The boards have been tense and crabby lately, let's be silly and share some giggles :)

Jokes, funny stories, goofy pictures....anything to get someone to crack a smile!!!!

Here's mine. A joke that came to me through email :)

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.  The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.  the second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.  The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.  The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon the minister reported the following results:  The first worm in alcohol - DEAD.  The second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD.  The third worm in chocolate syrup - DEAD.  The fourth worm in good clean soil -ALIVE.

So the minister asked the congregation- " What can you learn from this demonstration?"

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A dear little old lady in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolates, you won't have worms"

K....a good one to make in Poser....lmao!

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks
the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver
searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it
look like?

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. The blonde cop
looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the
compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you had
told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we
could have avoided this whole thing."

The moral of the story? Two blondes don't make a bright.

**A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"**

A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

If Your Family Tree Doesn't Fork

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Mommy, I don't want these eggs, they've gone bad!

Shut up and eat them!

Uhh, ok but I'm leaving the beaks.

A young, very inexperienced couple get married and want to start a family.  After several months of sitting around, waiting for the stork to arrive and looking under gooseberry bushes, they decide to visit their doctor.

A few minutes into the conversation, the doctor realises he has an uphill struggle with the couple and so he gets out all his medical textbooks, diagrams, illustrations and a well-hidden selection of photographs.  The young couple stare at all of the presented information in stark dibelief, looks of sheer, blank incomprehension across their faces.

In desperation, the doctor decides to use baby talk and says, fixing the young man with his gaze, "It's really simple.  All you have to do is take what you used to play with as a kid and stick it where your wife pees!"

The young couple, suddenly understanding, both smile broadly and get up off the couch.  "We have to start right away", says the young woman. 

"Sure thing", says the Doctor, "Call me when you have some news."

A couple of days later, the Doctor gets a phone call from the young couple.

"So, any news?" says the Doc.

"Yeah", says the young man.  Thanks to your stupid advice we flooded the house and we're gonna sue your ass for damages!"

"Huh? What on earth do you mean?" the Doc asks.

"Well, we did exactly what you said and now we have a damn football stuck down the toilet!"

Two blondes were watching TV when a news report came on saying there was a minor earthquake in South America and that one Brazilian was killed.
“That’s awful.” One said out loud.
“It really is,” the other said. “Such a loss of life.”
They sat quietly for a time until one said…

“How many in a Brazilian again?”

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it,but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

On passing the bar exam ...
:b_funny:

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was asalted

• • • • *.

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says:
"Ok, I'll serve you but don't start anything."

A dislexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says,
"Hey, give me a beer and one for the road."

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

**A bartender was working one night when a customer caught his eye.  The customer had his left hand up to his ear talking to it.  The bartender walked over to the man and asked him, "what are you doing?"  The man began to tell the bartender that he was an inventor and he had invented the first hand phone.  All of a sudden his hand started to ring, "hold on a sec," he told the bartender as he pulled an antenna out of his finger.  "Hello", he said, "I'm at the bar honey, I'll be home in a bit."  "That is really something", said the bartender and went on to his business.  A little later in the evening someone came up to the bartender and told him that the guy who was talking to his hand was in the men's room acting pretty strange and that he should check it out.  When the bartender walked into the restroom there was the man standing, facing the wall with his hands outstreched and legs apart with his pants and underwear down to his ankles with a strand of toilet paper hanging out his butt.  "What the heck are you doing?" asked the bartender.  "Hold on a sec", said the customer "I have a fax coming in." **

 A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response, except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher asked "Who said that?" Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!

:)

An old man and a little boy are walking into the forest in the middle of the night.

"I'm scared!" says the little boy.

"How do you think I feel?" asks the old man, "I've got to walk back on my own!"

How many is a Brazilian? You only need one when it's the incomparable Ilona...

http://www.renderosity.com/viewed.ez?galleryid=503625&Start=109&Artist=SamTherapy&ByArtist=Yes

http://www.renderosity.com/viewed.ez?galleryid=1202503&Start=1&Artist=SamTherapy&ByArtist=Yes

Trust me, you wouldn't want to fight with this woman.

A nervous primary school teacher hears there is about to be a visit from the school governors.  Her class is very unruly, so naturally, she is worried that the governors will see her in a bad light.

One evening, she discusses the matter with her husband, who is something of an inventor.  He goes round to the classroom and drills a small hole in each seat and places a sharp needle attatched to an electric motor under each hole.  Next, he wires the whole bunch to a control panel under the teacher's desk, with a set of switches and a big red master switch. 

On the day of the Governor's visit, the teacher is very nervous, but attentive as everyone walks into class.  The kids, slouching around, suddenly jump to attention as the governors walk in, thanks to the teacher giving a sharp slap on the master switch, causing the needles to jump up through the holes in the seats.

"Most excellent", says the chief of the Governors.  "Let's see what they learned from Bible studies", and pointing to a boy in the first row, says, "Who died on the cross to save our souls?"

The teacher flips a switch and the boy jumps up, shouting "Jesus Christ"

"Very good" , remarks the Governor, "now, can anyone tell me who hid in a basket in the river?"

The teacher hits the switch and a young lady jumps up, shouting, "Holy Moses!"

"Very, very impressive", says the Governor, and his entourage nod sagely.

"Finally", says the Governor, "I will give a commendation to any child who can tell me what Eve said to Adam in the Garden of Eden".

Before the teacher can move, a little girl at the back jumps to her feet and shouts, "You're not sticking that fucking thing in me!"

