I don't think it's necessarily fair to introduce my comments onto a forum without showing where I'm at either in graphics or in writing. I wrote this a year ago....and I'm posting it here because it shows my style fairly well and because the last two things I completed were novels and they would be too much to put on a forum. I don't know if it's good or bad, but this is how I write. I'm not expecting to be published. I'm not expecting anything to come of my writing. Once in awhile, it just appears. Probably it's a good thing it doesn't appear often. And yeah, a certain popular televison show inspired this short story...but I think it stands well enough on its own that it freed itself from the material that inspired it. I'm not a snob about such things.

4/17/2001
Once Upon a Lifetime Ago

He unlocked the door to his townhouse and entered the foyer. As he closed the door, he realized there was something different. It took him a moment to realize that it was a scent -- a perfume that was all too familiar. Whatever else was true, that scent should not have been there. It had been a long time since he had brought a woman back here -- so long that his coworkers made fun of his monkish existence.

"Life is more than crossword puzzles and National Geographic specials," one said.

"Maybe you should spend the night with a woman who breathes once in awhile," said another.

He had tried, in his own fashion, to find someone who could understand the importance of his work, his dedication, but recently promising starts ended in his being rebuffed. It seemed almost easier not to try rather then be hurt again.

But there was that scent and it recalled someone to him. It should not have been here and yet there it was, bringing forward memories he thought were long buried away.

"Going to stand there in the dark all night?" There was her voice. Could that be? Could she really be waiting for him in his living room? After all this time, could it be? A light switched on and there she was -- as if fifteen years and a lifetime had not passed.

"Well, look at you," she said, running her tongue over her lips. "You were the cutest thing in tight blue jeans fifteen years ago, and there you are -- still a heart breaker."

"That was your line of work, not mine." He walked into the living room. There were already signs of her -- the ruffled magazines left open in messy piles, a glass with her lipstick smeared on it sitting on a newspaper, and that scent of hyacinths and vanilla.

"Hey, if I had known how sweet you'd age, I might have made some different decisions."

He felt almost embarrassed by the fact that he still found her attractive. She was older, harder perhaps, but still sensuous and intriguing. "Would you?"

"Isn't it time you forgave me? Everyone is entitled to one mistake."

"And yours was Johnny Meadows."

"I just couldnt resist a man with a motorcycle. If you had had a motorcycle, I would stayed with you."

"He also had a wife."

"He was almost divorced."

"Yes, well, her death solved that problem."

"It's mean of you to bring that up. Sit down, baby. You look so uncomfortable standing there."

He didn't have any intention of getting comfortable in her presence.

She smiled as if she knew how powerful her hold still was on him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, baby, I've got a big favor to ask you."

"You're kidding."

"Look...it's only fair. I've forgiven you."

"For what?"

"For putting my man away. It wasn't very nice of you."

"He killed his wife."

"But, baby, she wasn't nice to him. Not as nice as I was to you."

"You were nicer to him. You even helped him hide the body."

"But we couldn't hide it well enough from you and those damn dogs. And we still might have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those stupid bugs of yours."

"Johnny Meadows kills his wife in a fern garden and you two move the body. You took insects that need a high moisture environment into a desert area. Did you think I wouldn't notice that?"

"Who was thinking about a bunch of bugs at the time?"

"What are you doing here? I thought you were still in prison."

"I got out for good behavior. Don't you believe that? I can be so good. You know I can? Baby, I was so good to you when I wanted to be."

He shook his head. "You don't know what you did to me."

"Oh, baby, I need you to forgive. I need this favor."

"What is it?"

"You know it's hard after you get out.... nobody really wants you. Nobody legit when they hear the story. And they always hear the story. Well, I got into a bit of trouble. Some of Johnny's old pals got me into some business and there was a lot of money. I love money. I'd like to spread out a bunch of bills on a bed and take you out of those baggy clothes and let you feel it underneath your bare skin while I -- "

"Never mind that. What trouble did you get into?"

"I just borrowed some of the money. Went to a casino. Played around a little bit. Won some. Lost a lot. Kept losing. Well, they found out I couldn't pay it back. And stuff happened. Baby, you know you tracked down Johnny and me for somebody you'd never met."

