This is the most surreal joke ever told to me, and the first time I heard it I was laughing so hard I cried...

A man runs into a Pharmacy.

"Quick!" he calls out to the assistant. "I need a red toothbrush!"

Sadly the assistant shakes her head from side to side. "I'm sorry, sir, we only have blue."

"It's okay," replies the man. "I'm on a bike anyway!"

This is half truth, half joke.

The true part:

The last American survivor of the sinking of the Titanic died Saturday.

The joke part:

They were only minutes from fishing her out of the water!

John

A cardiologist dies and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

A woman is home alone and the doorbell rings. She

opens it to a guy who says, "Hi, I'm Chris, is Tony

home?" The wife replies, "No, I'm his wife Sara, he

went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the

friend says "You know Sara, you have some of the

greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a

1,000 bucks just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what

the hell - a 1,000 bucks! She opens her robe and shows

one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her

and throws a 1,000 bucks on the table. They sit there

a while longer and the guy then says "That was so

amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you

another 1,000 dollars if I could just see the both of

them together."

Sara amazed by the offer thinks a bit about it and

decides, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and

gives Chris a nice long chance to get a look. Chris

again puts the money down on the table. After waiting

a while longer Chris gets up to leave telling Sara to

tell her husband he said hi.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store.

The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris

came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Great,

did he drop off the 2,000 bucks he owes me?"

I quoted this from a Bradford area newspaper today: "A Government inspector was left glued to a seat while monitoring a lesson at a failing secondary school criticised by a watchdog for the behaviour of some of its pupils."

What a great thread!  Okay, I'll play:

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard

To get her poor dog a bone!

When she bent over, Rover drove her!

He had a bone of his own!

Courtesy of a long dead friend who had what must have been one of the world's greatest

collection of limerick and other bawdy poems!

Well there are very few limericks that can be told and still be within the TOS, but here's one

There was a young lady named Bright
whos speed was much faster than light
she departed one day in a relative way
and returned on the previous night

If Computer people set up elephant hunts (this is about 15 years old, so it's a bit spotty)

Software salesmen would promise 3 elephants a week prior to season opening

Programmers would start in Capetown, and go right to left going north looking for anything large and gray

Experienced programmers would put an Elephant in Cairo to end the search

Assembler programmers would do the same, only on their hands and knees.

there's about 16 more, but I don't remember those..;)

There once was a knight named Lancelot
of whom ladies looked askance a lot
whenever he passed
a presentable lass
the front of his pants would advance a lot

How do you know you have a drummer at the door?
The knocking speeds up
they don't know when to come in

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
homeless

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
none, they got machines that do that now

How many Virginians does it take to change a light bulb?
3;  1 to change the bulb, and 2 to complain about how much better the old one was

How many New Yorkers?
50..50? yeah, it's in the Contract, 50

How Many New Jerseyans?
3- 1 to change the bulb, 2 to shoot the witnesses

How many psychologists?
1, but the bulb has to want to change

Feminists (boy am I dating myself on this one..;)
That's not funny!

Apple engineers
1, he (she) stands in place, and the world revolves around them

fundamentalists (go for broke)
3; 1 to change the bulb, and 2 to testify it was lit from the moment he began screwing..;)

ok..that's enough..

Hope this one does not cross the dreaded TOS borders:

Subject: A lesson in paying attention

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck the finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them.

The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay "attention."

LOL, these are great!  Thanks for sharing them. 

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.  If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1.  High fever
2.  Congestion
3.  Nausea
4.  Fatigue
5.  Aching in the joints
6.  An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

Quote - LOL, these are great!  Thanks for sharing them. 

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.  If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1.  High fever
2.  Congestion
3.  Nausea
4.  Fatigue
5.  Aching in the joints
6.  An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

When you sneeze, it sounds like "Atishoosaprettyboythen!"

svdl, that was awesome! Larry F, That Mother Hubberd is not quite correct. I can IM you if you want the actual fully correct version. It's one of a whole series of nursury rhymes by Andrew "Diceman" Clay. I have a special of his on VHS and watched it again recently. Completely crude but funny as heck!

