Events in my life at home and here over the last 3 weeks had me thinking today. A tumble of thoughts swimming through my mind related and not related. And so I've decided to ramble a bit about these things, and my apologies if they make sense to no one but me.

Periodically, actually more often than I would like, I go through a low time where I feel pretty worthless. It started for me again about 3 weeks ago. Often I'm able to keep up with things both here and in real life, and move on. Yet this time I couldn't. My cat, the very last of a trio, my children as they were, died. I spent last week in a state of depression, so bad that my husband was worried, thinking he had somehow done something to affect me and our relationship. But alas, it was simply me feeling as if my heart had been ripped out and a large chunk was now missing. The outpouring of love from all of you as a group, warmed my heart, yet being catless after 16 years of having many cats was a strange and very unreasonable way to live my life. And I began to feel myself pulling away, from myself and Renderosity.

I felt myself beginning to close up, I found it hard to look at the gallery, to post to threads, to communicate with anyone..... I tried to keep up with it, and as the days went on, I found it harder and harder to do. I stepped away, not commenting, not looking, feeling hard coldness oozing through me. Then a couple of days ago, a very dear friend and much beloved member of our photo community here, decided to rip down his gallery. And it made me realize how closely we tie our emotions, our feelings, our self-worth as it were into this place. He felt his images were crap, (to which I disagree with a resounding NO WAY), the events in his life mirroring how he came to view his work. Such insanity.... and yet I've been there, I can relate. How many times have we, and by we I mean you, me, looked at our images, our photographs and thought.... "My God... I suck! This sucks!"

This doesn't apply to just photography, but any endeavor we may try to accomplish, painting, work.....etc. I related to a couple of friends, how many, many times I've come so very close to removing all of it.... How once in a fit of insaneness I started removing comments on gallery images I had made, started dismantling my fav artists list, because I was ready to throw it all away and leave, leave, leave.... because I felt like shit and was hurting.... and I was going to punish everyone. "I'll show them all! I don't need this place......!" Huh? Yeah, it's crazy... who am I hurting but myself..... Luckily I was able to stop myself, before I chopped an ear off (haha Van Gogh reference).

It was with great fear, and nervousness, so long ago that I made my first posting to the Photo gallery. My gallery has grown quite a bit, but I still feel that same trepidation when I go to post an image. With each image I am exposing a part of myself for the world to see, to judge, to trash, to hate....and yet I have to share, even when I feel this way. I am my worst critic, and so I am often overwhelmed by the reaction that my images sometimes get... and then the self-doubt will kick in anyway. I know I am not that good.... I know it. I look at those who are professionals, and I see that I have so far to go. Will I ever attain that level of perfection? I can only try my best, yet I doubt that I will. Enax once asked me why do you wait so long to post an image? And I thought about it for a bit, and now I have that answer. I wait, until the time is right. Often an image is recorded, stored on my hard drive.... I hate it, it has no redeeming qualities, it did not express what I was looking to say. I often go through my archives, just looking for the image that strikes me at that moment. Many times, my images have to grow on me... I hate them when they come out of the camera, but given time, they grow, they bloom, they speak with a voice of their own. And then they are ready to be shown..... and even then for all their imperfections, they are fragile, I am fragile. And I await for the critics in my head to stop me from clicking the upload button. But these images, these borrowed moments in time are all mine.

All of us share a piece of ourselves when we post a thought, when we post an image. For this is what brings us together. And there are times when this is overwhelming to me.... when I hate myself and everyone else too. Yet the love brings me back in to the fold.... the Moody Moderator I am.... so well named Tedz.... it fits like a glove.
It is my hope that someday David will come back to us, that he will continue to share that slice of himself that we have come to love so much. Because this place is a bit empty without his beautiful images that he thinks are so terrible that no one can see them. I understand this, I feel it too, we all do from time to time I think. The path to our door is worn from those who have come and gone.... and it's always wonderful to see an old face come back. So with that I think I'll stop rambling on out of control.... and start making some comments in the gallery. It's been a few days since I've visited, and it's time I stop feeling sorry for myself.

To all of you, lurkers and very loved regulars..... a big hug. And thank you all for making this place what it is.

AWW, very touching message Michelle! Thank You! Jinx

Chelle I could not have put it better.. I saw Davids last image and agree with you.. Also I am sure many of us have been through what you describe at times when we lose something we love and cry out there cant be a god!! We cannot gain anything from cutting off our nose to spite our faces!! Life is short and surely one of the pleasures of our hobby or for some more seriously profession, is that it can spread a little happiness around be it a Summer flower or place we spent a wonderful time in.. We share these simple pleasures with each other and fraternal friendships are forged.. I hope we will see him back again... My advice is to get yourself another Cat to give your love to... I am reminded also how Angelheart having lost a Husband and Son can manage to post her images..Makes me realize how lucky I am, and what a special place we have here and much of this is down to you... Thankyou Hugz xxx

it's good you brought this out in the open Michelle, too much hurt, like a heavy cloud, the tears keep rolling in... i can so relate to your feelings... the loss of your cats, our friend, feelings of self-doubt... except maybe the sucky part, i don't think i suck :] or think my work is crap, just not as good as what i've seen out there you know i have felt it too... sure we all have... noticed it happening a couple times... shot off an IM... hey, what are you doing?? what's the matter... talk to me, don't do this... please stop... it doesn't make you feel any better... maybe temporarily... but them you miss it... sometimes i find it scary to post but at the same time it's a shot of adrenaline, it makes me feel that much more alive... i live so isolated from people, it's beautiful here in the country but i need the interaction... & i wonder how long will it last there's a piece of me, a vision, love to share... you, Michelle & you, Danob were there when i began & took the time to encourage me... there are those out there who are starting new too, who could use some encouragement, i remember how grateful i felt... still do & then our friends that awe us daily with their images... so maybe we're partial with our comments... goes back to that previous thread from last week... but yesterday, i realized just how much love there is in our gallery... & what a kick in the gut it is to find someone you care about announce they're not worthy & just disappear, to see others hurting... i couldn't do that to the friends i have made here, i've thought about it but not after this... there are a few i've seen, like racin-jason, who can make a graceful & eloquent departure (back now :) or still others that just fade away, course it is like a celebration when they show up again well, guys... could be there's just not enough sunshine & warmth out... those winter blues, mid-life crisis, whatever has taken hold... but come on... smile!!! :D * g r o u p ~ h u g z * hey... did you see Janet J's boob pop out during half-time? damn those wardrobe malfunctions! hehehe where's Tedz?... i need to disco...

Michelle I do understand and i wish with all my heart that you get better and that you find a new friend!! Pull back and take it easy for a while. Give yourself a chance and then come back to us all smiling! :)

Michelle, we all go through exactly what you are going through, although each in our own way or circumstances. This place we inhabit at renderosity, even though most of us are thousands of miles away from each other on the map, is as close a group as I have been a part of in a long time. We have shared what we see, what we feel, what we think, and yes at times how we hurt. But we are still here for each other in this place. I wish I could wave a magic wand, to heal your heart, to dispel David's feeling of inadequecy, and the many aches of all of our friends here, but alas I cannot. But I (and I'm sure I speak for everybody on board,) offer my ear to listen and my shoulder on which to lean in your trying times.
Jack

Sweet 'Chelle, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I didn't want to believe it when I read David's note, just like I didn't want to believe Roby, when he decided to delete his gallery and never come back to Rend. And even though I respect their decissions, I can't say I understand. I'm just a total beginner at photography, I know my photo skills need loads of improvement and work. I did think about deleting some of the images I posted here a couple of times but I decided against it, because my gallery shows my progress (if any), it's a bit of my life, my own history, and if I get better, I want to be able to go back to page one and say - this is where my journey began, this is where my adventure started. I met some wonderful people here, real friends I can count on, who have been helping me ever since I joined Rend, almost a year ago. I'm forever in their debt. I think we've got an incredible community here. We share not only our achievements & work but also feelings, emotions, joys and sorrows, disappointments and successes. We're a real team :) What was going on in the gallery yesterday proves it. And I'm proud & grateful to be a part of it. I hope Dave will come back to us, I know he will. I think Danny's right about getting a new feline friend, Michelle. Maybe it seems to soon just now, but I believe you'd feel better if you had a furry little rascal to take care of. Huge Hugs to you, dearest Raven Haired Moody Moderator and Group Hugz! :) Oh, and Cyn - yeah, I saw Janet's boob! :D

Dear Michelle I started writing three replies, more than one hour reading and thinking about your words. I know that difficult situations make us more doubtful but every day is a new day with more possibilities to know a new friend, to take a better photo, to rediscover how beautiful the smile of our children is. Some times I think that I love your photos more than you, I saw all the photos of your favorites photographers which you post in this forum and I thought: these photographers are the favorites of Michelle but I prefer the photos of Michelle and this is true, is what I thought. I like to read your last sentence "and it's time I stop feeling sorry for myself." Because is time to live the life, to enjoy the travel, to love, to share, to take photos and you have a lot of friends here who wish you the best and want to enjoy your art and your friendship I'm one of these. Hugz dear friend and thanks for the beautiful moments here, with your photos, your comments, your threats... sorry threads, your replies Hugz dear Michelle.

ps... there i go sticking my foot in my mouth again... i shouldn't make lite of JJ's boob, it obviously upset a lot of people... we love you Michelle!! & your photos!!

