Attached Link: http://www.renderosity.com/contest.ez?contest_id=321&ShowQuestion=9998

Now April's contest is over (I didn't want to ask while it was running incase it looked like I was trying to gain votes), I wondered if anyone could give me feedback on my entry? Especially what was bad about it and what could be improved, because I thought most of it was really good and expected to sweep the board on the challenge! (well....not quite, perhaps hoped!)

I think you write great descriptive sentences and I'm going to learn from them. I also found your interpretation of the picture to be creative. The style seems to fit more of a novel than an ultra short story. I would have liked it better if two of the big paragraphs were shorter and the story moved quicker without losing any of your good emotional buildup.

Just a suggestion...be careful how you structure a sentence. From your story: "I scrambled over to herstraight through the mouth...she's not breathing." I'm not surprised she wasn't breathing if you scrambled straight into her mouth. It's an unhappy visual.

Wow, someone learning from me - that's a great compliment thanks! (I'm new to writing stories) I see what you mean about making the paragraphs shorter, I did think about it when I was writing, but the idea at the beginning was that he was waiting. And Dialyn...the idea of that part of the story was it was the guy's thoughts at the time, he wasn't thinking straight. I think you've twisted my words a little (I think you'd be aware it was a gun's bullet that went through her mouth), it was meant to be an unhappy visual - but I do take your point and see what you mean! Obviously it's easier for me to see what I want to mean and perhaps it's hard to look past that sometimes so someone elses input is always useful. :o)