She waits because she has no choice.

She looks once again at her wristwatch,although she knows it will only show her what she already knows...He's late again.

Above her the rain starts to thrum.It's been raining all night,but now the wind has given it it's own strange dissonant percussion.Heavy beats...drumming...drumming...heavy upon her umbrella...and then back to the steady unrelenting onslaught.

Where is he?

Somewhere in the distance she hears the wail of a small child.Summer nights in the city never let you forget that humanity is just beyond you,in the dark.Normally she would find the reality of so many so close to be intrusive...and would complain about the endless noise of city life...but now,especially because she is alone,the sound comforts her.

Was I mistaken about the time?

Doubt starts to weave sticky tendrils around her thoughts.

Maybe I heard wrong.Maybe he meant 12pm...not 12am...But no.That doesn't make sense.He's always busy at noon...Maybe he's hurt...Maybe he's lying somewhere in a gutter with no one to help him...Maybe he's trying to call me...

She fumbles through her purse looking for her cellphone,praying for the message alert to be on it's screen.

But it's blank.

Disappointed,she puts it back and looks around.Except for the streetlamps,and their hazy circle of light,all is dark.The roads are empty.Not even the occasional car swishes by to make her feel less alone.

Why do I do this to myself?

She looks,yet again,at her watch...12:15...and wonders how much longer she can wait,how much longer she can take this,before she goes to ewww...'that' place...She hates 'that' place.It's the place that tells her she's a fool,that she asked for this,that something is wrong with her...It's her mother chiding her,and telling her what a disappointment she is,and why can't she find herself a good man and be like Jessica...it's her sister,Jessica,saying she knows someone for her,except she needs to 'fix' herself first...it's her ex,Josh,cuddling...no...face it...making it...with her best friend Samantha on their couch as she walks in...

Why?...Sigh...

Why? Why? Why?

Ughhhhhhh.

Steeling herself to the inevitable night of hating herself,she looks down the darkened street and begins to walk.There are no cabs at this hour of night,and she knows that.She has more than a few blocks to walk before she ever has hope of even seeing one.

Good.I deserve to be miserable.Forget that my shoes will be ruined...Forget that he said he loved them...Forget them...Forget him...

But she knew that was easier said than done.

And that bothered her most of all.

I know there are some problems with this...I don't like the way the rain is described...and I think the paragraph about her mom,etc. needs work...but I'd like to know what you think so far...

Is it any good?

First thing I've 'written' in 27 years...

Your words paint a powerful visual image. It is easy to slip into the girl’s mind, to feel her hopes, her yearnings, and her disappoints.

I especially liked the lines about the shoes:

“Good. I deserve to be miserable. Forget that my shoes will be ruined...Forget that he said he loved them...Forget them...Forget him...”

 -----------------------

As to the description of the rain:

“Above her {{redundant, we know the rain is not below her}} the rain starts to thrum {{I would not use thrum, as thrum is more of a strumming noise, rather than a drumming noise}}. It's been raining all night, but now the wind has given it it's {{too many it, it’s .. also change the last it’s to its}} own strange dissonant percussion. Heavy beats...drumming...drumming...heavy upon her umbrella...and then back to the steady unrelenting onslaught.”

Just a suggestion, perhaps try:

“It’s been raining all night, but now the wind has given its own strange dissonant percussion. Slow steady beats...drumming...drumming...heavy upon her umbrella...and then back to the unrelenting onslaught.”

 -----------------------  

In the following sentence: “and wonders how much longer she can wait, how much longer she can take this, before she goes to ewww...'that' place...She hates 'that' place.”

I personally feel it reads much stronger if you leave out the ewww:

“…and wonders how much longer she can wait, how much longer she can take this, before she goes to that place...She hates that place.”

 -----------------------

I like the part about the mother and her expectations of her daughter, and the comparison to her sister. Very nicely done.

As to punctuation, please go back and insert a space between each sentence. Which, may only be a cut and paste technical problem. However, without the spaces it does make the piece a little hard to read.

Your story is very believable, and you have captured the girl’s emotions beautifully. I can easily relate to her situation—been there—done that—had to buy a new pair of shoes.

Keep writing, you have talent!

Dee-Marie

This is a really good description of self thoughts.
If it were thyself.

I do agree there are a lot of it's.

also
Disappointed,she puts it back and looks around.Except for the streetlamps,and their hazy circle of light,all is dark.The roads are empty.Not even the occasional car swishes by to make her feel less alone. I might change to:
Disappointed,she puts it back and looks around and except for the streetlamps,with their hazy circle of light,all is dark.The roads are empty.Not even the occasional car swishes by to make her feel less alone.
Going to ewwww, would mean that ewww is the place.  How about going to "that place" Oh no! She hates that place.

I like your use of Steeling.That is a really dramatic sentence.

Perhaps some more explanation of "fix" herself. You could go into a little detail there, without changing the topic too much.

Just my  few thoughts.
Keep it going Marlene. Another talent awaits you here.

I agree with most of what Deemarie says, though I don't have any problem with the word “thrum” to describe rain. To me, a rain that thrums would be steady and more monotonous than one that drums, more depressing – less exciting. But Dee's right about the redundancy, and cutting the sentence eliminates the word anyway.

The story point that confused me the most was “that place”. The presence of both family and friends is perplexing. If it is home, then the mother and sister fit nicely, but the ex and her best friend complicate it. Certainly not impossible, but unusual, and in need of explanation (which of course, may be coming).

Dee's point on punctuation also applies to commas and ellipsis, you need a single space after each. I think you can eliminate the ellipsis after “Why?... Sigh...” and make it “Why? Sigh...” They don't seem to indicate a trailing off of thought there.

