This thread is reserved for the constructive comments and compliments of the September Challenge entries.

• Use your comments to compliment your favorites or to provide constructive criticism to help those that enter improve their writing. (Harsh criticism is NOT allowed, please keep all comments friendly and helpful.)
• You may leave a comment regarding any of the entries at any time during the challenge.
• When commenting, refer to the entry number and title.
• Please always keep in mind that this is friendly challenge developed with the hopes of aiding all writers of every level to become better, as well as have some fun. We are a community, and as such, remember when commenting to be friendly and helpful. All comments, as with all entries, must abide by Renderosity TOS.

If any of the entrants have questions about a comment that was left on their challenge entry, but wish to remain anonymous, Midrael and I will act as mediators to ask your questions. Please send either one of us an IM, and we will keep the anonymity, and ask the commenter your question for you.

Attached Link: http://www.renderosity.com/contest.ez?contest_id=580

I'll be the first.
dido6:
I like your description of the Commenting Thread.
It is to-the-point, full of useful information, and visually pleasing.

However, I'm afraid I found it lacking in character developement and dramatic tension. I don't feel that I know this Midrael and this dido6 as real people. I see their existence as just words on paper, not flesh and blood, hair and bone, credit cards and pizza cravings. I'd like to know their hair color, what kind of birds they like, and have they ever eaten squid with mustard.

Secondly, and I say this with love, they seem to agree on everything. Perhaps if you have them occasionally disagree on something, for example inappropriate adverbs, it will create tension, which in turn will compel the reader to want more. An event culminating in some kind of duel would be golden.

And finally, the fact you are going to open up the forum to comments from any Tom, Dick, and garblesnix frankly (adv.) frightens me. Writers need discipline, that is to say, someone to rein them in, that is to say, someone to focus them so they don't start writing odd things about squids and duels.

(On a serious note, glad you're back)
Garblefull-of-himselfsnix

Ah now that's the constructive criticism we're talking about ;) And on a more serious note, I'll have to consider squids and duels as fair game for future challenges now. David L. Writer's Coord.

Yes! That exactly what I like to see! ;) Thanks Garblesnix :) Diana

I just joined a writing group and am learning there are shades of color between:
"That's brilliant! Quickly, to the publisher!"
and
"You suck! Quickly, break all your fingers so you never write again."

And, as an added benefit, you're WRITING when you WRITE about other peoples WRITING. (see a theme here?)

Message edited on: 09/08/2005 13:46

garblesnix, Unfortunately, there are typewriters designed to work with toes or with mouth-driven-sodastraws... just breaking the sap's fingers isn't effective at stopping the floodgates of drivel. Remember to think outside the pre-defined limits! I could suggest "quick, give him a lobotomy with complete D&C". However, we'd encounter another author so bad that only "recommend mummification while alive" would serve to indicate our opinion of his skill. At the other end, simply being considered publishable isn't that high of an accolade. There needs to be room for nomination for Pulitzer or Nobel prizes, or even setting one's feet on the path to sainthood while yet alive, or other achievements too unearthly to comtemplate until an author arises who inspires that sort of praise. ;^) Carolly

I really enjoyed reading this entry for the writing challenge. The use of character voice throughout the journal entries really drew me into the story told in that series of short paragraphs. If anything, I was disappointed that it was limited to 1000 words! Really great work with this entry, and I hope that it helped the author in some way with getting into the mindset of their character. David L.

Thoroughly enjoyable. Similar in tone to a Ken Burns story. Nice short, descriptive sentences, spoken as a child would speak them. I felt the child's need for things to work. A well paced emotional roller-coaster.

When something is submitted, do we give a heads-up, or just wait for someone to misclick on the The Directors Cut forum topic? Just curious. garfullofbullsnix

It's pretty lonely out there, but don't give up yet. I've been checking for new submissions every day. I'm sure some more will roll in before long. There are always a shortage of submissions until near the deadline. I'll be posting my comments soon. jon

I was looking through the Contests page looking for a particular one that a friend was entering and I came across your Writers Challenge. I was saddened to see that there were only two entries. That is a real shame. I am an avid reader and think the Journal Theme is a great one. I enjoy all types of genre, but autobiographies and biographies have always been a favorite of mine. Both journal entries were good, but I got deeper into the character of Joseph Dempsey. I would love to see it made into a book. It is wonderful story-telling via journal. It would be great to know who wrote it. I agree with the comment about allowing names on the entries since this is not going to be judged by votes, but by comments. Anyways, I feel I shouldn't even be commenting in your forum since I submit my artwork in the Mixed Mediums category, but I felt compelled to comment because of my love of reading and the excellent entry by #1. I hope you don't mind. Good luck with the Challenge. Sincerely, Susan