ITALIAN BOY CONFESSIONS

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads...

This is one I heard on the radio years ago, from the late great Kenneth Williams -

There was an old man of Madrid
Who went to an auction to bid
The first thing they showed
Was an ancient commode
What-ho! when they took off the lid

Newlywed bride to husband: 'Darling, I've no idea what I should wear tonight.'
Newlywed husband to bride: 'Sweatheart, you're putting me on!'

Hey Bobasaur,

Sure thing, fire away! 

It's one thing I can remember a good friend rattling off.  He had a thousand (I'm sure more, LOL!).  For some reason that has always stuck in my mind!  But now that you mention it, it does have a very "Diceman" flavor to it!

And thanks!

Larry F

You know, laughter can keep you healthy they say, but sadly my good friend Raye died right after his 50th birthday!  Probably keeping them in stitches somewhere I guess - and hope!  One time we got stopped for speeding and while the cop was running our names he was rattling off one liners, had the guy in stitches, even though he still gave him a ticket!

Quote - One time we got stopped for speeding and while the cop was running our names he was rattling off one liners, had the guy in stitches, even though he still gave him a ticket!

LMAO, that reminds me of something from years and years ago.  I was on a city bus on my way home from a friend's house late in the evening.  The bus destination name was titled "Portage - Sturgeon Rd", meaning it went down Portage Ave as far as Sturgeon Rd and returned.

The bus driver was a riot.  He not only announced each bus stop as he approached it, which was strange enough because that is not policy here.  But was also telling fish jokes to the passengers over his intercom!  LMAO

**** gotta go, really wicked storm just came up and lightning struck nearby ****

Mechanics 101.

Teacher: "Janet, can you tell me the difference between a screw, a nail and a bolt?"

Janet: "----"

Teacher: "Well?"

Janet: "Uhm, I've never been bolted?"

There was a pirate named Yates
who danced  on roller skates
til he fell on his cutlass
and now he is nutless
and entirely useless on dates.

More from the limerick front (all oldies, but I like 'em)

There was a young man in Boston
Who bought himself a new Austin
There was room for his arse
And a gallon of gas
But the rest hung out - and he lost 'em

There was a young lady called Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair
At least that's what I thought
Until I saw one get caught
On a thorn and begin losing air

There was a young man in Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the top of his rubber was torn

Got this in email and thought I'd share it here:

Little Old Lady in court.....

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front  porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: ! No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

ROFL! Acadia! Love that one!

Two terrorist managed to sneak into the U.S.
They were having lunch at a local fast food joint.
The first terrorist starting talking in his native tongue.
The second terrorist stopped him. "Remember, we
are in America now. You must not raise any suspicion.
Speak Spanish."

My favorite blonde joke:

A blind guy is so drunk he gets lost and wanders into an unfamiliar bar. The unfamiliar music is Melissa Etheridge. He sits down, orders a beer, takes a drink, and bellows, "Hey! I'm gonna tell the world's greatest blonde joke!"

A Lauren Bacall voice next to him says, "Sir, before you do that I want you to know that Cherry, the bouncer, is blonde and so's Wanda, the bartender. And she keeps a baseball bat behind the counter. Elaine over in the booth by the door is blonde, and she drives truck. Vivianne is a professional wrestler, and she's blonde. And I'm blonde. I'm a roller derby champ. You sure you want to tell that blonde joke?"

"Hell no, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

Attached Link: Numa Numa

OMG!  They mentioned this on the local news and I had to look it up.  LMAO

I laughed till I piddled... literally,   LOL

NOTE:  You need sound turned on

"Dragostea Din Tei" was quite popular in Europe last summer (or was it two years ago ?). I hated that song, it was aired everywhere over and over... But because of all the silly parodies like this one, the song finally stole my heart blush

BTW, original video is silly too. Very silly.

