Getting the "voice" of a character can be difficult to do. It's easy to lapse into the "He was angry, very angry" instead of having the character show how he feels. Here's the scene - 1 person watching another person playing pool. In 1 or 2 paragraphs, let the reader know how the person watching feels about the person playing pool without actually naming the emotion(s). Perhaps the two are playing pool, one taking a shot while the other one waits. Perhaps the pool player isn't even aware that s/he is being watched. Use whatever point of view you prefer (first peron, second person, third person limited, etc.) Assuming 2 weeks is enough, that would make the deadline 26 August. If anyone has suggestions for exercises, please let me know!

Well, I'm no more a writer than I am an artist. I'm no more a platypus than either. So... Not sure I understand the "mission", and perhaps others as well, so I offer the following example (if it even qualifies for THAT) for clarification purposes: ------------------------------------------------ Bitch! The word escaped her lips at the moment it popped into her mind. Anna stole a glance at the small impromptu crowd of regulars that had gathered around her table, her table, to see if it had been heard over the dull murmur of low voices and ever-present clinking of beer bottles. The expressions she scanned showed only one focal pointthat bitch. She fumed at herself for being sharked as she studied the faces of her fans. Maybe her former fans. Her hand, though tight on her stick, slipped down the shaft a bit because of the sweat. She relaxed a bit, moved her fingers back in place, and interpreted the faces half-hidden in the shadows beyond the pool table. Excited whispers found eager ears and eager eyes from the mostly-male audience found an equally exciting focal point. The bitchs cleavage. Anna looked down at herself, made a quick note of how she looked tonight, adjusted her stance to one a bit more provocative, and then swung her eyes toward her slender, yet shapely, opponent. Maybe it was the game she was losing. Maybe it was the beauty of the figure lining up another solid to sink. Or perhaps the excitement of the onlookers as they followed every move this invader made. It was at that moment that Anna knew her reign at Cueties was over. --------------------------------------------- If I understand the point of the exercise, I tried to let the reader see ANGER, JEALOUSY/ENVY, and SADNESS without using those words in the writing. This was provided so that comments could be made that this either IS or ISN'T fulfilling the quidlines. So, THERE!

Oh, and...

Great job! The action is very dynamic and catches the reader from the start. I can easily see the impending cat fight, with the narrator subtling shifting her pose, trying to intimidate her opponent. Without describing much of the physical surroundings, you've given me a strong, visual image of the scene. I've re-read the passage a few times and I keep finding small details that I didn't consciously notice the first time, but really added to the scene. The emotions you put in the scene definitely showed through. Who's the next, brave volunteer?

The envy came through really clearly and the anger and jealousy were obvious as well. I got all those before reading your note at the bottom of the post. Didn't really see the sadness but when she calms down I can see that it is where her emotional state is going.

My heart is pounding and I am fidgeting on my seat, waiting for her to notice me again. She can barely stand and as she leans forward to try and take her shot she loses her balance, sprawling gracelessly across the pool table.Like a wave the great mounds of fat she calls her voluptous figure seem to spill across the baize, I think I might vomit. Behind her I see a man blow out his cheeks and mimic her. They are all laughing at her and she cannot see. Please, let her forget I am here.
It is, as ever, too much to hope for. She struggles back to her feet, tugging the belt that passes for a skirt back over hips as wide as any on an oprah show, unselfconciously scratching an armpit she remembers and points me out. Following that chipped accusing nail all eyes around the pool table turn to me. I see the smiles fall from their faces and that look again in all those staring eyes.
Telling all the world how proud she is of me, her beautiful twelve year old daughter.
Letting all the world know that she is my mother.