"I just followed the evidence."
"Well, baby, I need you to do the same for me."

"What? What are you talking about?"

It was then that his cell phone rang. He slipped it out of his pocket. "Excuse me...this is a business call."

"I know, baby."

He turned away to take the call. "What is it? A body? In an alley? Estimated time? At least 48 hours. Dont move anything until I get there. Just a second. I've got somebody here."

He turned back. But she wasn't there. This had happened to him before. She had left him without a word before. This was the same, but this was different. The magazines were no longer shuffled but neatly stacked on the coffee table. There was no lipstick smeared glass. All that was left of her was the scent of hyacinths and vanilla. He lifted the phone back to his mouth. "What does she look like? Yeah....o.k., I think I know who it is. I'll be right there to I.D. her. Yeah, it's somebody I know. It's somebody I used to be friends with. A lifetime ago."

Hey I really liked it. Since I don't watch tv as a regular thing I have to admit I do not know what show you have modeled this story after but now that I have read this it makes me want to inquire as to which it is. Maybe I should start watching as it sounds like it would be worthy of the time.

The show is CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. I owe that show a debt, in a sense. At the time I belonged to a message forum on which there were a lot of fans of the show who happened to be strong writers in their own right and for a brief period of time, we indulged in fan fiction. And I don't suggest that fan fiction is always good (some of it is dreadful) and I stopped writing it because my conscience over copyright infringement overwhelmed me. But out of that period of misdeeds came the stimulus to write again, and a couple of the stories I wrote at that time seemed to stand on their own. I would not normally post fan fiction on a site like this where people are doing original work and serious writing, but this was an important and pivotal piece for me...a return to writing which had been lost to me for more than a decade. I have since broken off from writing fan fiction completely and, in fact, quit the message boards that I had belonged to.

What is interesting to me is that there are some excellent writers who are doing fan fiction as an outlet and seem to have no interest in trying to work outside of that genre even though the best of them create original characters and plots and have moved drastically away from the show. I'm not saying that I believe I'm a particularly good writer or better than anyone in the group I broke away from. For me in was a matter of conscience. And ultimately it wasn't a satisifying genre for me to write in since I am egotisical enough to want my characters to be my own and not the property of someone else.

Unfortunately you now know to ask me a question is to get an answer you didn't intend to get.

Uhmmm... and you said the show was... CSI ? LOL.. just kiddin... Welcome to the group. I am relatively new myself and am really enjoying so far.

I know. I do apologize. I suffer from free flowing associations. Welcome to the group! I'm not always this verbose. Blame it on being on vacation and it being too hot to really do anything else. :)

oh soon I will find a soap box of sorts to stand upon, look out, they dont give us enough space in this little box if I ever get going.

Sounds great....I look forward to your thoughts on whatever stirs you to mount that soap box (and I'll happily step off mine if you need to borrow one). I love hearing voices other than my own...though it probably doesn't seem so. Write on!

Very nice, dialyn. It reads well, except for the first two quotes. The first quote is by "one" and the second quote is by "another". It may be the fault of a reader, but when I read that, I thought there were two of something. And not knowing if there was anything there or not, I wondered if he had that little angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the otehr shoulder. Of course, after a fashion, it got cleared up. Probably just me. Nice transition at the close. A good way to indicate to the reader she was never really there. Nice work.

There were two of something...two coworkers. I just didn't want to name them because they weren't important to the story other than their disparaging words, and to set the tone for his ongoing loneliness and isolation. But it is a fair comment. Sometimes things seem a little clearer in my head than they do on the page. And anything that stops the reader is worth clarifying in another draft. Thanks! Anyone ever lose track of their own story? I once had a character go upstairs in a house that only had one floor, and a character then went out a door that wasn't there. When someone pointed it out the ghastly obviousness of my goof, I was fairly embarressed that I couldn't keep track of my own floorplans. Oh, and then there was the character that changed his name half way through a long story. I never noticed what I had done until a friend said, "who the heck is this Joseph guy?" Huh? I would blame it on being 50 but this has been happening to me early on.

Ahh, that explains it. Remembering comments from work. I think losing track is easy. Since I've never written anything over a few pages, I don't think I lose track of them in the way that you speak. But I have in my mind what I know about the character and forget that the audience DOESN'T know the parts I fail to explain. Jeez, just where is the telepathy in audiencies these days!?