Susan, Doing stuff in one medium or another doesn't preclude us from holding opinions about quality or creativity in any other medium! A photographer can certainly judge if an oil painting appeals to hims dramatic eye and a writer can relate to an animated feature, since sequential images are merely another way to tell a story. Carolly

Just so everyone knows, there's actually two new submissions waiting for approval that we can't get in to actually approve because of some hiccups in the system that have kept me and dido6 from being able to manage the contest!! The word is that this glitch will be fixed soon and we'll have those entries out and able to be read as soon as possible! By the way, to Susan, as Carolly said, everyone is qualified to let people know what they think of their artwork. Just as I assume you would appreciate the comments and criticism of writers who view your art, I think they would just as much appreciate your views on their art of the written word :) David L. Writer's Coord.

Rendo has been worse than usual the last day or so... pages are taking so long to load that my computer times out. Hope that the glitch gets stomped upon!!!

Greetings all, just wanted to put my few cents worth in. Entry #1 is fantastic. A completely fresh POV. Well done. Nice simple writing that was a pleasure to read. I agree with Susan and ask for more. Entry #2 didn't grab me unfortunately. Even so I plodded through to read it. There were some evidence of good humor and fantastic imagery but on the whole a bit to 'busy'. Just my humble opinion though. David - Are the gliches sorted out or did one of the submissions not make the standard? Come on people, submit your writings......

Actually, we're still waiting.. there are now I believe 4 entries waiting to be approved!! Chances are I will extend the challenge by a week or so due to the technical issues once everything is cleared up. That way everyone will have a chance to read and comment on all the entries.

Hope plans are still to have a mid-month poetry challenge too. I'm also looking forward to that. I think this new comment/challenge format is working out pretty well, except for the technical issues.

jon

Message edited on: 09/27/2005 14:18

PHEW!! Alright, technical issues are finally done with :P I've approved the pending entries so there's quite a bit more to read :) I'll be posting my own comments on the entries in a bit. Look for that poetry challenge to be started before this weekend. It would have been up earlier had we not run into that snag that kept the administrators from being able to administrate! I'm glad that everyone is enjoying the new format so far, and I hope we'll see even more involvement from the community from here on! David L. Writer's Coord.

Because of all the goofy technical snafus with this challenge in the middle of the month, I've gone ahead and extended the challenge to October 3rd. If you haven't submitted or offered up your comments on the current entries, I hope you'll find the time to do so! David L. Writer's Coord.

Was the intention to close the challenge entry and comment threads at the same time? If so, I have indeed been tardy. But I had assumed the comment thread would stay open, at least for a while. Indeed, I don't see why the comment thread would ever have to close? Just wondering what the plan is. I have written up my comments on allmost all of them, but was waiting to post until I knew the last entry was up. jon

Oh, sorry for the confusion. You're right regarding the comment thread. It'll stay up as long as the thread exists :) The challenge itself will close when the deadline hits. By the way, I apologize for the tardiness on the poetry challenge which I know several were waiting eagerly for! We'll be opening both the poetry challenge and the new prose challenge following the closure of the current one :) David L. Writer's Coord.

