Attached Link: http://www.geocities.com/majikku_haru/angel2.txt

So here's a short story a wrote to be sent in with my spplication for a writer's workshop this summer. The workshop was cancelled from lack of applicants, but I'm still pretty proud of this piece. I character of the angel is actually on of the main characters in a fantasy novel I'm writing, but I wanted to write something from his point of view. (Yes, he's male. My English teacher thought he was a girl; which I guess is understandable, since I never really specify)

Enjoy, and I look forward to any comments you may have.

What a touching story. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing.

You'll hate my first comment: please spell check. There were a lot of typos and the typos spotlighted the grammatical errors. (I can help you with some of the grammar, if you'd like.) The character starts off decently, but you lose his personality, his voice, and the Point Of View becomes stilted. The character starts off by using words like "maids and men" yet later on uses "hygene." The first phrase is slightly archaic in a romantic way. Hygene is modern and clinical. Is the character supposed to be talking to an audience? For the most part he ignores his audience, yet at one point he says, "Except, I know the reasons for my pain, though I will not divulge them here." Either talk to me the entire time, or leave me out entirely. (Also, that particular comment is the equivelant of a kid saying, "I've got a secret and I'm not telling!") I think that if you take some time to focus on how your character would describe things, instead of just trying to put descriptions in the story, you'd strengthen it a lot. I hope this doesn't seem too negative. If the story didn't have promise, I'd pretend I didn't see it. :-)

Hmmm, I read your story Majikku and I think Crescent opened up with the critique rather well in regards to your spelling and grammar. And grammar checks on programs like Wordperfect and Microsoft Word are not the end all be all of checkers. Just a suggestion from a voice of experience, the best person to help out with the two subjects aforementioned by Crescent would be an english teacher or a helpful college english professor. In general though, on the net, people can be very lenient and I am fluent in Typonese myself. ;) Heh, God knows I'm not the perfect writer. Oh and I should add, always be ready for the "Critic Badger", if it senses that you wear your heart on your sleeve, it will get you every time and tear you to shreds. Always look for the gem in someone's critique rather than look for a fight. I guess if I were to guess the genre you are using is some sort of Gothic style? It seemed rather morose, but too fluffy to jerk on any emotional chains on my part as the reader. In fact, my interest dwindled each paragraph and the reason why was from the story feeling like it was going nowhere or at the very least in a vicious time loop. At least that was my perception, which to someone else they might look at me and say, "huh?". I, the Hammer, do that to people time to time. Ok, maybe all the time, but that's just little precious me. (cutesy cherub pose) :) Keep writing, I see a lot of promise in you!

Tanks for reading, and I'm happy that you were honest in your critiques. Most of my friends at school just read it and said "Oh, that's so amazing!" and nothing more, which has always been a pet peeve of mine.

In regards to the spelling errors, the final copy I sent to the judges for the workshop was typo-free and all polished, but when I went to look for the disk I had it saved on, I couldn't find it, and the only copy I had on my hard drive was the Notpad document I'd first typed it in before converting it to WordPerfect. I had forgotten it wasn't editted for spelling like the final copy. (Come to think of it, some of the wording might have been changed as well.) Ah, well. It was a learning experience.

In regards to Schaen (that's the angel's name :) and the portrayal of his character: I know I didn't do the greatest job of pulling it off. Part of the reason I chose to write this story at the time, was because Schaen is a character in a fantasy story I'm writing that actually centers around his mother. (Side not to anyone who's visited my galleries: the Poser figure I created named Aeva, who appears in much of my work is actually and 3D version of his mother) Because Schaen is mute, I wasn't sure how I was going to bring his emotions to light. That story is in third person, but I thought this one was better done from his point of view.

A major problem with giving Schaen his personality is who's his parents are and how they've rubbed off on him over the years. His mother grew up on the streets and acts as though she did, and his father is a god and is very old-fashioned. It's a hard mix to pin down. I'm still working on it though.

Thanks for the reviews. I guess I've learned a few things, not least of all being to type as fast as I think. The typos will be less then. ^^;;

LOL sorry for catering to your pet peeve. I had no intension of doing so at the time but I had just woken up, got my mail and then read your story all within 15 minutes. By the time I got to read crescents' response I thought it would be silly to post back then lol. I promise not to read stuff when I have just woken up ;)