He He, for days I have been trying to write a decent poems but they always end up sucking lol, so of course a decent idea happens to come when I am writing an away message for AIM lol Away Message: A dark whisper clouds the mind, As a hidden thought creeps through the night, As the sun sets for the final time, The sound of the wind rises As I say my good-byes and my goodnights... Poem: The bell tolls 12 times as the sound reverberates through our bodies. We live the sound, and the time, one entity in ourselves, and in one another. On the fourth, ring my mind stirs, to awake from its slumber which is has lived in for so long. On the eighth is slowly awakens, to activate, to work, to stretch and to go, On the twelfth, it is thrown into a hellish nightmare, never to escape, never to let go, Where a dark whisper clouds the mind, and future generations dim, As a hidden thought creeps in through the night, intent on creating havoc, And as the sun sets for the final time, to rest forever in its dormant state. The sound of the wind rises and falls, and dies with the rest, As you tell me to say my good-byes and my final goodnights. I beg to differ, its only good bye if its not a good night. And its only goodbye if I begin to cry, and my tears grow and grow, till they are lost in the night, As I say a good-bye and wish you good night, when the bell rings again Ill be gone Um...now that I am finally being creative, how about another :-) A story perhaps. She awoke in an unfamiliar place. With strange ugly curtains, and itchy, uncomfortable clothing. The bed was not hers. The room smelled of cabbage, not of lilacs and roses, the aroma she was so familiar to. Her face was buried in the pillow made of some strange fabric that she was unaccustomed to. It was very rough and it was almost scratching her face. As she rolled over, she found that she was unable to feel her right leg, and that her left arm was bloodied. She tried to call out, but her mouth did not seem to work. Rolling over again slowly to avoid pain, she lay on her back to stare at the ceiling. TO her surprise, there was no ceiling to this strange foreign place. The roof was open allowing her to stare up at the night sky. She could see the moon, a glowing crescent in the sky, and only a few stars. Most of them dim and fading. She sat up on the bed and took a better look around the room. As her bare feet hit the cold cobbled stone floor, she jumped. The stones were like ice; they were so cold they were almost burning. She looked down at her flimsy black dress she was wearing. She did not recognize it, and it was much too large. She could see on the wall dozens of pictures. Most of them of war, men on horses, knights, kings and queens. Then on the farthest wall a picture hung by the window that shocker her. It was a picture of her, dated several thousand years before she was born Again, feed back GREATLY appreciated! Alex

Well, I've got to say, if that is your away message, it's a lot more charming than mine :-) Your poem confused me a bit, mostly it was the line about your mind waking up. It seemed a bit out of place. If you have been in the company of someone you don't want to leave surely you'd have been paying attention? I really liked the line about it only being good bye if it's not a good night :-) Your story is a bit short for my taste (that's a hint to post more!) but it seems like a good start. Shanna :-)

Lol, It was just a bit of it, I am trying to add more to it, thanks. Also about the "mind waking up" part, it wasn't about not paying attention. The mindset of the person in the poem is that they are so happy it doesn't seem that they are in "our" world, and when they have to say goodbye it is like being thrown back into horrible reality. So it's like you didn't have to think being around that person. Alex "should have elaborated, thank's for the feedback"

Yes, your story sounds like a good beginning for a novel. The reader has already had several questions raised to generate interest.

The story was my favorite. You certainly can create atmosphere! And I agree that it's a teaser. More! More! More! Lu

he he he of course, I only posted that bit to keep you all waiting evil laughter seriously, I'll get working on it on another night, I really hurt my writst today and I am writing with one hand :'-( Alex "more to come"

I'd suggest a few tweaks to the poem. The first two words seem to be a poem title more than the opener. Away Message: A dark whisper clouds the mind, As a hidden thought creeps through the night. The sun sets for the final time; The sound of the wind rises As I say my goodnights and my good-byes... The next poem is a bit confusing. The timing is off. Being very literal-minded, it bugged me. You start off the poem with 12 rings, then go back to rings 4, 8 and 12, which seem to occur quite quickly. After that, you pause for a time, then talk about leaving before the bell tolls again. Is it chiming 13 times? Are you leaving between midnight and one? It may seem trivial, but since the poem makes a big deal about the chimes of the bell, I paid a lot of attention to the timing and I got confused when the timing got confused. As for the story, it's off to a good start, but the descriptions don't flow that well together. A good part of the problem to me is the short, choppy sentences. Short sentences are best for action and emphasis. I think if you combined some of the sentences together, the story would flow better. Hope this helps, Cres the literal-minded ;-)

I like the away message. I generally feel out of my depth when critiquing poetry, I write poems primarily as song lyrics and so have different ideas about what works and what doesn't than most people. Therefore I will concentrate on your story. "She awoke in an unfamiliar place." This is a bit cliche. Also, perhaps, unnecessary considering the next lines. "With strange ugly curtains, and itchy, uncomfortable clothing. The bed was not hers. The room smelled of cabbage, not of lilacs and roses, the aroma she was so familiar to. Her face was buried in the pillow made of some strange fabric that she was unaccustomed to." Strange fabric that she was unaccustomed to is saying the same thing twice. Note the order of what you put down, you started with the curtains, and then the clothing and then the smell and then the pillow. This order does not seem to replicate the waking up process very well. For one thing, as the clothing and the pillow are closely related touch sensations they should probably happen together. Think about your main character. Is she really so visually oriented that she would notice the distant curtains first before the more intimate touch and smell sensations? If she is, that is a telling point about her personality, make a slightly bigger deal about it. Tell us what the "strange ugly" curtains actually look like. Otherwise, you probably want to relagate the curtains to last place. For a more touch oriented person she would wake up to the feel of strange scratchy pillow and rough poor fitting clothes. A smell oriented person would wake up to the smell of cabbage, wonder what had happened to her lilac air freshener, etc... Also, you are telling us her thoughts, rather than showing us her thoughts. This is a valid technique, and works well when the narrative voice is strong and interesting. But you aren't giving us a strong narrative voice, either. (Strong narrative voices are not currently in fashion in anything other than first person narratives.) As a result this passage is almost completely void of characterization and we are left with no concept of what this person is like. You might want to try a slightly more intimate viewpoint where you dip into her head, and we hear her thoughts as if they were conversation. When used well this technique provides a sense of character easily and elegantly. If you decide you don't want so intimate a pov, you need to really concentrate on characterization, because characterizing from the outside is more difficult. "Most of them of war, men on horses, knights, kings and queens. Then on the farthest wall a picture hung by the window that shocker her. It was a picture of her, dated several thousand years before she was born" IMHO, this "shocking" discovery needs to be brought out and explained a little more. What you have provided us with is a little too pat, and I don't believe in it. Slow it down, break it up into steps, and give us a little more description. Just telling us she is shocked is cold and unparticipatory, let us participate in the shock, by bringing us into the process. She scans the warriors and queens, and notices someone who resembles her. She looks closer, it is her, wearing [description of clothing that fits the period you are intending -- does it match what she has on?], then she notices the date... (where is this date anyway? On one of those little bronze plaques on the frame?). And, er, not to be a party pooper or anything, a "picture" is not likely to survive for "several thousand years", so you need to buffer that up with some suggestive hints to explain how such a thing happened. Other than the difficulty with the "several thousand years" bit, I really like your set up, you've presented us with some strong questions that we would like to see answered, and have certainly caught my interest. Although your visual detail is vague, you have a nice strong sense of touch detail, which seems to be a rarer gift, and as a kinestthetic reader myself, I particularly appreciated it. If you decide to go further with this, I would be interested in reading more. Hope this helps you.