General comment: I approached each entry as if it were fiction. Several of them read very much like they were not fiction, so I hope I have not tread on anyone's sensitivities. To approach them as non-fiction would make it very hard (for me at least) to separate critique of the written word from the personality that created it. For example, if the author of #6 really was employed at the WTC just before it was destroyed then my comments are quite insensitive, and I apologize. Journals, after all, are very private peeks into someone's most personal thoughts, feelings, desires and fears. I also think that journal entries are hard to critique from a technical point of view because who can say what's right or wrong about them? As with dialog, things such as spelling, grammar, and punctuation - while not meaningless - become remote concerns. The bad spelling, grammar or punctuation could very well be the way the character is intended to write. #1 I admit this one's mine. Not sure I'm supposed to say that, but it would seem pretty odd if I commented on all but one. Writing in the vernacular can be dangerous, but I felt like journals are written very much like people talk in a very informal manner. So I opted for the vernacular. Hope it worked. #2 Good description, both of the physical setting and the emotional tautness of waiting for the time to pass. At first I was a bit confused by the revelation in the next to last paragraph that the polluted coffee had yet to pass my lips when I could have sworn earlier paragraphs indicated otherwise. But on reflection I think the person took the coffee and, in the nervous fidgeting of the wait, just never got around to drinking it i.e. it was just something to occupy the hands. Let me know if I'm wrong. I must admit the phrase (blessings be upon its four walls and all that is within) got a bit old. And I stumbled badly over actory in other such actory words. On the other hand to think actorish thoughts did not cause me pause at all. #3 Not sure why but this one did not particularly grab me. I think, because it read like a long litany of complaints, I just had difficulty sympathizing with the character. And then there was no resolution at the end. A take this job and shove it ending would have at least been some sort of resolution, though I know most people would just trudge on as written. Just not very satisfying. I am no mechanic (I know how to turn the key in the ignition) but from my uninformed point of view there seemed to be inconsistency in the two items whole engine overhauled last week and the note to shelf to change the oil filter. If the whole engine had just been overhauled, would it likely need a new oil filter already? It very well might, but it seemed inconsistent to me. #4 I was a little confused with the various way points and modes of travel in the man's journey. He took a ship to Belfast, then talks about a train station en route to London. Then we are suddenly in Bucharest. A few more dates, in way of creating transitions, may have helped clarify this for me. For example, if youre on a train to London three or four days after being in Belfast, that works. However, if youre taking a train from Belfast to London, well that does not. I liked how the children's voices touched him in the December 24th entry. Some glimmer of hope in an otherwise very melancholy mood. I never did understand what the bureau was, though it was referred to several times. Perhaps a newspaper bureau? Or an embassy? I found the whole piece reminiscent of the mood from Dracula when they were going back to Transylvania to finish him off, once and for all. #5 I really don't know what to say about this one other than it really does not seem to touch me. As a journal entry it works OK, but I get no real sense of the person behind the journal, no emotional attachment, other than he (or she) is a bit homesick. There is no conflict and therefore no resolution, so there is no real hook for the reader. #6 This one definitely builds sympathy for the journal writer, seemingly trapped in a hopeless situation. You can feel the tension build through the whole piece until she at last takes the bull by the horns and quits, despite the risks. You can really feel for her when she admits to having taken her frustrations out on her kids. Unfortunately the last entry left me a little flat it seemed not to carry the emotional impact such a horrific event would have instilled. It may be unfair, but the writer just did not seem nearly devastated or outraged enough. On a rather fine note, the writer seems to be British and the events American. That is fine, there certainly were British workers in the World Trade Center. But then she talks about visiting her mother for the weekend, which makes it sound like she's got local roots, i.e. an American. It just seems to be a little inconsistent.

Jon, not only are you an incredibly talented writer, but you are a very fair and articulate critic as well. I agreed with all your reviews: I just don't have the talent to write such well-balanced critiques.

I still think your journal entry (#1) is by far the best. It reminds me of a Mark Twain novel. It takes you back in time and into the shoes of the character(s)...like time traveling.

Susan :-)

My understanding of this challenge was that we were to write as somebody different from who we are. It is easy to write as myself... but as a kid? or old man? or assassin? or scientist? or wage slave? Unless someone is writing for an audience, journal writing is often very boring... typical kid's diary "ate, watched TV, and went to bed" (I got a diary one Christmas, and it was forever before school started again, and I was no longer required to write something in it every night.) Carolly

Comments: #1: Well written voice. The rhythm of the words was like an earnest, but inexpertly played stringed instrument (guitar, banjo, etc.), something in the hands of a child. (this is not a comment on the story. It's the "sound" I "hear" when I read a story) A pleasantly presented conflict, though a bit more harshness might be considered. I didn't sense they were in any true danger of dying. #2: Good of kind, but not Best of Show. It'll hunt. #3: Might want to consider adding some kind of resolution with the characters life. Negativity for its own sake is a black plateau. What is it about the weekend that is so appealing? Maybe explore what makes the character happy. "Heard" thrash-metal, I-don't-want-to-think music. #4: A Harlequinesque type of story mixed with PBS "Mystery". I recommend Strunks The Elements Of Style to assist with cleaning up those commas. Melancholy violas. #5: There is a Jabberwocky feel. I am not a fan of Sci-Fi where the author creates nouns instead of a story. The rhythm was a violin and an oboe, but without bass notes. #6: I must admit I found it rather like story #3 when I began, but it had a nice redirect at the end. The tone is very much like "A Day In The Life" by the Beatles, with the redirect being the long chord at the end. Not to sound too simplistic, but congratulations to eveyone who submitted. The only way to become a writer is to write. Keep up the work. garblescribblersnix

Yes, I think that may be the weak point in a lot of my writing, things tend to be too easy, too Pollyannaish. Perhaps even too predictable. It's true that the Dempseys were never in any real danger of dying, except perhaps the father. The lack of water, not food, is the main danger when stranded in the desert. Since they had a ready source of water they were fairly secure. I think the root of this story stems from my visit to Joshua Tree National Park (a fascinating place, by the way). While we were driving through the California desert we passed through several small towns with apparently nothing to attract settlement. I remember looking at my passenger and saying, This must be where the axle broke. I suppose if this story would have continued it would have ended up being located in Dempsey, CA. ;-) jon

jon: This must be where the axle broke. What a great opening line. garblealwayslookingforahooksnix