I have no idea what the song is about, but the guy in the video cracks me up, especially when he really starts going at it with his arms in the air and stuff, LMAO

That has to be the funniest thing I've seen in a very long time.  I have painful ribs and it hurts to laugh but even though it hurt like a bugger, I couldn't stop myself  LOL

Gary Brolsma is the guy in the video. He recorded this on his webcam just as a joke for some friends. They shared it and it became an internet phenomena. He got interviewed on various TV shows and certainly got his 15 minutes of fame. There are quite a few knock-offs of this including one that's a video shot from the back of the room while a whole school class faces a screen in front of the class doing the motions along with him (he's projected on the front screen).

Teacher is in front of a class and asks each student what jobs their fathers' have.

Susan says her father is a mechanic.

William says her father is a salesman.

Jonathan says "My father is dead."

The teacher, startled because she didn't know this, asks "What did he do before he died?"

Jonathan looks at her and replies, clutching his throat, "He went gaaaackkkkarrrghhh."

Click the picture for a funny poser5 Animation (2.5 Mb)

With regard to the Limericks, two of my favourites are pastiches:

There was a young girl from Dundee
Got stung on the neck by a wasp.
When asked "Did it hurt?"
She said "No, not a bit.
It can do it again if it likes"

2nd (and my favourite):

There was a young man from Dunoon
Who used to eat soup with a fork.
He said "When I eat
Either fish, fowl or fruit
I always get through it too quick"

And, as an after-dinner offering...(nothing to do with Limericks)

There was a Professor of Logic at a University. He had prepared for his afternoon lecture by writing a rather complicated logical proof on the blackboard.

When the students were assembled, the Professor strode in and started: "Well, I'm sure that you can all see from the formula behind me that it is perfectly obvious that.... errmm...ummm..."
Whereupon he stopped, looked at the board, started mumbling to himself and looking at the ceiling, back to the formula, back to the ceiling...
.
Then he turned to the class and said, "Excuse me a moment, I have to check something." and left the lecture hall.

20 minutes, later, he returned, beaming in delight.
He addressed the class and said "I was right! It IS perfectly obvious that....."

Cheers,
Diolma

I eat my peas with honey

I've done it all my life

It makes the peas taste funny

but it keeps them on my knife..;)

19th Centure doggerel..;)

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. 

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. 

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. 

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
'Cause when you rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!

**There once was a couple named Kelly
who walked around belly to belly
because in their haste they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly
**

There was a "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor: The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor: Says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" "Hummm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework. " WOW! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And up they go.

Fourth Floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further up!" So up to the fifth floor they go.

Fifth floor: The sign on the door read, "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit the building and have a nice day!
   

Middle of the night, a couple are snuggled up on the sofa having a few beers and watching TV.
The doorbell goes and the girl says 'it's late wonder how that it is'. Guy answers opens the door and finds a 6ft beetle standing there holding a baseball bat. 

The guy looks suprised but asks the beetle whats up. beetle smiles and proceeds to kick the **** out of the guy with the bat.

It only stops when the girl appears, it walks forward, helps itself to a can of beer, drinks it with a large belch, and snogs the girl. The bettle then kicks the guy in the ***s and walks off into the night singing a spice-girls song.  

After a few minutes the paramedics and cops arrive, put the guy in the amubulance and drive off. The girl turns to the cop who says 'don't worry love, he'll be fine in the morning, it's just a bad bug going around'.          

I'll try to make this one short:

Four elderly gentleman are playing a round of golf.

One guy hits his ball way off into the woods and he goes to retrieve it.

In his absence,the three other older gents take this opportunity to brag about how successful they're sons have become

One says "My son owns a successful Card Dealership,he's made enough money that just last week, he bought a friend of his a car".

"That's nothing " says the next old guy. "My son owns a Boat dealership, and has made so much money,that just last week,he bought a friend of his a boat".

The third gent, not to be outdone says "I've got you both beat, My son is a real-estate tycoon,and has made enough money, that just last week, he bought a friend of his a House".

