Attached Link: http://tresamie.homestead.com/Anguish.html

This is another poem I have set with background and music. I am giving you the plain one here, for those who don't care for the setting, and the URL is on the file line. Would love any comments. ANGUISH My mind is nothing but confusion, And tears run down my face. My life seems like a bad illusion With little dignity or grace. I did not want to love at all For love has always brought me pain. I resolved to build a wall, But my resolve was all in vain. You took my wall down, stone by stone, And burrowed deep into my heart I'm not sure I can stand alone And yet, we are apart. Should I stay or should I go, And which will hurt the most? I can't be with you, that I know. Without you, I am lost.

I think it's a nice piece of work. I want to tweak it (as if...hehe) for some reason, but can't really think of any improvement. For example: I thought about changing line eight to say, "but my attempts were all in vain." Then, I read it again and liked the original (using the word "resolve" twice). Also, I "stumble" over, "And yet, we are apart." Again, not sure why. I guess I want to have more spelled out to me and not leave it to interpretation. "Should I stay or should I go" reminds me of a song I've heard somewhere, too (grin). But it's easy to see where the title comes from. Seems like it belongs on one of those E-card sites to be sent out to people.

PS: Once again, I can't get to the URL. I haven't been able to get to DAZ all weekend, either.

The only thing I could think to tweak might be in the third line of this paragraph (stanza?): I did not want to love at all For love has always brought me pain. I resolved to build a wall, But my resolve was all in vain. I think the rhythm's thrown off because line 1 is eight syllables, but line 3 is seven. Also, lines 2 and 4 are eight syllables, so line 3 tends to pop out when it's read aloud, IMHO. Actually ... now that I re-read it, there are some other odd rhythms. (I don't mean to sound too critical -- I like the poem; just trying to help.) Now that I look at the line counts: 9 -- My mind is nothing but confusion, 6 -- And tears run down my face. 9 -- My life seems like a bad illusion 8 -- With little dignity or grace. 8 -- I did not want to love at all 8 -- For love has always brought me pain. 7 -- I resolved to build a wall, 8 -- But my resolve was all in vain. 8 -- You took my wall down, stone by stone, 8 -- And burrowed deep into my heart 8 -- I'm not sure I can stand alone 6 -- And yet, we are apart. 7 -- Should I stay or should I go, 6 -- And which will hurt the most? 8 -- I can't be with you, that I know. 6 -- Without you, I am lost. I'm not suggesting you should go with iambic pentameter (or quadrameter?), but since your rhyme scheme is ABAB, CDCD, etc., it's most jarring when the number of syllables changes on rhyming lines. Maybe this is too much into the technical aspects of poetry, but it's something to think about when writing rhyming verse, as opposed to free verse. Please keep posting. I'd like to read more of your work.

I was thrown off by the repitition of the words love and resolve...I thought zits would be a good replacement because zits a lyric, but that doesn't quite fit either.. You know I used to be in a writers group at the Community Center and we had about eight people some teachers ripping line per line...I kinda miss that.

Chuck, Thanks (I think,lol) for the input. For the record, I am female, just in case you were going to ask, lol. I did repeat "love" and "resolve" for emphasis, and I am glad you liked it in the end. Seriously though, I appreciate you comments. I'm sorry you can't get the URL. Sounds like your server must be going through some bad times, if you can't get pages that normally behave themselves...perhaps you should call them. Oh, and I have a haiku that I illustrated in flash, if you are interested in seeing it, LOL. Mechmorph, thanks for all the thought you put into your post. It gives me much to consider. I do count syllables, but also listen to the natural rhythm of words, and sometimes a short line will emphasize a point I am trying to make. I will definitely revisit this one. tjames, What can I say? Thanks for reading and commenting, I will take your suggestion under advisement. Many thanks to you all for reading my work.

I think this poem is very graceful. As much as I like the sentiment in the Fogbound poem, I think the rhymes seem more natural in this one. My one suggestion: if the person is debating leaving, something must have triggered it. (The poet suddenly went from his/her lover burrowing in to the two being physically apart.) If I'm understanding your intent, I'd suggest something like this: I'm not sure I can stand alone But now, we are apart. or I'm not sure I can stand alone But now, we stand apart. That's my input. I hope it helps. (BTW: thanks to mechmorph for the analysis. It's really interesting to see a poem examined that way. It shows the craft behind the words.)