It is good evocative writing, capturing both setting and emotion well. Keep writing and keep posting.

~jon

Thanks guys!!!!

I really appreciate the time you took to look at this and give me your opinions.

All wonderful,sound advice and I shall make good use of it.

Thank you especially to Dee-Marie...your sentences 'sound' much tighter.You'd make a wonderful editor.

Thank you,once again.Have a great day!

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Thank you Margana for sharing your writing with us.

From a woman’s point of view, I would keep the family references in the story. Your words ring true, and those are exactly the kind of eclectic thoughts that would run through my mind. Maybe it’s a non-male way of thinking? Besides, being in the early stages of love (or perhaps love-lust), can make you stupid! Not just act stupid, but, truly be stupid!

I am especially fond of "not going to that place." I have been to that place, and I know that it is not a place that anyone wants to go.

As to editing; after four years working as Managing Editor on the Renderosity Magazine [and working alongside and learning from some amazing copy editors like dialyn], please forgive me for slipping back into editor mode.  

Looking forward to your next upload. I am curious as to what happens. Did she make it home safely? Did she ever hear from the guy she was waiting for? Was he a jerk, or did he get detained for a good reason?

Dee-Marie

"As to editing; after four years working as Managing Editor on the Renderosity Magazine..."

Wow.I'm honored actually...Loved everything  you said,and found every 'edit' most valuable.

Thank you soooo much!

Now....can you tell me why my  text is soooooo HUUUUUUUUGE!

LOL When I respond it seems to mirror the last response,size-wise...

Ewwwwww...to me it's like yelling,lol!

Hugs and mwah-Me <")

Hmm weird, It does not appear Huge to me.

However, I am still trying to understand all the functions surrounding the new forum setup.

Perhaps try adjusting the size box?

Dee-Marie

Oh, I think I understood “that place” from a psychological point of view. It was the physical “that place” I was wondering about. If “that place” is just home in a general sense – i.e. back to the old neighborhood, the old school, the old social and physical confines of the past, there is no problem at all.

“It's her mother chiding her... it's her sister,Jessica,saying... it's her ex,Josh... making it with her best friend... on their couch as she walks in”

If “that place” is just the old life in general, there is no problem – it all makes sense. However, if “that place” is actually her home, where presumably her mother and sister live, and for some reason where her ex (boyfriend) and her best friend hang out well after midnight making love on her mother's couch... well, that seems a bit odd. Or maybe I'm old fashioned?

To me it sounded like she was going to her house. I think the phrase, “as she walks in”, is what puts all those people in the same place at the same time.

I'm making much ado about nothing. It does not distract from the overall emotional impact of the piece, which works very well. I just wanted to explain why I seemed confused.

BTW, you can shout that way anytime, my old eyes kind of like the bigger font.

~jon

Hi Jon,

If I am not mistaken That Place ... refers to That Place that women (and I am sure men) go emotionally, when caught in the headlights of love.

It is not a physical place. But, instead, the emotional roller-coaster ride that often comes from love, especially in the early stages of love.

Dee-Marie

Thank you,Dee-Marie.

I couldn't,(and obviously I didn't,lol)say it better myself. ;^)

Actually you said it to perfection!

I think it's a nice story. I can sympathise with how she feels. I would just lose the part about looking at the wristwatch repeatedly, as it's a clishay. maybe there's some more creative way of conveying her sense of time passing. the other deal, the technical thing, about 12 a.m. and 12 p.m. just to concur if somebody already mentioned it. 12 a.m. means 12 ante meridiem (12 hours before noon), whereas 12 p.m. means 12 hours post meridiem (12 hours after (later than) noon), hence 12 a.m. and 12 p.m. are technically identical. one should use "noon" and "midnight" instead.

Interesting points,Miss Nancy.I will take them under consideration,as well.

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.It is most appreciated. :^)

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." -- Mark Twain

Hi Marlene,

A good piece of writing, yes.  And you've made nice word choices, as others  mention.  Also, you show a flare for adding drama with the short paragraphs – great!

But please consider a few things to tweak this solitary midnight tale:  first, you jump in and out of her head, from close third person POV ("Where is he?") to omniscient POV as you tell the reader what she's thinking.  Those jumps/shifts unsettle the reader and destroy the fictive dream.

Most of the prose posted in the gallery  and here in this forum uses synoptic, omniscient (god-like) POV.  I blame the mechanics of reading a monitor screen.  But omniscient POV is the TELLING POV.  SHOW don't TELL.  If you tell the reader what and why, then dear reader shuts down, and doesn't get into the main character's skin, doesn't worry or hope for the character, which is necessary for the fictive dream to succeed.  

The proof of whether a fictive dream works comes at the end, when the reader says "Oh, so that's what happened," or "Ah-h-h."   Fool that I am, I hope to say, "Ah-h-h."

 Second, because of the serious use of omniscient, there are 26 "she" words in some 412 words of total text.  Maybe give her a name.

Third, I side with Jon about "that place."  I'm unclear as to your meaning.  I wondered if it could be a house of ill-repute.  I'm older than Jon, and apparently more foul of mind.

We only learn from feedback.  Be of good cheer, for you've received many helpful comments, which certify you have talent.

More, please.
Dick

Awsome story Marlene. Truly writing that puts the reader there in the body and worried mind of the girl. It also looks like you've already gotten some pretty good feedback so I don't think I could add much that would improve this already very good tale. Dee-Marie wrote what I would have about the rain description and her thoughts about the "ewwww" I echo, and say also that I feel you don't need the "Ughhhhhh" either. :)

Thanks Dick and Kortalouche.I really appreciate all the time and trouble everyone is taking to read this and give me feedback.

It means so very much to me.

Thank you all!  :^)