....
I'm hoping you can get a sense of the emotions I'm trying to get my little girl to portray, but I myself am too nervous to tell you what they are lol

Tks, Shoshanna...you're overtly kind...grin. I don't claim to be a writer. Nor an artist. But in my dreams...sigh. I spent about 15 minutes on it (confessing). I could have spent 30 easily. Tweaking and changing till it became a mess, I guess. The sadness was supposed to be apparent from the last sentence where she realizes she is no longer the best female player in the room. Nor the prettiest. The intent was that she enjoyed that status when she was "on top" and now will miss that feeling. Any failure to convey that feeling to the reader is the writer's fault...hehe.

"I'm hoping you can get a sense of the emotions I'm trying to get my little girl to portray, but I myself am too nervous to tell you what they are lol" And, as I am reluctant to do with remarks on art, I am nervous about commenting. Not even sure if it's my place...Crescent is running the show (grin). But since you just posted back to me earlier, let me give it a shot. Above all, one emotion is of the perpetual EMBARRASMENT teenagers always seem to feel when around their "less-than-perfect" parents. Another emotion, it seems, is obvious from the beginning. NERVOUSNESS. (if that's an emotion). Finally, though related to my first sentence, a bit of SHAME. She's ashamed of her mother. (if that's an emotion). Nice imagination! Although the exercise didn't call for a critique of the "story" (and certainly didn't call for me to make comments at all), I'd have to say I was hooked after the first few sentences. Obviously wondering what was going on. And like the end of a good joke that catches all the listeners by surprise, you "whomped" me and I had to chuckle a bit. I didn't see it coming.

----- I sat on the stool watching him. The easy grace in which he moved warned me that he was a pool shark. The man knew how to move. The smooth even stroke as the cue slid between his fingers, the way he bent over to get a clear view of the shot. It seemed as if every move was calculated in a way to show off his muscular well trimmed form. And boy, did he ever. Tight, everything was firm and bulging. The room was stifling, so hot tonight, even with the rain falling just a few feet outside. Was there a breeze coming in? Probably not. Rubbing my hands on my jeans to mop away the sweat, I stood to go make my shot not really aware of anything but him. The man had a definate presence. "Your shot," he rumbled with a good chuckle as he looked me over. Too damned hot in here. -----

Farah rubbed her sore, bruised cheek hoping the rouge concealed it from the view of others. From the corner of her eye she saw Jimmy approaching.
She stiffened and grabbed the cold bottle of Bud off the jukebox holding it out to him, "Here Baby."

"I'm gonna beat that son of a bitch." Jimmy said.
He grabbed the beer and shoved his pool stick at her. Out of habit she flinched. Then, out of habit, she composed herself and smiled at him, caresseing his cheek with her hand.

"Don't," He glared at her,"not now."

Yanking the stick from her hand he set the empty beer bottle next to the other seven on top of the jukebox.
"I'm gonna beat that son of bitch." He sneered.
Farah hoped Jimmy would beat that son of a bitch.

I don't know how one would label this emotion. Abusive relationships have a complex dynamic. I guess it's the emotion of never knowing what someone is going to do next. Not quite apprehension or anxiety. Did I pull it off?

Okay, my turn. I'm actually going to make the deadline this time! ********** I missed the shot again. Well, it's not like I have much time to practice. Paul smiled at me, that easy going smile that always gets him the babes, and started walking the table, analyzing the pool table like he owned it. Of course, he treats everything that way. He mumbled some pseudo-sincere "almost had the shot" at me, as if he thought I'd believe him, and lined up his own shot. Now any real player would just pop the nine into the corner pocket, but that was a straight shot, no style, and Paul was nothing if not style. He angled the ball so it banked twice then gently nudged the eleven right into the middle pocket. Even the clink of the ball hitting the bottom of the pocket screamed finese. His date of the night, probably some $1,000 a night job, cooed appreciatively, surprised that he made the shot. Me, I knew he'd make the shot. He always makes the shot. But one day, he is going to miss, and miss big. And I'll be damned if I'm not there to catch it. ***************** Feel free to poke and prod.

