A man was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

 Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'.

ROTFL!

LOL good one.  I was thinking about a post like this.  ----don't have to now.  Here is mine.

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in the Sun Lake Arizona Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”

He replies, “I lived here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison”, he says.

“Why did they put you in prison?”

He looked at her, and very quietly said, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh!” said the woman. “So you’re single….?????!”

it's not easy for those horses to handle one of those iphone screens, either,  AFAIK.

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight
response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

Got another one:

For everyone that has or had a bad or hate my job day. Take heed, it could be worse.

Stop at your favorite pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times; “ I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.”

Have a nice day; and remember, there is always someone else with a job that is more of a pain in the butt than yours!

Hawkfyr you are evil. Cut and pasted to my dad

8 )~

ha ha ha these are good

I will have to come up with one now

**

13  Things PMS Stands For:**

**

1.  Pass My Shotgun 

2.  Psychotic Mood Shift 

3.  Perpetual Munching Spree** **

4.  Puffy Mid-Section 

5.  People Make me Sick 

6.  Provide Me Sweets 

7.  Pardon My Sobbing 

8.  Pimples May Surface 

9.  Pass My Sweatpants 

10.  Pissy Mood Syndrome 

11.  Plainly; Men Suck 

12.  Pack My Stuff** **

      ... and  my favorite : 

13..  Potential  Murder Suspect**

LOL, we are on a roll,  Jan

Roses are red, violets are blue

I have A.D.D.

Oh, cheese and crackers.

Q: Why are children like farts ?

A: Because, in both cases, you can only tolerate your own.

A few days ago I was having some work done on my car at the local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' 

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted

If you're not sure what a 710 is, see the next post

3 old men were sitting around complaining about getting old and the problems that come with it.

The first sighs and says "I remember the days when I didn't need a catheter to pee"

The second one says "yeah, I remember when I didn't need a nurse and an enema to take a crap too."

The third one leans forward and says "Every morning at 6AM, I take a nice long piss, followed at 6:10 with a healthy dump."

The others look at him incredulously. "And what are you complaining about?" They ask.

"Well," he says leaning back. "I don't wake up until 7..."

Attached Link: Lucy about Grandfather

Here's mine....

Click on the link.

Mike

Ps. I love the 710 joke, I may use that one! I can see that animated. LOL

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really.
You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

Somebody stole a pair of the wife's knickers off our washing line.  She's not bothered about the knickers but she'd like the 12 pegs back.

 Kate Middleton says to the Queen, "What's the secret to a successful marriage?" Queen replies "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off." 

 Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot. 

Oh well, here goes...

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

LoL @ cspear

Quote - A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight
response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem . A number of 12-year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom .
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints . Every
night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the
girls would put them back . Finally the principal decided that
something had to be done ..

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man . She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses)
..

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required .
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it .

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror .

There are teachers . . . . and then there are educators 

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says. "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you"...Her husbans asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"...She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

CHILI, TEXAS STYLE

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead.

Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!
Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili >wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting {censored}-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
*Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. *I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames.

After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain...

He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea."

He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out."

The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Khai-J-Bach  with a last name like Bach it adds to the great Beethoven joke :laugh:

I am sure my friends in the great state of Texas will love chillin with your chilli one also

thanks

Four Hollywood action heroes got together to play a game. They each had to pretend to be a famous composer.

Firstly, Bruce Willis said "Well .... I think I'll be Beethoven". Then, Steven Seagal pitches in and says "hmmm .... and I'll be Mozart".  Then it was Stallone's turn "OK, I think I will be Vivaldi".

They all turned around to Schwarzenegger, and waited for his response. After a pause, Arnie said....

Are you ready for this ?? ....

"I'LL BE BACH" .....

Quote - Four Hollywood action heroes got together to play a game. They each had to pretend to be a famous composer.

Firstly, Bruce Willis said "Well .... I think I'll be Beethoven". Then, Steven Seagal pitches in and says "hmmm .... and I'll be Mozart".  Then it was Stallone's turn "OK, I think I will be Vivaldi".

They all turned around to Schwarzenegger, and waited for his response. After a pause, Arnie said....

