Haven't seen this in a long time, but it's still as good as the first time I saw it.  By writer Tom Holt.

I am the very model of a newsgroup personality. 
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality. 
Addresses I have plenty of; both genuine and ghosted, too, 
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to. 
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling, 
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling. 
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you 
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it). 
I wouldn't know a valid point if I were introduced to it. 
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia, 
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia. 
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery, 
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery. 
I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity, 
The gibberings of one who's on the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to; 
If only Mum could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to; 
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery; 
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery; 
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical; 
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical; 
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate; 
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face, 
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace. 
To stick me in "Old Sparky" and turn on the electricity 
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity. 
I always have the last word; so, with uttermost finality, 
That's all from me, the model of a newsgroup personality.

I have to honestly say I have never seen this before but I absolutely LOVE it!  Now...to cut-n-past on Facebook so it can be reposted to twitter!

I still can't read it without laughing like, never mind, maybe I resemble what I almost wrote. 

A lot of things in it date it, it's been maybe fifteen years since the first time I saw it.  I wasn't the one that posted it, and the reaction from the intended target seemed to miss the humor.  Had to search for it maybe half an hour, couldn't remember what it was called.  First line is the name too.

Doric

Oh this should be a sticky thread!

Oh this should be a sticky thread!

lol, +1 to that

Excellent.

Sounds like the ramblings of a frustrated teenager who uses F***book.
Maybe someone stole her Like buttons :-D

Good writing though.

Sounds like the ramblings of a frustrated teenager who uses F***book.
Maybe someone stole her Like buttons :-D

Good writing though.

I'm not so sure on the teenager part, there are a lot of big words in there and the writer was clearly well versed in Gilbert and Sullivan.  I like the original wording and this brought a smile, never seen it before.

It was that line about his "Mum finding a freak-show she could sell him to" that gave the impression of a frustrated teenager :-D
I see it was written by a male, and actually, I didn't notice that first time and though it was written by a female!

But anyway, it comes across as a rambling, a 'speaking-out-loud' sort of thing by one who is obsessed with social networking, but who has realised the only thing it's done for him is alienate him against the rest of society.  I think there's a lot of truth in that, so like I said, good writing.

At the time it was written, what you now call "social media" didn't exist.  You had to subscribe to a news service and have a newsreader, then decide which groups interested you.  I saw it on rec.aviation.soaring, but it might have applied more to alt.fan.karl_malden.nose or alt.alien_vampires.flonk.flonk.flonk. 

I don't know if those groups are still active, but they weren't the kind of place you wanted to go without first disabling Javascript.  Some of the other groups were the kind you didn't want anyone else to see you looking at, the wrong person see that and you might be looking at time in the pokey.  Those groups weren't kids, and if you wanted to be flamed for real, go there.  Some of the groups, it was pretty common to crosspost to either "the nose" or "the flonk" if you really wanted to turn things into a flamefest.

Those were the days.

Doric.

At the time it was written, what you now call "social media" didn't exist.  You had to subscribe to a news service and have a newsreader, then decide which groups interested you.  I saw it on rec.aviation.soaring, but it might have applied more to alt.fan.karl_malden.nose or alt.alien_vampires.flonk.flonk.flonk.

Newsgroups are still alive and kicking, though they're more likely peopled by die-hards and some professionals who appreciate communities that tend to have more mature posters. I haven't messed around with newsgroups in years, though. Just too little time.

Everything that happens has happened before... There's nothing new in internet discussions that didn't happen fifteen-years ago on newsgroups. Before that, it was BBS and those were the same, but with much smaller groups.

Ah, I remember BBS, lol, and I remember feeling like I got scorching speed just because I downloaded a 2-colour 32x32 pixel animation in like 15 minutes or something to that effect.

Have to say my impression of BBS was much different to yours, though.  I really enjoyed them and can't say I ever came across an argument (at least nothing like we have these days).  I think what's nice about a BBS system is that you have things working as you want them, it's like owning your own independent internet with no ISP involved (and that's how it should be, a system we need to go back to).  If I had the choice to stay with what we have now (with it's speed, fancy graphics, corruption and censorship), or the sheer enjoyment of what we had then (absolute freedom, control, and the ability to mingle with like-minded individuals in a space truly owned by each individual Sysop) I'd rather have what we had back then (BBS), cause apart from the speed and tech back then, it was superior on every level as far as I'm concerned.

But yup, I know, I'm just a luddite, and while I'm not old, I'm glad I'm old enough to be lucky enough to have experienced the world of BBS, because visiting one is actually visiting someones computer, a world or community they set-up for like-minded users to access worldwide, and it's always different, no two seemed to work the same.  Just like going into a strangers house and taking a look around.  I just love that aspect of it, the individuality and control, and absolute power to keep away what you don't like.  And I was lucky I suppose, cause a lot of the BBS I visted were very local to me so I was ok for speed a lot of the time.  I even visited the Sysop of one BBS and bought a keyboard from him, he made me an offer I couldn't refuse, it was a genuine bargain :-D

Anyway, sorry, getting OT, but just one last thing ...

If you go to Google Images and search for "BBS" you'll get a bunch of alloy wheels.  But if you actually search for "Bulletin Board System" you'll see images of what you expected to see.  So very sad that the term "BBS" brings up a brand of alloys rather than what it actually stands for!

they still have those newsgroup "bulletin boards" a.k.a. usenet.  it was what tommy cruise used in first "mission impossible" (1996).

somebody ask eric idle to update it to:

I am the very model of a modern forum denizen

my comments are so helpful and not even slightly menacin'

can quote both monty python and the famous alfred tennyson

I seldom dine on items such as coq-au-vin or venison.

:lol:  @ all the above comments.  

The original song that this was based on was in the genre of the "Patter Song", Gilbert and Sullivan were the masters of it.

You could consider it very early, very English rap...

@Morkonan: I'm well aware that the usenet groups are still in existence, but have my doubts about some of them, specifically those I quoted.  I would have many doubts that "The Nose" or "The Flonk" are much different, and alt.hackers.malicious is more than likely still a place few here would want to visit.  Those supposedly serious groups I used to frequent have been taken over by people that see everything as a political platform on with to spew garbage in truckloads, thrown with trebuchet.  It's somewhat a shame, only a few that consistently crosspost into political groups dragged the idiots into rec.crafts.metalworking because their positions as "guru" were rapidly eroded.  Then others went into the porn groups and dragged more crap in, I won't even bother to try to read that group anymore.  A couple of others that I once posted into, not worth it, the group isn't interested in general discussions, just on discussing one or two aspects of the activity.  And anything outside that, forget it, they don't want to hear it, they'll fill a thread with crap just to see serious discussion of other topics, although related, are buried in purest extract of male bovine excrement.

Doric