With more than casual interest, Chuck read the forum moderator's submission. Having submitted his own modest entry, he was now eager to see how his compared with Crescent's. He scrolled up and down at first, judging the length, paused and then centered the thread on his screen. This was for the benefit of the cigarette he had just lit because, being a right-handed smoker, the mouse was idling on the desk. A few sentences into the story revealed the ability of a practiced writer. Analyzing as he read further down the screen, Chuck soon knew he was outclassed. He paused for a deep pull from his, placed it carefully in the ashtray and turned to read the finish. Yep, nicely done and tidied up in a neat little paragraph. Poke and prod she had said. Hmmmpf! Nothing to poke and prod at! But, he thought, as smoke blurred the words on the screen in front of him, "I'll be there one day when she's 'off her game'." He dug the remainder of the cigarette into the ashtray and watched as the glow on the end was smothered. --------------------------------------------------------- Nice job, Cres! Hope you know I was just having some fun. Thought I'd give my compliment (notice I didn't mistakenly use "complement") in the form of a story showing emotion. I can't place my finger on the emotion(s), though. I'm not sure what you call it when a person wants to see another fail. A certain amount of jealously and envy, I suspect. This shown by the references to not having time to practice, the escort Paul had, his ability to "get babes", etc. Though not stated, I am assuming Paul is a friend. Is there an emotion for having a friend whom you don't like as a friend? Or perhaps Paul is just a frequent visitor at the parlor.

I've played billiards against annoyingly smug sharks like Paul and can empathise with your narrator's agitation, Cres. Good job. Storm, I had to read yours a couple times because the emotion is clear but the piece offers a lot of questions (which I think is highly desirable for fiction). I think the emotion is nervousness or intimidation. But is she intimidated by the competition or that she knows now he will be checking the narrator out while they shoot? And is she wanting him to check him/her out or not wanting his attention? Nice. Shoshanna, I can empathise with your narrator also. I used to remain a good distance from my parents when in public. They were like soooo embarassing. I like how you employed the word "sprawling". Chuck, you drove your emotion home in almost every sentence! I think you are a bit too humble about your skill level. So, Crescent which entry wins the free 'Poser 5' software? Oh, sorry, I was supposed to keep it a secret. :)

I realized late last night I had failed to comment on two other submissions. Since I was frustrated and wrestling with the Antares ship sections by Moebious, I decided to wait till later. Storm: I read it a bit different than Ram did. 'Course, not the first time I may have been off-base, though. I feel the storyteller is female and, to put it bluntly, is in dire need of, well, errrr, hmmmm. Let's forget the bluntness. Assuming I'm not entirely wrong, I think you did a great job of showing how "hot" things can be. Oh, and was the "...smooth even stroke as the cue slid between his fingers" phrase intended to be suggestive or was it just my dirty mind? Ram: When someone writes something, I think it means a lot to them when a reader is touched. When you can find that thread connected to the tear duct and tug ever-so-slightly on it. FEAR, PAIN, and whatever the emotion one feels when they are trapped in a situation. HELPLESSNESS? Great job.

Thanks Chuck. I'm glad the population count is growing here. More editorial minds to pick :) This is off the subject but don't you love the 'antares' props. Have you tried lalverson's AFA sci-fi props? Big files but well worth the download time.

I just read this whole thread again, and although I KNOW I ought to say Crescents work is the best, my favourite piece of writing here is Chucks description of himself reading Crescents work. I think you spoke for us all lol:-)

Hey, be honest. If you liked Chuck's more, say so. I was cracking up when I read his entry; I thought it was creative as well as well-written. (And he is far too modest on his writing abilities.) Now, hypothetically speaking, if there were a writing contest, what would make for appropriate prizes? (This is a writing forum, not a Poser forum, sorry RAM.)

You guys are much too kind. Thank you. But piecing together a hundred words on a tiny topic doesn't require NEAR the talent needed for a sweeping novel/book with multiple characters/plots. I know my place. I feel confident enough to submit to this forum and not be embarassed. And any tips I get can only help me improve.