Are you ready for this ?? ....

"I'LL BE BACH" .....

groan

:lol:

I love that one!!!

In England unlike the United States people can take their dog almost any place.

In my home town you can ever take your dog to the movies.

My mother was attending a film a couple of days ago and told me this story.

She was surprise to see a man whose dog seemed to be as interested in the film, as the people in the audience.

The dog looked excited during the action scenes, and unhappy during the sad parts. And when the movie was funny he wagged his tail with enthusiasm.

When the movie got scary the dog put his paws over his eyes.

As they were leaving the theater my mother spoke to the dog’s owner and said.

I was surprised that your dog seems to enjoy the movie as much as the people did.

The man replied, Yes I was very surprised too.

He hated the book!!!

The son of a wealthy Chinese restaurant owner and his fiancee get married.

She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -juss anyting you want.  You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls....  Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....'You want.....garlic chicken wif snow peas?'

LOL...good one beos53

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. "(Think NVIATWAS without the sword)"

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

Quote - One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. "(Think NVIATWAS without the sword)"

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

Bwaaahahahahaaaaa!!!!! :lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

Warning this joke is sexist....but a good play on your mind...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please please see the next post

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!!!!

Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! :laugh:

Guy comes home to find his wife jumping up and down on the bed like a kid.

He asks why and she tells him "My doctor says I have the breasts of a 16 year old".

He replies, "What about your 60 year old asshole?"

She says "We didn't mention you at all". 

Saw it on a bumper sticker:

Deja Moo

I've heard your bullsh*t before...

Sorry, it' all I have

Quote - Saw it on a bumper sticker:

Deja Moo

I've heard your bullsh*t before...

 

Sorry, it' all I have

 :lol: 

3 old men were sitting around complaining about getting old and the problems that come with it.

The first sighs and says "I remember the days when I didn't need a catheter to pee"

The second one says "yeah, I remember when I didn't need a nurse and an enema to take a crap too."

The third one leans forward and says "Every morning at 6AM, I take a nice long piss, followed at 6:10 with a healthy dump."

The others look at him incredulously. "And what are you complaining about?" They ask.

"Well," he says leaning back. "I don't wake up until 7..."

the following was slipped into a University Website but since removed (BOOO!)

Google has is cached tho..

the latest member of staff ...

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?sclient=psy-ab&hl=ga&client=firefox-a&hs=6s8&rls=org.mozilla%3Aga-IE%3Aofficial&source=hp&q=cache%3Awww.tcd.ie%2FEnglish%2Fstaff%2Facademic-staff%2Fconan%2520the%2520barbarian.php&btnG=Cuardaigh

:lol:

From the late, great Dave Allen...

A man drives into a little irish town and is halted by the oddest funeral procession. It moves so slowly he parks up and gets out of his car.

A hearse drives by at slow walking pace, and behind it walks a large craggy granite faced man, with an enormous irish wolfhound at his side. Behind this giant of a man the procession stretches as far as the eye can see.

Intrigued the man falls in step beside the chief mourner.

'Who's funeral is it?'

'The wifes' comes the gruff reply.

'Oh I'm sorry, you must have loved her very much?'

'No I hated the old bat'

'But there are so many people here, someone must have loved her?'

'No the whole town, hated her - she was dispicable.'

'But, the dog, then the dog must have loved her?'

'The dog hated her, he killed her - tore her throat right out!'

'Ah, tell me, would you sell me the dog?'

The giant man jerked his thumb backwards.

'Just get to the end of the queue.'

prixat thats a keeper :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

thanks for sharing

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. 
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." 
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" 
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

A canadian lad decides that he must spend a year up north in the woods logging in order to save enough money to marry his sweetheart.  His fiance reluctantly agrees, making him promise to call her every Sunday.  The first call goes like this:

Rupert:  Well, it's pretty cold and hard work here, eh.

Fiance:  Are you staying warm and healthy, my love?

Rupert:  Well, actually, I had a little accident and one of my fingers was cut off in the saw.

Fiance:  That's terrible - the whole finger?

Rupert:  No, the one next to it.

Good one

8 )