A cop who knows what Hyacinths smell like (let alone what they are) is not someone who hangs out at donut shops I presume :) Great job creating character sympathy from the start. I liked the breathing love partner line. And coming from a coworker could it be humurous or emasculating. But it efficiently drew a picture of his social life. It began to seem like 'Body Heat' during their conversation and then the ending took a satisfying twist I didn't see coming. Very nice, Dialyn. I haven't seen CSI other than on commercials. I don't think fan fiction is less noble than working with original concepts. It may in fact be more challenging since you're limited by setting and audience expectations. Show us more. :)

Uh, he meant 'IT COULD BE humorous or emasculating'. Doh!

This could be an intriguing intro to a book. Nice work.

Thank you for the kind remarks. It's been so long since I took a look at these stories, I wondered if they would hold anyone's interest. I'm glad now that I brought them out of the vault.

It's a great snippet. The dialogue flows well and you do get some insight into character, but it does need to be broken up a bit: "Look...it's only fair. I've forgiven you." She twirled a strand of hair between her fingers. "For what?" "For putting my man away. It wasn't very nice of you." He gaped in disbelief. "He killed his wife." Since the perfume is a key point in the first paragraph, could you give it a short, couple of words description? Is it musky, is it light and fruity, is it a strong floral, etc.? The type of scent she wears could say something about her. For the lack of companionship, you might be able to make it flow better this way: It had been a long time since he had brought a woman back here -- so long that his coworkers made fun of his monkish existence**: 'Life is more than crossword puzzles and National Geographic specials,' 'Maybe you should spend the night with a woman who breathes once in awhile.'** (It needs a bit of smoothing, but you get the idea.) Minor nitpick - any forensics investigator who needs to remind his colleagues not to disturb evidence needs to retrain his people or fire them. Maybe something like, "Is the scene secured?" would work better. Yes, even cops mess up on occasion and screw up the crime scene, but they're pretty well trained. In my opinion, asking if the scene is secure is a gentle reminder not to touch anything without implying that they're not smart enough to do their jobs without reminders. (Maybe he does have a slightly condescending view of his colleagues, but I get the impression he doesn't, or if he he did, he wouldn't show it.) Thanks for posting! I hope we can see more pieces.

It's a personal thing but I try to avoid phrases like "He gaped in disbelief." Can anyone guess why or am I alone in my resistence? The rest of your comments are well taken. Thank you for the feedback. I do appreciate it. Maybe one of these days I'll return to this story and rewrite with your ideas in mind. Actually there is another big mistake which no one has caught which has preyed on my mind. They tell him the body has been there for 48 hours but he is the one that would be determining that as the investigator. Oh well. On the list of things to fix. :)

I didn't mean as an investigator. I meant as forensic scientist of the case. Sigh. It wouldn't be him anyway; it would be the person doing the autopsy. Gads. I'll quit while I'm behind on this one.

"He gaped in disbelief" was a suggestion. Yeah, it can look pretty silly if it's out of context. I understand if it's a 'fingernails across the blackboard' phrase for you. I'm just tossing suggestings out for having people do things while they speak. And, yes, I believe that he is an investigator. He's not a detective, but he is investigating aspects of the case. Isn't CSI: Crime Scene Investigations? I don't see anything wrong with someone else stating the body has been there about 48 hours. They might have had someone state that 3 days ago, nothing was there, and the body looked like it had been there a while, or the person might have been missing for 2 days, so they might have estimated 2 days, while calling him to get him to confirm or deny that information. Cheers!

The problem is, they need him to identify the body so if it was someone reported missing, than they would know who it was, but he seems to be the only that does. It's stuck as a wrong note in my head. Which is funny, because it's the one thing that stops me as a reader and yet doesn't seem to bother anyone else. I am terrible at editing. I hate editing. I don't get the creative surge some people do from it. I hope we start a thread on ways to make editing stories less torturous. I always end up loathing my own writing and giving up. Which is one of three thousand reasons why I have bundles of paper on the floor instead of in the mails (sounds like an excuse and not a reason but there it s).