And I guess it's time for the classic...

How To Give A Cat A Pill

If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know

how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding
front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head
just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot.
throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage.
Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed}
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint
of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly
while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order
a new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.

now I know why I don;t like cats. Thanks for firming up my opinion :)

hehe.  Love all of these. 

what kind of bee's give milk?

boo-bee's! :tt2:

Mommy mommy can I lick the bowl ??
No, dear, you must flush it like everyone else does ....

Q : Why does a fart smell ?
A : to cater for the deaf...

Have to share this!  Have your sound turned up!  LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Ralph.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shittin' the bed!"

Allegedly a true entry on a dating site:

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:

• Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
  -What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
  -Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
• Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
• Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
• How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
  Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

**it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

THE ANSWER

PostingID: 432279810
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a business guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the ____ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago".

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

You're a photographer walking around town with your camera, trying to find a good photo you can sell.

Suddenly you hear screaming and notice Hillary Clinton in the water, drowning.  You have a choice.  Do you save Hillary, or take what will surely be a pullitzer winning photo?

So the question is, color or black and white film?

The Doctors

A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we took the kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

geez, you resurrected this thread for that one ?  ;)

Quote - geez, you resurrected this thread for that one ?  ;)

**Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman 
Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." **
**The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. 
We've got dogs with us." **
**The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." 
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put 
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. 
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." 
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. 
This is my seeing-eye dog." 
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" 
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." 
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." **
**The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a 
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. **
**Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." 
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." **
**The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" 
The woman with the Chihuahua said,  **

 

 

** "A Chihuahua? They gave me a  Chihuahua?!"**

Quote - ** "A Chihuahua? They gave me a  Chihuahua?!"**

Now THAT was worth resurrecting the thread for!

"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno

"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno
 

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister  asked, "How many of you have forgiven your  enemies?"

Eighty percent held up their  hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.. All  responded this time, except one small elderly  lady.

"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive  your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied,  smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. The  congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh,  Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell  us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have  an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a  lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and  said,  

 "I  outlived the bitches."  

Cinderella

CINDERELLA was now 95 years old.  After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?  The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension..'  Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'.

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'  At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young Body returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'  Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'  With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.  Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.  Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you had me neutered'

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 

'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "Hello ... you are on the other side."

Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee.

While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven.

When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen.

Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!"

My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

This is for all the mods and TOS police around here .... and some others that don't do it.

PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

1. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

1. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

1. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by

pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Dave-So I hope some of the people that complain in the forum about various products don't see this. I'd hate to be a moderator and have to wipe up after them if they do. :laugh:

 True Story:

I lady had a cat.  It was an indoor female cat that had never gone out of the house.  One day the lady notices that the cat was getting rather big around the belly, so much that it seemed it was pregnant.  To be sure she called a vet who came to examine the cat and he confirmed that it was in fact  pregnant.    "But that can't be" the lady said, "he's never gone out and he's never had company".   "Are you absolutely sure?" the vet replied, "Maybe he sneaked out when you weren't looking."   But the lady was quite sure that her cat had not had any relations with other cats.   While the vet rubbed his chin in amazement another cat strolled by him.  "Wait a minute!" the vet yelled, "Who's that?!"   "Who that?," the lady said calmly, "That's just her brother".  :)

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in."

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard jigsaw puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

A young guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want a pitcher with a shot of every bottle of anything you have.  If there's any space left in there, fill it up with bourbon".

The bartender starts pouring the drinks and says to the guy, "Man, this is gonna be one expensive drink.  You celebrating something?"

"Kinda", the young guy says, "my first blow job".

"Whoa", says the bartender, "I'da thought you'd have champangne."

"Well", replies the young guy, "I may do if I can get rid of the taste". 

I can't believe it. I went to a Vuvuzela concert last night and a soccer match broke out! :cursing:

Di Tri Berrese
(Disse Librette ise for dose hua laiche to follo di spiecher uail ise spicce)

Uance appone taim uase tri berrese. Mamma berre, pappa berre enna beibe berre.  Live inna contri nire foresta. Naise ause. No mogheggia. Uane dei, pappa, mamma e beibi olle go bice. Onele a forghette locche de dorre.

Bai enne bai comese Goldilocchese. Sci garra nattinge to du bedder maiche troble. Sci puscie olle fudda daon di maute; no live cromme. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in alle beddese!  Leise slobbe!

Bai enne bai commes omme di tri berrese, olle sanneborne uite send inne scius. Dei garra no fudde, no beddese. En uara dei goine du to Goldilocchese?  Tro erra aute inne strit?  Colle pulissemenne?  Fatte cienze!

Dei uas Italien berrese enne dei slippe onna florrse.

Goldilocchese stei derre tri uicchese. Itte dem aute ausen omme.  En giust bicose dei esche erre uanse to maicha di beddese, sci sai, “Go to elle!” Den sci ronne omme craine to erra mamma, tellenerre uat sanimbiceses di tri berres uere.

Uatsiuse!  Uara iu goine du?  Go complaine sittiolle?

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes
and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over
and says "Hey,you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we
pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of
bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them
fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way
to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell
us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my
sign. I don't wanna lose it.

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my
truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't
resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to
the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back
to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then says, Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing
his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't
you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and
I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help
and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went
through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was
clear of needing a sign...until he asked, So..is your truck stuck?" I
couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and
then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your
sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and
said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago.
Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? 

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign
is.

I remember that when my Grandad was getting near his last days he asked my Gran to spread lard on his back.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

 ROFL replicant.. Took a moment to sink in but then.. LOL!

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,
........... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo?
It's been a year, I told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

lol Acadia - I LOVE this one.  Might even use it one day myself.  Hold'em to their word I say :)

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a  North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. 
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. 
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. 
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. 
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. 
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. 
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. 

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl asked.

'Yes, it's because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a shapely 36C bust.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'

'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the world are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.