In that case, I shouldn't've picked it up... I'm sticking my foot in my mouth too... Done.

You mean I missed Janets' boob?.... darn it! Should've watched the half-time show! Confused now? .... someone is upset by it? Hehehe.... All of you....thank you so much for the thoughts.... you know I will get another kitty.... or two... no home should be without them, but I will wait for a time... And I don't think I could ever delete my gallery, but there are times when I need to step back and take a break, when I get the moody blues I'm no darn good to anybody, least of all myself, when I get this way. But it felt good to ramble.... and think out loud.... group hugz

Don't delete your gallery without my permission, btw I stolen your words "hard coldness" as title for one of my photos.

Michelle, My favorite little Moody Moderator. I feel those feelings everyday. I think my work of late is crap too. How many images have y'all seen since I got the D100? I can count them on one hand. How many have I taken? Over 2000 in 6 weeks. I shoot whatever I can. I even shoot my patients to let them see what they look like with new glasses. They can't see when they take theirs off so I shoot them and show them. I walk the wintery woods and I see a beautiful fox. A huge fox! I am so slow I can't even get the camera out of my coat fast enough to try to get a shot. What kind of shooter is that slow!? But even if I do suck and my work sucks and my job sucks and my boss sucks and ... I have to shoot. That feeling I get when I press that button... That trepidation of "will this be 'THE' shot? Did I catch the moment? Did I capture the feeling I saw, felt? Why do I do this slow torture of myself? Because I love to shoot. I simply love to have the camera in front of my eye. I have 3 days worth of shots in my camera. Perhaps I should upload them and actually see what I have. One last thing... The community, forum, place... This place is home. I feel safer here than I do anywhere. I can come here and forget the world. I can come here and see what I could be, what I might do, what I have done. I can come here and be with friends. I can come here and look at your gallery (which I have done many times) and say, "someday I will be that good." Keep shooting our little Michelle. Keep posting too. I look when I post, I look for those comments that mean the most to me. I look for comments from you. Magick Michael

PS for those who missed it, Janets boob.. http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20040202/capt.sbx18102020149.super_bowl_sbx181.jpg http://drudgereport.com/jjt.jpg http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20040202/i/r2794264459.jpg

what a wicked looking nip ring! o.O!

Whoah. I had been away from here for quite a while, and just came back to visit very recently. This forum was very important to my early development in photography, and helped provide 'inertia' for all this time that I've been away, but studying every day. This IS an extraordinary community you guys have here. Kind'a freaks me out. Seeya soon, Joe 'Finder'

Even in New Zealand...I saw Janet's Boob and small Towel Ring ...sigh...I Video Taped it , so that I can complain over and over again. Ok ...Raven Haired Moody Moderator....You need a outing with Buzz Lightyear....You need to have fun....by finding a Victim of the Day....someone to Paddle....yikes....probably Me! I cannot give Photography advice...it is beyond Me...but....it is where You aspire....these are Life Trials, these are Self Doubts, these are Normal feelings.....and, yep....you are among Friends. Do a Ring a Ring a Rosie...a Pocket full of Posey...sigh....You are among People who care...as we do for Dave....He shall return...group hugz disco for Cynlee.

As i'm one of the new ones, Cyn refered to (those, needing the assistance she offers .. thanks by the way, you're doing very fine dear Cyn! :) huggles ... uhmm, almost lost my context .. and as it's not easy for me to tell that in english, i can just say "i understand your feelings Michelle". I'm just wondering, why so many people (including myself more than once) try to hurt themselfes in times, where it's hard enough without that habbit? Some months ago, i teared down my own forum which at that time ran for 3 years, deleted my own gal over there .. Anyways, this is not about me, it's about you. Thank you for that posting, you're offering a lot of what makes you the person you are. I can just quote jacoggins in offering an ear and a shoulder. And by the way: your work doesn't suck at all!! One of your photos is the reason i'm here, the reason i'm taking pictures and trying to learn .. learning to (hopefully) do such great shots myself someday. hugz, Tom :) PS Dave, if you read this: i adore your work. Please take your time .. all the time you need, but i'm missing your shots and the person behind. You're a great one .. all the best to you!

