Ba Dum Bum!

Ok, it's not great but it made me chuckle.

Thanks, I needed the laugh. Hope this thread keeps going with some jokes.

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Hahahahaha !! All the jokes here...

Okay, that's enough. My sides are starting to hurt...

I was told when I was a lad

If I stared at the moon I'd go mad

So I stared for a night

And I'm still all right

So groobly squiddly flad.

When I got home last night all the windows were open and everything had gone!!!

Some ######## had eaten all the chocolate in my advent calendar!

A little early I know

If it be true, as I do think,

Not all are drunk of those who drink;

'Tis also true, just think of it,

That those who smell aren't all just manure.

Here's one that only makes sense in a Scottish accent...

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings and Walt disnae.

I'll get me coat.

My wife said, "You remind me of the sea".

I replied, "You mean, wild, untamed and romantic?"

"No", she said, "You make me sick".

Thanks folks. I needed a few good chuckles.

A dyslexic friend went to a toga party dressed as a goat. He decided to make a career as a pimp so he bought a warehouse. That didn't work out so well, so he decided to make an unholy bargain and sold his soul to Santa. Later he realized the error of his ways and found Dog.

What do you call a bear without an ear? B.

SamTherapy posted at 1:17PM Wed, 23 November 2016 - #4290705

What do you call a bear without an ear? B.

Now you can get your coat...

A friend told me she liked the Monkees. I wasn't sure. Then I saw her face and now I believe her

I was going to be an archaeologist but I realised my career would be in ruins

I was called in by my manager to talk about my bad attitude to work. He asked if it was ignorance or apathy. I said I didn't know and didn't care

I love a warming curry -

But watch the hot Madras;

It makes your ears and nose go red

And it don't half burn your bum.

One for the Brits:

Came in from mowing the grass and found my wife unconscious at the foot of the stairs. When she came round, she asked if I'd heard the noise.

"Yup, I heard", I replied.

"Why didn't you come in to see if I was OK?" she asked me.

"Well", I said, "I thought you were watching Eastenders".

Guy checking in to a motel says to the receptionist, "I'm a born again Christian, so I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled".

The receptionist gives him a sharp look and says, "No, you weirdo, it's just normal porn".

Two cannibals eating a clown. One stops and asks the other, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

One cannibal says to the other 'I've gone off my wife' The other replies 'Well, push her to the side of your plate and eat the rest'

Do vegetarian cannibals only eat Swedes????

We were going to a Cabaret and the wife wanted to be in something long and flowing. So I threw her in the river.

The inventor of the throat lozenge died. There will be no "coughin'" at the funeral.

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Yeah, I know it's awful. LOL

Changing one letter at a time (called Word Ladder or Doublets) for Blazing Saddles ...

BEANS

BEADS

BENDS

BANDS

WANDS

WARDS

WARTS

FARTS.

Why should I want an electric omelette maker?

I don't eat electric omelettes.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

And... how was your week?

We had a caller asking for a donation to the old people's home. I gave them my grandma.

last week, I was beaten up by a six foot beetle. When I went to see my doctor about it, he told me there was a nasty bug going around.

I'm allergic to violence. It makes me break out in cuts and bruises.

A woman from Rotherham had a pair of her knickers stolen from the clothes line. She's not too bothered about those but she'd like the 24 pegs back.

How can you tell when a Barnsley woman has an orgasm? She drops her doner kebab.

Scientists have discovered a food which puts women off sex. It's called Wedding Cake.

My friend opened a magic bottle with a genie trapped inside. The genie granted him a wish, so he asked that his penis would trail along the floor. Suddenly, his legs fell off.

Mary had a little lamb, who's fleece was white as snow

But one day she decided the lamb had to go

The price of meat was rising high

Mary said this didn't please her

So tonight she dines on leg of lamb

The rest is in the freezer.

-How do you call a boomerang, that doesn't come back? -A stick."

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.

What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.

What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out your pants? Your mom.

What's pink and hard in the morning? Financial Times crossword.

The Australian for "Return" is, "Boo" because when you throw an ordinary meringue...

My wife said to me the other day, "Sam" - because she knows me - "Sam, you have the body of a god. Pity it's Buddha."

More Brit stuff...

You know you're from Barnsley when:

At least 50% of your relatives used to work downt pit.

Snap is something you eat.

You know that a bag of spice is something kids eat.

Summat to Eight is a meal, not the time of day.

You get on a bus marked "Jump Circular" without a second thought.

You have one word that means Hello, How are you, Whats this, Hang on a minute and bloody hell! (Ayup..)

You know that "Oo wa shi wi", "She wa wi ersen", O wa Shee Naa" "aaah shi wa" isn't Chinese.

Pop is a drink, not your granddad.

You have more fishing rods than teeth.

rokket posted at 8:07PM Tue, 29 November 2016 - #4291413

We are convinced my son is psychic.

One night we were putting him to bed, and he began to say his prayers: "God bless mommy, and daddy, and grandma. Good bye grandpa."

The next day, my father died. We were all in a panic. Sure enough, a week later he was saying his prayers again: "God bless mommy and daddy. Good bye grandma."

You guessed it. My mother died the next day. Now we were really freaking out. Sure enough, a few days later: "God bless mommy. Good bye daddy."

I spent the whole next day worried about when I was going to pass. I went to work as usual, but I couldn't concentrate so I came home. I found my wife on the front steps crying her eyes out.

I asked her "dear, I'm not dead yet. Why are you crying like that?"

She said "You don't understand! The mail man was coming up the steps to deliver the mail, and he died right there at the top!"

"Mommy, do ladies take to pieces like model cars?"

"No, dear. Why do you ask?"

"I just heard Daddy tell Mr Perkins he screwed the ass off Auntie Denise last week".

Good ones Rokket and Sam.