So here it is. Feel free to tell me if it sucks. ;) ------------------ Aegis Alpha One, Memory playback of Sacred Grounds invasion, 4020: The alarms rang out through the three building expanse of the Sacred Grounds, and defenses were on high alert. Invaders had broken through the defense lines, slaughtering Quillan armies in their path, and were now on a collision course for the last standing Quillan stronghold. Deep inside the complex, the biomech systems took control, as Quillan survivors hid inside. The systems engaged the Aegis biomech Defenders - Bio-Mechanical soldiers, hundreds of them, programmed to defend the Sacred Grounds at all costs. The first strike of invading forces shook the buildings, and they got their initial look at the alien forces. Reptilian-like creatures packing heavy weapons, and huge, eight legged walking machines, tromping through the rising dust and snow on the ground. The winds picked up, and the snowfall began to increase as the Aegis defense doors began to slide open. First out were the ground defenders, headed up by Alpha One. These bio-mechs were brutes, and rushed out of the building in one group to engage the enemy. Silver armor gleamed in the sunlight that streamed through the clouds, and the hum of blades rose on the air. The enemy had the first strike, but their first line of offense was struck back by the ground forces, vibro-blades cutting through alien armor and flesh, green liquid spattering to the white covered ground. The enemy's walking machines turned slowly, but their lack of speed was made up by sheer power, as energy weapons fired, cutting a swath though the Aegis defense. Black liquid joined green, as bio-mech soldiers were cut down left and right, decimating half of the first wave. Reinforcements were on the way, as the Aegis airforce rushed forth from the buildings they were meant to defend. Fighter ships it seemed at first, but once they got closer, the truth was revealed. Slimmer versions of the ground defense, with swept wings and thrusters upon their backs. A formation of five soared down, strafing the walking tanks with rapid fire energy cannons held in deft hands, piercing the armor of the massive machines, and sending several to the ground where they exploded and fell still. While the bio-mech defenders were well adapted to fighting of this magnitude, they were not prepared for an invasion force so determined to win at all costs. The Aegis airforce quickly tried to rethink their strategy, as heavy fire rained down through the clouds. Low altitude battleships, which began to emerge from above, coated the battlefield with weaponsfire, and more than several of the airborne mechs were sent spiraling to their destruction upon the cold of the ground below. Interruption of feed.... recalibrating. Visual receptors damaged.. damage analysis - Severe. Alpha One signaled a retreat back to the buildings they were trying in vain to defend, and airborne defenders circled overhead, giving as much cover to the ground forces as they possibly could. Again, fire from the battleships cut through, bringing down the majority of the airforce, as ground defense ducked and dodged to get back to the buildings. The last stand, and the remaining three Aegis units turned when they finally reached the bay doors of the buildings. Blades out, and their own energy cannons at the ready, the final three stood waiting. Over the small rise of a hill, the enemy forces began to march, battleships in the backdrop and firing on the buildings. Once they were in range, the last three Aegis units began to fire, standing side by side. But as the enemy continued to advance, they looked at each other once. Nodding in some silent aquiescence, they stood their ground defiantly. No one would get through until the last one of them was down. A signal from one of the alien commanders, and a bright light streamed towards the three, blasting through them. Shattered and broken, one watched with fading visuals, and the remaining weaponsfire rained over them. Audio died, and then there was only darkness. Ending Memory Playback....

Two images...the swarming of the sacred ground and the last three holdouts. You bridged the two with an AI source. I think it's best in this forum to concentrate on one visual at a time. There are those of us who are having more trouble reading large blocks of text everyday. The old glasses don't seem to be enough anymore. Now if someone could do justice to the last three standing with their blades ready. Gear them up in flack jackets and mega-weaponry (Is Crasher listening?) I think you'ld have a winner on the second part. On the first part. There's too much going on to have one graphic work. Other than that the story's busy...It does not suck. The focus just needs to be narrowed just a tad.

It reads like a battle scene from a Star Wars movie and as such is a nice start. However, there is no protagonist, indeed no sympathetic character at all, just robots and alien invaders. In my opinion it would benefit if you had a character involved that could show some reaction to what is going on. Perhaps some off world commander who is getting this as dire news, so that he can have some human reaction to it? It reads like a narrative rather than as an audio/visual play back which I think makes the context somewhat murky. Does that make any sense? Also, one minor point, they are fighting in snow yet raising dust. Snowy locations usually are not dusty. Little inconstancies like that can nibble away on the sense of realism. It's not bad at all, I just think you need to develop it a bit more. For one thing, it is very short, even for a short story, so you would have trouble finding a market for it. But with a bit more development, it would flesh out into a nice short story indeed. Just my two cents, which is probably worth about a penny (or less). jon

Actually, this is all really helpful. Though, I'm not trying to find any markets for my writing. And as your comments can tell, I do tend to wander sometimes, so, I can accept that to some degree. I just have to have help to know when I'm doing it. Thanks guys! Spec

Hey Spec, An enjoyable read. I have to agree that this is way too short for even a short story, but it does make for an interesting start to a good book. The pacing is a bit disjointed, and only because I can't bring up the visual images as quickly as the action is unfolding. But, then again, that could be a reader issue (this one in particular) and not any oversight of the author. More please. :o) - M

I always wondered why machines would fight each other, they are ONLY machines?? I t would go a long way to understand why there was "sacred ground" worth fighting for right up front in the story.

jstro took the words out of my mouth. We need someone/something to care about. If we don't have a reason to take one side or the other, we tend not to care about the events that unfold. You don't need to personify the machines, necessarily, but if you tailor the descriptions so they match one perspective, you may be able to get the reader to imagine themselves in the scene. It's a good start, but we need to experience what is going on rather than have have someone explain it to us. I think your next draft will bring us in better. Cheers!

what if their were people in the story even future mutants something like people that have motives like us??? Sort of like a kid with a box or tranformer and Gundam toys having his fun at this point.