I have been working on this for a while, and I am not entirely happy with it. The overall tone is meant to be wistful. All suggestions for improvement etc...gratefully received. I suspect this may be a little 'girly' for most of the members here to actually like! :-) Memories To Keep. It was just that night we shared, Upon a hill, Beneath a tree And to match the tangled shadows overhead Our bodies entwined in tumbling ecstasy. Sprayed with starlight, Drenched in dewdrops, A famished celebration of selves too long denied. A passionate feast 'til dawn could conquer night, Encircled in your arms I thought I'd died So sad, to sense the parting that must be, From heaven found one night, Upon a hill, Beneath a tree. I would particularly appreciate some help reworking the line which begins "And" as it seems wrong to me, and I can't seem to find a better line than passionate feast but I'm not too happy with it. It seems clumsy. Any ideas?

Well, there's no shortage of "girl" in me. I watch many more chick-flicks than the average guy. (BTW, may I suggest "Spitfire Grill"?) Having satisfied the first requirement, I must confess to falling short of the second one--knowing something about poetry. All I know about poetry I learned from: Roses are red, violets are blue. (sigh) It does sound nice, though, and I think you have keyed on a lot of the visuals of that night. Sometimes, the right string of adjectives or phrases don't flow when one needs them to. Like writing a program, when a bug hits and you have spent longer than it should to fix it, put it away and look the next day or day after. As to your request, I like what you have said in the sentence you reference. I had to read it twice to understand the couple was entwined just as the (assuming) moonlight, the tree branches, and the shadows above were. I don't know about tempo, so forget that. Although I hesitate, I would say I'm not sure I like the word conquer as used. It seems to give me the wrong feeling for what is supposed to be a beautiful event. So I wondered if there was a better way to say it. "A passionate feast 'til dawn swept away night," "A passionate feast 'til dawn pushed away night," "A passionate feast 'til dawn chased away night," I think this could possibly be better, but I'm not sure how important that word choice is to you. Hey, at least the tempo sounds the same...grin.

When it comes to poetry, I'm linguistically color blind and tone deaf. I definitely liked the starlight and dewdrops lines, as well as the next few lines. The somewhat symmetrical start and end is also a nice touch. Here's the best I can come up with for suggestions:

It was just that night we shared,
Upon a hill,
Beneath a tree**.**
To match the tangled shadows overhead
Our bodies entwined in tumbling ecstasy.
Sprayed with starlight,
Drenched in dewdrops,
A famished celebration of selves too long denied.
A passionate feast 'til dawn did take the night,
Encircled in your arms I thought I'd died

So sad, to sense the parting that must be,
From heaven found one night,
Upon a hill,
Beneath a tree.

Sorry I can't help more.

Ahhh, "...did take the..." is better yet. IMHO.

I like the rhythym and word imagery.

hmm, what about "till dawn did steal the night"? shows that the dawn is a less friendly/caring entity. Takes seems rather abrupt, unless of course you want abrupt? The cadence of the poem is flowing, softly wondrous and yet bittersweet. When I read it aloud and put an emphasis on each phrase I can add a vocal sadness/accusatory intonation with "did steal" that is harder to do with the abruptnes of "did take". But, I'm not a writer of anykind or any stretch :) Just couldn't resist an opportunity to comment on such a lovely poem in the birthing.