:lol:

An american arrived early in Tokyo for a meeting with an important client.  Having a night free, he hired a Geisha.  After much saki, they retired to his bed where he made full, albeit drunken, use of her services.  During this bout, the Geisha exclaimed again and again "ichi-ka", "ichi-ka", which the man (who spoke no Japanese) assumed must mean "wonderful" or "fantastic" in honor of his great performance.

The next day his customer invited this man to meet him at a golf club.  As luck would have it, the customer scored a hole in one on the par three second hole.

Realizing that he must congratulate his host, and feeling that it would have more impact in his native language, the American (remembering the screams of his consort from the evening before), clapped his host on the back and exclaimed "Ichi-ka!' in a loud voice.

The customer's face went from a beaming smile of joy to the most crestfallen look of dismay as he said "what you mean ... wrong hole"?

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid"

That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." ...

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truckin our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A coupleof months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was drivingaround and those other three just swelled right up on me.
Here's your sign."

We were trying to sellour car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See?
If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drivean 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he says "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge ...Here's your sign!"

You will appreciate the following story if you are Italian:

Uans appona taim uas tri berrese; mamma berre, pappa berre, e beibi berre. Live inna contri nire foresta. Naise aus, no mugheggia. Uanna dei pappa, mamma, e beibi go bice, orie e furghetta locche di dorra.

Bai enne bai commese Goldilocchese. Sci garra nattingha tu du batte meiche troble. Sci puscia olle fudde daon di maute; no live cromme. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in olle beddse. Bai enne bai commese omme di tri berrese, olle sannebronne enne send inne scius. Dei garra no fudde; dei garra no beddse. En uara dei goine du tu Goldilocchese? Tro erre aute inne strit? Colle pulissemenn?

Deis uas Italien berrese, enne dei slippe onne florre. Goldilocchese stei derre tri deise: dei esch erre tu meiche di beddse, sci runne omme craine tu erre mamma. Uatssiuse? Uara iu goine du? Go compleine sittiole?

Just lower the air pressure in the tires until the truck becomes unstuck. ...Here's your sign!

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

:lol:

Sorry Mathman, but I think I wanna barf!!!

dph

ROFLMAO!

The DPH comments are just as funny as the jokes!

Quote - You will appreciate the following story if you are Italian:

Uans appona taim uas tri berrese; mamma berre, pappa berre, e beibi berre. Live inna contri nire foresta. Naise aus, no mugheggia. Uanna dei pappa, mamma, e beibi go bice, orie e furghetta locche di dorra.

Bai enne bai commese Goldilocchese. Sci garra nattingha tu du batte meiche troble. Sci puscia olle fudde daon di maute; no live cromme. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in olle beddse. Bai enne bai commese omme di tri berrese, olle sannebronne enne send inne scius. Dei garra no fudde; dei garra no beddse. En uara dei goine du tu Goldilocchese? Tro erre aute inne strit? Colle pulissemenn?

Deis uas Italien berrese, enne dei slippe onne florre. Goldilocchese stei derre tri deise: dei esch erre tu meiche di beddse, sci runne omme craine tu erre mamma. Uatssiuse? Uara iu goine du? Go compleine sittiole?

How about some Latin:

Mathman ad sum jam forte

Baggins ad erat

Mathman sic in omnibus

Baggins sic in at. 

A women visits her doctor and asks : Doctor, I have such small breasts, can you help me?

The doctor examens  her and says: Take a piece of  toiletpaper and rub that between your breasts at least twice a day.

The women is bazzled and answers: How on earth could that work?

The doctor replies: Well, it worked on your ass, didn't it!

The french spinster had finally succeeded in getting a dashing young fighter pilot drunk enough to join her in her boudoir.  They both undressed quickly, and he knelt over her prone form, but she shook her head and pressed his head down toward her belly.

Understanding her request, he asked if she had some cognac and a match.  The spinster realized that he wanted a drink and smoke before consummating the act, and so she motioned toward the bureau where a bottle of cognac, glasses and a pack of cigarettes lay.

The pilot filled a glass and approached the spinster, who shivered in anticipation.  As he stood over her, she was astonished when he tossed the liquor onto her nether region, struck a match, and ignited the flammable liquid.

As she stared at him in horror, he exclaimed "When Jacques goes down, he goes down in flames!"

Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday..... He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow.'

Sorry to brust a few peoples bubbles... Gawd I hate it when a joke reflects back on me! :blink:

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:-

1. When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
2. You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
3. Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
4. Your computer is your ONLY friend.
5. You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
6. You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
7. You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
8. Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
9. After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.
10. YOU READ CRAP LIKE THIS!

Quote - You will appreciate the following story if you are Italian:

Uans appona taim uas tri berrese; mamma berre, pappa berre, e beibi berre. Live inna contri nire foresta. Naise aus, no mugheggia. Uanna dei pappa, mamma, e beibi go bice, orie e furghetta locche di dorra.

Bai enne bai commese Goldilocchese. Sci garra nattingha tu du batte meiche troble. Sci puscia olle fudde daon di maute; no live cromme. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in olle beddse. Bai enne bai commese omme di tri berrese, olle sannebronne enne send inne scius. Dei garra no fudde; dei garra no beddse. En uara dei goine du tu Goldilocchese? Tro erre aute inne strit? Colle pulissemenn?

Deis uas Italien berrese, enne dei slippe onne florre. Goldilocchese stei derre tri deise: dei esch erre tu meiche di beddse, sci runne omme craine tu erre mamma. Uatssiuse? Uara iu goine du? Go compleine sittiole?

I had to read it over a couple times.... Italian Goldilocks and the 3 bears... hehehe

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.**
** **
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more that a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
** **
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
** **
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
** **
The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'if either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'**

After every flight, commercial airline pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that some ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor; here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas has the best safety record of any commercial airline.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Quote - **

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'if either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'**

ROFLMA or as my joke above says,  I just screamed out LOL

Two old people meet up at a retirement home and, realising that time isn't on their side any more they skip all the niceties of dating and decide to go straight for some mattress action.

They go up to her room and, while getting undressed she says to the guy, "I hope you'll be gentle because I have acute angina".

He says, "I damn well hope so because your tits aren't much good". 

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTF: Where’s The Funeral
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In

Life explained:

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
 
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service.  If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

Why do men like to keep a pet dog around?

So they can have someone to blame the farts on.

Quote - The book "Understanding Women"
has finally arrived in book stores:

"...Understanding Women"

I see you have the condensed version. 

A woman comes home and tells her husband "my doctor says I can't have sex with you for two weeks."

The man looks at her and asks "What did your dentist say? Just because the roller coaster is broken doesn't mean you shut down the whole theme park."

Log ride's still open right?

8 )

If sugar makes you hyper and caffeine makes you nervous, why do we let cops hang out at donut shops?

My mother has never seen the irony of calling me a son of a b*tch...

I used up all my sick days, so I just called in dead.

A pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper?"

The pirate looks at him and replies: "Aye matey, it's drivin' me nuts."

Good one. I guess I am a typical male. never saw the dog until I read the caption... hehehe...

SamTherapy, that is so funny. Extra funny for me as a dog lover.