About that time, the guy who ran off to get his ball, comes back and the others quickly shut up and change the subject.

He picks up on the snobbery, and says "Oh....I see...You guys are bragging about how successful your sons are again, and don't want to include me because you know my son is gay... Well let me just tell you something...My son is doing pretty damn good himself. In fact, just last week, one of his lovers bought him a car, another bought him a boat, and another one bought him a house".

8 )

Calliing in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always have the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occured mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come and reset it." "You know where the reset button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Hope this doesn't offend anybody, but I thought it was funny. 

A thief was trying to open a window when he heard a voice say "God is watching you."  He looked around and didn't see where the voice was coming from.   So he went back to work. 

A few minutes later he had the window unlocked and slid it open a few inches.  Again, he heard "God is watching you."  He looked around and didn't see anybody, so he continued to slide the window open. 

When he finally got the window open wide enough, he started crawling through.  When he was halfway in the window he heard "God is watching you."  He looked around inside the house.  There he finally saw a big cage with a parrot in it. 

The theif asked the parrot  "Was that you saying that?" 

Parrot said "Yep!"

The theif said  "And I suppose your name is God?"

Parrot said "Nope! My name is Jesus."

The theif asked "What kind of people name their parrot Jesus?"

The parrot answered "The same kind of people that name their rottweiler God."

Acadia, that story is masterful!

It's hard to believe, but something like that actually happened to me a couple of years ago. Luckily the goods were somewhat protected and I didn't hit my head...

I was taking a shower when the phone rang, so I put on a bathrobe and picked it up. It was my sister.
I sat down in my comfy chair and my cat jumped on my lap. Intrigued by an unfamiliar lump the bastard decided to bite down on it. When my sister found out why I was yelling she fell off her chair laughing. Literally.

I still wonder if my cat was trying to get even for being neutered....

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat. Reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly, into tub, if possible, Do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog, plotting his revenge.

Two gorgeous blondes that were friends in college chance to meet years later in Miami Beach.

“I can’t believe we ran into each other.  What brings you down here?”

“I’m kind of recovering from a real tragedy.  Our house caught fire — and burned to the ground — and — and — my dear husband didn’t make it out in time.  I’m using some of his million dollar life insurance policy to kind of get my mind off everything.”

“That’s so terrible — and such a coincidence, too.  I’m down here for almost the same reason.  A tornado came through our town and my husband was killed.  I’m spending a little of the five million dollars from the insurance company to try to get over the loss.”

“Five million? Five million dollars!  Tell me — how do you start a tornado?”

A gorgeous blond wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.  After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! ”

Startled, the blond moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! ”

The blond, now quite alarmed, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! ”

She stopped, looked skyward, and timidly asked, “Is that you, Lord? ”

The voice replied, “No, I’m Jeff, the Ice Rink Manager! ”

Two gorgeous blondes were driving through Louisiana.  As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.  They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter of the fast food restaurant, one blond asked the manager, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you please pronounce where we are — very slowly?”

The manager looked both of them over carefully, checked out their hair, shrugged, leaned over the counter, and said, “Burrrrrrrr - gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.”

The gorgeous blonde’s newlywed military husband receives orders to a tiny remote south Pacific island for a six month tour of duty and she has to stay in the states.  In his first letter back home he says,

“I thought this would be an easy assignment, but it is turning into murder!  All of the local girls are absolutely gorgeous — and — they all walk around on the beaches topless!  It’s really hard to resist their charms.  But — I’ve always wanted to learn to play the harmonica — so mail me one and I’ll practice with it so I can keep my mind off these fabulous girls.”

Needless to say, the blond quickly sends him a harmonica!

At the end of his tour, she meets him at the plane and he rushes into her arms.

“I’ve waited so long for this moment to be back in your arms again!  And I can’t wait to get you alone!”

“Hold it right there, Buster!  First I want to hear how well you can play that harmonica!!”