My ideas Obviously Poser 5. Or Gift Vouchers for using in Renderosity? Free subscription to Renderosity Magazine? Being printed in Renderosity Magazine? Piece of work displayed at top of forum in new Victory Corner?!! Grudging mention by moderator that someone did the best work? See how my ambitions plummet as reality sets in. Whatever it is, this time, I vote that Chuck gets it. :-) Unless it's poser 5 then I think I deserve it. lol

You win exercises by participating. Therefore, everyone here won. :-) You win contests by being judged the best, and often get a prize. There hasn't been an official contest announcement yet, so no judging yet.

I hope I can give a coherent review now that some of the sugar overload is out of my system: Shoshanna - you really got the adolescent angst across in your description. I hadn't even considered a pool scenario like you described. Definite kudos on that. A few times, the words seem to come from an author, not a teenager - voluptuous, for example. If you put that part in quotes 'what she calls "her voluptuous figure"' then it would fit better. (It would mean her mother literally uses that expression, which makes more sense than a young teenager.) There's also some grammatical mistakes that made me re-read the passage. You've really got the scene and emotions down, it just needs some polishing with structure and word choice. Stormrage - you did an excellent job on setting up the scene. I'm guessing you were going for sexual attraction from the way her description keeps going back to his looks and way the narrator seems slightly distracted. The prose flows smoothly, rather like his shot. The last sentence should be its own paragraph, but it puctuates the passage well. It is really that hot, or is it just her? (If I'm way off, I'm going to be really embarrassed!) ;-) RAMINUS - The emotions behind the scene, on both sides, came out nicely. (Minor quibble - if a woman is trying to conceal something under makeup, the last thing she'll want to do is rub the area - it removes the makeup.) I like the dialog, how she calls him Baby - trying to soothe him so he won't hit her, and his reaction to it. Chuck - I'm still laughing at your second submission. (In a good way!) I'm too embarrassed to comment.

Well DRAT! I left the house with the full intention of returning and overflowing the thread with incredibly thoughtful suggestions. What should befall my eyes but the theft of my ideas--from across the big pond no less! (and Renderosity being unavailable didn't help) J/K Good suggestions, Shanna. Let me comment on them: ---------------------------------------------------- Obviously Poser 5. [Yeah, like THAT's going to happen!] Gift Vouchers for using in Renderosity? [That sounds like it should fall in the realm of possibilities] Free subscription to Renderosity Magazine? [See comment attached to Poser 5 suggestion] Being printed in Renderosity Magazine? [Buried on the inside seam of some lowly page no doubt, but worthy of being labeled a good suggestion] Piece of work displayed at top of forum in new Victory Corner?!! [Or establish a link to a page showing monthly winners] Grudging mention by moderator that someone did the best work? [I think we receive that sort of thing as it is...well, kinda...grin] So, what's left for me to suggest? Hmmmm... In another forum, they allow the winner to chose the topic for the next contest. In this forum, it could be wickedly imaginative! As to showcasing a winning entry, being placed on the home page (near the bottom of course...after all, it IS a graphics site) would be awesome. Or how about one of those new 11 x 14 prints from the printing section? OK, I'm exhausted. I need to open a fresh can of imagination. PS: You're funny, Shanna!

a rule of thunb for reading her work: ALWAYS READ AS MUCH SEXUAL INNUENDO INTO IT AS POSSIBLE! it was reading a series of stories she wrote that caught my interest...now, I married her.that much sexuality drew me like crazy. ~GRYN~

Jaqui is correct. It was meant as sexual attraction and her distraction about it. S but I learned to also let others read things into it. Allow them to take it to where they want it to go which is what I kind of wanted and am very glad I got.

No poser 5?!!! You mean I submitted that just to learn something!? Oh well, I'm glad you decided to stick to the participation prize awarded to all contestants - so where's my Sol Stein fiction writing software? Oh, let look in my purchases to download it ;)(: