I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas The music was really,*** ***really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

...and how was your day? 

:lol: @ beos

Hi and ..................... Welcome to "True Confessions" ...

Have you ever ... (for the older guys) ...

... been in a hurry and got dressed then gone out shopping for several hours and then ...

... at your last stop, someone tells you (quietly) that your fly is open ... OOPS! :blushing: ...

Oh, well, you think, ............................"If he can't get up, he can't get out." :lol:

:lol: @ both of yer. 

Aw, c'mon Paul ........... surely YOU can contribute SOMETHING ............. no??? :blink:

Lemme work on it.  About to feed the cats before they start rioting. 

Ah, been that, done there, better go do it ... them cats can make a real mess when they get pi$$ed. :lol:

In the meantime, a c&p from another site...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
 

 HAHAHAHAHHA !!!! 

 You guys just made me spit up my coffee laughing! ROFL

A rock band are killed in a car crash on their way home from a gig.  Amazingly, they arrive at the pearly gates, where St Peter informs them of a few requirements.

"First of all, to speed things along, I need to know some information about each of you.  So, you'll need to tell me your name, IQ and profession.  Once that's done, I can make sure you each get placed in the appropriate department."

So the first guy steps forward and says, "I'm Alan Marsden.  My IQ is 168 and I play keyboards."

"Ok Alan", replies St Peter, "go to the first door on the right.  You'll find our philosophers, physics experts and theorists in there".

The next fellow walks up and says, "My name is Paul Bellamy, my IQ is 158 and I'm a guitarist!.

St Peter points down the hallway and says, "Second door on the left for you.  That's where all our sculptors, painters and writers hang out."

The third member of the band steps up and says, "Hi.  I'm Andy Wyatt and my IQ is 116.  I play bass."

"Ok Andy, take the first door on the left.  You'll find our Sports fans in there." 

The last one walks up and says, "I'm Nick Short and my IQ is 14."

"Really?" says St Peter, "What kind of sticks do you use?"

Q:  How do you get two drummers to play in time together?

A: Shoot one.

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?

A: When you throw an accordian into a dumpster and it hits a banjo. 

Q: How do you get rid of the guitarist on your doorstep?

A: Pay for the pizza.

A bass player locked the keys in the van and it took him an hour to get the drummer out.

Q: What do you call a singer without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

ha ha ha ha ha

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
    
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.   

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
        
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.