush" is needed. Of course, the words in those cases are usually helped by illustrations. Once the writer has decided what the words are destined to be (short story or long story), THAT should be one of the main factors in the pace of delivery.

[side note from the procrastinator in me: for over a year, I've toyed with the idea of something between a comic and a novel that would be more like an illustrated book than a comic...with a "graphic to written page ratio" of about 1 to 5]

Critique (so far):

I think the writer does a good job at "stringin' words" so's they're interestin'. (sorry, leftovers from too much Serenity watchin', I'm afraid). Could it be better? I believe so. Is it bad? I don't think so. Specifically--and this is just ME and MY preferences talking which likely have nothing to do with good and successful writing--I wish the pace was slower. A good deal of time was spent on the main character's name and derivation (etc.) but the reader has no description of the bar/establishment. I think some description of the inside of the bar would be useful as well as a prelude to the main character exiting the establishement and presenting us with a "glimpse" of Dystopia in the early morning. Help set the stage for us, so to speak. We get a short (fairly adequate) description of our hunter and his name but not enough about our surroundings. Considering our (smile) main character is a bounty-hunter, it would be nature to let him take note of the suroundings and let what he sees be our descriptions (if I'm making myself clear). Of course, if the sole intent was just to spend time on fleshing the character, then that's fine.

I'm reminded of Frank Herbert (Dune) who developed an entire glossary for his set of books. That's the advantage of a futuristic story. Backpacks (can) become Trav-paks, T-packs, or Outpacks. Nanobots can become digital meds, digi-meds, seeker-med--not suggesting any of these names are better than what was used, just trying to spark the imagination to think outside the pyramid (wink).

Also, consider giving our "hero" a physical problem/handicap that the readers will worry about. Or, an extra ability rarely seen. Give him emotional problems or phobias. Make him anal-retentive in some way (e.g., he refuses to kill with his hands).

Before you start anything, outline your story/plot. Make notes about the environment and atmosphere you plan to create.

Your "teaser" has a lot of promise. Decide what you want to do with it and then do so with care. You have a regular job and you have a regular life. You also model a lot. Obviously, you have a need/desire to write about what you envision when you model your items. If you are compelled to write but don't have much time, then settle on the story taking a few years.

Thank you very, very much for that extremely helpful and honest insight/comment into this piece, ChuckEvans. :o) You're right. I do need to determine what it is I am writing in terms of length. And I do need to set aside enough time to write this out properly. When I first started this, I was "shooting from the hip" armed with a little bit of trivia. Now I think I will take on this task to get it done properly. I think I will write short stories (around 5,000 - 8,000 words). Different characters, different plots, same locations, probably have overlapping threads. I don't do character work in my CG, so having images might not work out in terms of creating an illustrated series. Point taken. I will slow down the piece and take in the surroundings at the pace of a man sizing up the space he's in. I like all your suggestions, specially the one inviting to "think outside the pyramid". A character quirk of some sort would be good, but now you've got me thinking that it might be an inherited cultural eccentricity (religion perhaps? --- too messy, lol). I guess I should get to work on a plot... or an outline... something. Got any suggestions about what this is all about? I've got a decent backdrop for a story, but till now I've been firing away blindly. Any and all suggestions welcome. :o) Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to this thread. Cheers! M

A case of TMI---too much information...or TLI, too little. Probably when you decide the direction the story is taking, you can fix it easily. I'd like to know more about the "hero". Maybe the bartender found him "familiar" but couldn't place him exactly. Try fleshing out the scenery. U don't need to include all the details in the paragraph, but you should know exactly where your character is. Maybe our hero had been here in the past and found it just as it had been, or not.... Just a thought. I'm trying to write, too. The settings are HARD! Knowing the character is easier. Let the reader come to know him, too.

Thanks for the pointers! :o) I must confess that character is much harder for me... settings are a lot easier. :o) I suppose I was holding back, because I do tend to babble when it comes to environment and props. One of the things I do for settings is that I model the entire environment out. Actually, it's almost the other way around... while I am modeling the environment, there's a short story writing itself out in the back of my head. LOL! I know it sounds a bit possessed, but take a look in the Developer's Forum I'm creating the setting that the main character, Arius, will be visiting in Lo-Mes. It's a noodle shop called "Feng's". Cheers! M

Yeah, just your ordinary "noodle" shop (wink).

You may know this already but Mary Stewart, who made quite a name for herself with suspense and historical novels, I recall said in one interview that she always started with settings, and not characters, when she began thinking about writing. She felt the influence of a place on characters was an integral part of her novels. I'm sure other authors do the same...she's just the one I am most familiar with.

Hi dialyn, :o) Thanks for dropping by and sharing that precious insight on developing settings. I am sure that that is how I should approach rewriting this first draft. It feels like the right tact to take. Before I do take on a rewrite, I will complete this short story, flesh out the entire plot, get my events sorted out, and arrive at a resolution to whatever conflicts might arise. And then I think I will do a critical review. :o) Cheers! M

I had to fix my beginning to leave out a lot of the descriptive stuff for a later period in the story where a more detailed description made more sense.

Leave a post on where to buy the finished product, too, please. I want to know how it turns out. To quote a stupid character in a movie I once saw, "I'd buy that for a dollar!"

I had to fix my beginning to leave out a lot of the descriptive stuff for a later period in the story where a more detailed description made more sense.

Leave a post on where to buy the finished product, too, please. I want to know how it turns out. To quote a stupid character in a movie I once saw, "I'd buy that for a dollar!"

Nah, leave travel pack..... it needs something else though.... it needs to make the reader want to find out what happens. The opening of a short story is like a movie preview... it makes you want to see the movie but not ruin the movie....