My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up

my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

He says what do you expect?

You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a

different creature.

 She said "I would like to come back as a cow". I said you're obviously not f--k--g listening.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.

It's called a wedding cake.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty.

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.

Thanks, Sam.

I needed a laugh this morning.

:lol: Thnx.

Thanks ;).

Laurie

Thanks, Sam - I needed that!

C~

Quote - Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

I think you and I are on the same dental plan... :blushing:

Some late arrivals: 

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

A bloke rolls up at home at 3am, drunk and tries to get his key in the front door...
His wife throws open the door and stands over him with the rolling pin at the ready. "you've been out drinking again you bum, it's 3am and you've got spew all over your new shirt!!!...that's it! you're finished here"
The bloke thinks quick and explains "baby, the boys took me out after work, I promise I'll never do it again....and here..." he offers her a $20 note...
"What's that for?" she asks
"well, some bloke I was helping down the stairs of the pub was really drunk and he spewed on me...so he gave me $20 for the cleaning"
The wife softens and takes the $20. "don't ever do this again, I'm warning you" she spits back.

The next Friday night, ol' mate rolls up home and tries to get the keys in the door...
His wife throws open the door and stands over him with the rolling pin at the ready. "I told you......and look, you've got spew all over your new shirt again!!!...that's it! you're finished here"
The bloke gingerly holds out 2, $20 notes
"what's this for?" she asks
"well" he explains "well, another bloke I was helping down the stairs of the pub was really drunk and he spewed on me...so he gave me $20 for the cleaning"
"what's the other $20 for then?" she asks
he answers "well, thats from the other dirty bastard that shit in me pants! 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this, before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland." 

my computer just told me it needed a new password. It should contain eight characters and show diversity. So I picked "Snowwhite and the Seven Dwarfs".

Two peanuts walked into a bar and one was assaulted. :lol:

A guy walked into a bar and sustained head injuries. :lol:

A dislexic guy walked into a bra. :lol:

Two fish swimming up a river ran into a concrete wall, one fish says to the other, "Damn." :lol:

Two TV antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.
The wedding was so-so ...
... but the reception was excellent !!! :lol:

A buddy of mine announced he is getting MARRIED!!

I told him: "Save yourself some time"

He asked: "how"??

I told him: Dont get married ,go Find a woman you really HATE and just give her half of your money.

Cheers

LOL!

Hickory dickory dock

3 mice ran up the clock

the clock struck one...

and the other 2 got away with minor injuries.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
the cow jumped over the moon ..................... udder destruction. :lol:

Better than a Flu Shot?

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things, a condom!
 
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few
months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

Ok, that park sign got me. I choked on my coffee....lmao.

I think I peed a little bit too.

Laurie

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

:lol: :lol:  Thanks Sam for the laughs :P

You're welcome.  Also, thanks to everyone else who's contributed.

We all need a laugh now and again.  

I'm sorry...I had to do it..It wasn't personal..But I informed INS of an illegal situation which was getting out of hand and something had to be done...As I write.. The entire town of Who-ville is being rounded up by the Border Patrol...I'm sorry , but the Grinch was right on this one..Enough was enough!!..Those Illegal Who's... Put the hard working Smurfs out of business..Those Who's are not the cute little munchkins they portray..Why even Cindy Lou Who ..Who was no more than 2... was beginning to turn tricks on the corner...2? My arse ..she's at least 22...Frauds every last one of them!!...They play those fandanglers to all hours of the night! ..I even saw a gang of Who's beat the snot out of Sam I Am... At Denny's..Just because the dude doesn't like green eggs and ham and he gave a Gps unit to the south going zax...Poor guy was heading west at the time...Sam has a Visa and is a decent cartoon just trying to make a living.. and those Violent Who's beat him to a pulp...Soooooooooo this x-mas those Who's are going to be cooling their heels making license plates and I've done my civic duty to safeguard America's BordersSorry about the grammar; he's the Cable Guy...

Edited to add image

Thanks all!

Quote - You're welcome.  Also, thanks to everyone else who's contributed.

We all need a laugh now and again.  

Oh, definitely!