CHINESE PROVERBS

~~~~~~~~~
Man
who run in front of car get tired.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who walk through airport
turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
~~~~~~~~~
Man
with one chopstick go hungry.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
~~~~~~~~~
Baseball is wrong: man with
four balls cannot walk.
~~~~~~~~~
Panties not best thing on
earth! But next to best thing on earth.
~~~~~~~~~
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
~~~~~~~~~
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him
in cat house.
~~~~~! ~~~~
Man
who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
~~~~~~~~~
It
take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill
it.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who drive like hell, bound to get
there.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who stand on toilet is high on
pot.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who live in glass house should change clothes
in basement.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who fish in other man's well often
catch crabs.
~! ~~~~~~~~
Man who fart in church sit in own
pew.
~~~~~~~~~
Crowded elevator smell different to
midget.
~~~~~~~~~
Now send it to 10 or more people.
Nothing
will happen but 10 people will laugh.
~~~~~~~~~

For the history buff in the group. FW: History of Mexico 101 (Cinco de Mayo)

 Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the

**condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
 
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. **

**The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
 
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so **

great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
 
..........Their National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Excellent!!!!!!

:b_funny:   These are all great!!

[I apologize in advance for my lameness - I'm an electronics technician]

What did the one diode say to the other? You're biased.

"What did the one diode say to the other? You're biased."

I think it’s quite funny.

A city clicker moves out west and gets a job as the bartender in a saloon.
Everything is going well until one day a cowboy rushes into the saloon
and yells  "Big Jake is a coming!" 
All the other cowboys run out the back in terror.
The slicker is bewildered and doesn't know what to do.
All of a sudden a big mountain man rips the front door off
its hinges, storms into the saloon, throws a rattlesnake on
the bar , and bellows out "Give me a beer!"
As the mountain man is chugging down the beer the
slicker thinks  "Well this guy may be a little rough, but he
doesn't seem that dangerous".
So the slicker asks if he wants another beer.
"Can't stay, Big Jake is a coming!"

What's white and wears a yellow check scarf?

Rupert the Fridge.

What's green with blue wheels?

Grass.  I lied about the wheels.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common?

They're the same colour apart from the elephant.

And, Ladies and Gentlemen, Sam Therapy will now present the Greatest Joke in The Whole Universe... (drum roll)

What's the difference between a duck?

They both have one leg the same.

Famous quotes:) Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan I am opposed to millionaires...but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation...as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...but every thing else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Quote - What's white and wears a yellow check scarf?

Rupert the Fridge.

What's green with blue wheels?

Grass.  I lied about the wheels.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common?

They're the same colour apart from the elephant.

And, Ladies and Gentlemen, Sam Therapy will now present the Greatest Joke in The Whole Universe... (drum roll)

What's the difference between a duck?

They both have one leg the same.

Since SamTherapy got the ball rolling with those surrealist jokes I figured I'd keep the momentum going with these:

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fish.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To understand why seventeen fairies consoled all their kitchen troubles in a yellow rock covered in a stylish freedom fighters dead skin with the phrase 'limbo chocolates for all' engraved in it.

Q: Who was the youngest Queen of England?
A: No, that little servant girl cannnot have any of my lucky soup pennies, Mr and Mrs Fellows will go mental.

More Chinese proverbs:

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honorable discharge.

Man with two holes in pocket not feel too cocky all day.

How do you get a guitarist to move off your front door step?

Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

Did you ever hear about the time the drummer locked the keys in the van?

It took the bass player an hour to get out.

How do you make two drummers play in time?

Shoot one.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you throw an accordian into a dumpster and it hits a banjo.

How can you tell when there's a singer at the front door?

He can't get the right key and he comes in at the wrong time.

What do you call a loser who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but there will be another 99 standing around saying they could have done it much better.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in February," his friend replied, "and left me £25,000. Then in March my father died, leaving me £90,000."

"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000." His friend continued.

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this row-boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention.

She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the row-boat? You must have been really lucky to have a row-boat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the row-boat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the row-boat?"

"I made the row-boat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"

"But, but", asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she continued. "Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the row-boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the row-boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much", she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No", said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice", the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship"

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs...

"You look great", said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned - this time wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me", she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is", the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

Dither, dither, dally and shiver,
Lungs guffaw, and belly quiver!

Does anyone know about the old Gaucho named Bruno?  i'd tell it, but I'm not sure the TOS would allow it, even with a language advisory.
DPH

What do elephants and petrol(gasoline) have in common?

They both come in gallons....

oO

Schizophrenics of the world....UNITE!

Dyslexics of the world....UNTIE!

you've piqued our interest...let it rip :)

Quote - Does anyone know about the old Gaucho named Bruno?  i'd tell it, but I'm not sure the TOS would allow it, even with a language advisory.
DPH

'There ounce was an old gaucho named Bruno,
Who said, "Sex is one thing I do know!
A women is fine, a sheep is divine,
But a llama ('Smack!'), NUMERO UNO!"'

  This one in meant in fun, and should NOT be misconstued;
    'What di one Andi3d freebie say to the othe?
    Dunno, wha?
    I've got a BONE to pick with you!!'

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.

And slightly less geeky.....

Two Blonde Essex Girls walk into a department store, They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Debs sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace"
"Yeah what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Debs takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

These are some good jokes.

Being an engineer myself, here's my all time favorite:

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,

"What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss
me?" The engineer said, "Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool."

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

Here is a computer related one that I heard awhile back and just looked up again:

Upgrading Girlfriend to Wife

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8, and the BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

• A "Don't Remind Me Again" button
• A Minimize button
• An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of Cache and other system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems' hardware probe feature to be much more useful

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 FIRST. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING***Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK AROUNDSTo avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name, Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Hehe, and what are computer jokes without a few Microsoft honourable mentions :P

What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night?

No wonder you called the company Microsoft

Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?

A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, If we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

1. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

3. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

4. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

5. The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.

6. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

7. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

8. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Damn, it's started."

Be Alert!

The world needs more lerts...