First, Huge hugs go out to you and to David. Everything you said, is everything I've felt at one point or another. Before I did nothing but paint and I've ripped my galleries shamelessly down a couple of times because I knew I just wasn't good enough. I had my own fits of depression over the same thing and others. It's hard... so I do not judge when someone else does it...I empathize. We are our own worst critics in the worst sense. I made a new years resolution that I would not rip my galleries apart again, that no matter what I was going through...they would stay. All we can do is give our best and if in that moment we do not feel worthy, we will at some point again. So many thoughts running through my head at this moment and no real clear way to put them into words. I KNOW what you are going through and so many others. That's the great thing about this community, is that we love and accept each photographer in their own style and pass no judgement. We are accepted ultimately for who we are and what we see through the eye of the lens. We are accepted for who we are as a person no matter what side of the world we come from or what personality we have, we our family and we are here for one another to learn and lean on when needed. Maybe when we realize that we are not the best at what we do....we grow and then we hunger to better ourselves. Michelle and David you both are very special to this gallery and without either of you it wouldn't be the same. A loss that hurts us all. So my dear moody moderator...I wouldn't have you any other way. :) SUPER CYBER HUGS!!!

Dear Michelle, thank you for speaking out loud what so many of us often think or feel. There will always be such low time sometimes. I think the reason is an artist like you and so many others has a warm, thoughtful heart and a fragile soul otherwise he/she won't be able to do art and to share a piece of him/herself. Me, far away from being an artist, sometimes feel the same. I want to delete all my work as it cannot stand again all those masterpieces in the gallery. But thinking about how much I have learned since my first posting about a year ago always stopps me from leaving. I know I have to go on a long way and I will probably not reach the aim. But hey, why not give it a try? All those fantastic guys and gals I've met here in the gallery, who encouraged and supported me I would miss for sure. For me the photography gallery is a very special place... like a home... we are accepted for who we are. You are a big part in this gallery and it wouldn't be the same without you! It's a thousand of pities David has left us, cause he is a great photographer and we could learn a lot by his great works. He is a gift to our gallery! We will miss him. But all we can do is showing him that we care and hoping he will be back soon. I do really understand your feelings on the loss of your beloved kitty... as you know I had to go the same sad path in December. Nothing was left but a hole. My family did their best to get me out, but you can only work it out on your own. I was really thankful with all the thoughts and sympathies my friends here have sent to me and it gave me some comfort. My dear moody moderator, thanks for beeing you, don't give up! You will work it out! huge group hugz

Hug

Funny how we all are different people with different tastes and different styles yet, we all have gone through the same thing! In some ways I think we are all alike. It must be that tempermental artist thing, as I too am guilty of getting depressed and not thinking myself worthy, and tearing down things... long story. Just remember: "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." - Marlon Brando Even the wildest dreams have to start somewhere. Allow yourself the time and space to let your mind wander and your imagination fly. ~ Unkown "The only people who never fail are those who never try." - Ilka Chase

Now, when one of us has gone, we should become stronger... maybe, David has left to search for a new way, but I am a little indignant of how he has left... I love every of you, because for me each of you - the teacher. I - just little girl who so need for your support and in your advice. My English is bad or even is awful , I hate it in myself. Because it, I frequently can not tell you something important, that I see in each your picture which you send.... You are good guys, sometimes it is a little crazy and frivolous but for this reason I love all . Michelle, I see, how you suffer... What I can tell you? All gone, all varies... Maybe, tomorrow it will be better... Stop tears of the heart and soul... Don't forget, but be happy...

Such a beautiful flower Alrisha....! And I understand your English just fine! Those are some fine quotes Nilla.... :~) It is amazing, how we all have these feelings, yet often while you are going through it you feel it is only you against the rest of the world.... And Michael... thanks for the pics .... that thing on her nip looks like it could poke an eye out! Wonder where I could find a couple of these? Would make a lovely addition to the Xena Warrior Princess get up.... dontcha think Cyn?

hehe... most definitely 'chelle :D... wonder if they have the fake ones though? the ideal of being pinned there makes me a bit queasy :p & WoW! what a response! i feel truly blessed to have found this place & be a part of such a fine group of people hugz to you all :]